Miracle and Other Christmas Stories Book

🎄 Ho Ho Ho the MacHalos are Feeling Christmassy as Fish Buddy Read. With the MacHalos. Duh. 🎄

âž½ Super Quick Rating Recap of Doom:
â‘  Introduction: 4 stars.
â‘¡ Miracle: 4 stars.
â‘¢ Inn: 3 stars.
â‘£ In Coppelius' Toy Shop: 3.5 stars.
⑤ The Pony: 2.5 stars? I-have-no-bloody-shrimping-idea stars?
â‘¥ Adaptation: 3.87458 stars. And a half.
⑦ Cat's Paw: 4.5 stars.
⑧ Newsletter: 5 stars.
⑨ Epiphany: 2 stars.

So the very mathematically (and boldly) computed average rating for all the stories in this collection doesn't technically really reach 4 stars, but this is Connie Willis and this is Christmas in all its Christmassy horror and I am as full of fish as can be, so there.





â‘  Introduction: 4 stars.

Why 5 gloriously glorious stars for a silly introduction? Because I 💕lurves💕 it when Connie Willis disses Hans Christian Andersen, who was "apparently hell-bent on ruining everybody's holidays, froze innocent children, melted loyal toys into lumps of lead, and chopped harmless fir trees who were just standing there in the forest, minding their own business, into kindling." And I also 💕lurves💕 it when she recommends reading anything P.G. Wodehouse. So QED and stuff.



â‘¡ Miracle: 4 stars.

The epic battle between good It's a Wonderful Life and evil Miracle on 34th Street + Chris, the animal-rights activist/eco-warrior freak Spirit of Christmas Present (not the present you're thinking of, methinks) + Sunscreen/Eastern Philosophy/Water/Vegetable of the Month subscriptions + Christmas cards-turned-Christmas tree + staplers and scissors and tape dispensers, oh my + pure 1990s goodness + quintessentially delicious and deliciously quintessential Willisian Willisness (because yes, that is a thing) + "I don't think this guy is Santa Claus. He was wearing Birkenstocks" =





â‘¢ Inn: 3 stars.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know this is a most despicable rating for a Willis story, but me happen to be slightly allergic to Bible themes and stuff. Okay, so there was some Delightful Willis Quirkiness (DWQâ„¢) to be had here, and quite the magical moment to be experienced, but the story was still biblical as fish. Ergo, 3 miserably pathetic stars it is. You are quite welcome.



â‘£ In Coppelius' Toy Shop: 3.5 stars.

And the Mostest Gloriousest Asshole of the Year Award goes to…this story's nameless MC! He is selfish as shrimp! And insensitive as hell! He is wonderfully full of himself! And splendidly entitled! But it's not all bad, oh no, of course not! He's a heartless bastard, too. And, had this story been written in the 2010s, the guy would have gotten his harassing ass sued to hell and back in less time than it takes to say "unleash the crustaceans!" All in all, you might perhaps say that the guy is not entirely what you may call a nice person. I think.



Yeah, pretty sure the Nameless Asshole would approve of this one.

P.S. toy stores can be creepy as fish. Just so know.



⑤ The Pony: 2.5 stars? I-have-no-bloody-shrimping-idea stars?

I have no fishing clue what to say or think about this one (apart from meh and stuff, so I'll just give you this:



You are quite welcome.

P.S. Ominous and anonymous, it's all synonymous. (Yes, I'm a poet, I know.)



â‘¥ Adaptation: 3.87458 stars. And a half.

Well that was wonderfully depressing! Hahahahahaha. And a Very Dispiriting Christmas to you to, Connie Willis!



Damn right it is. Hahahahaha. Okay, let's try to make a quick recap here:

1) You're a divorced dad who works at a bookstore during the Christmas Holidays and has a bitchy ex-wife? Your life sucks.
2) You're a cute little girl who loves The Little Princess, whose dad works at a bookstore during the Christmas Holidays and whose mom is a bitch? Your life sucks.
3) You're the Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come desperately trying to do your job to no avail? Your life sucks.
4) You're the Spirit of Christmas Present desperately trying to do your job to no avail? Your life sucks.

Basically, if you're a decent human being who deserves to be happy for a little while, or a well-intended ghost on a mission to do some good, YOU ARE FISHED. Might as well kill your little self dead and stuff. Now, if you're a total bitch, a heartless store manager, a greedy, selfish author or a downright obnoxious restaurant owner, then a winner is you! Now that's definitely my kind of moral! Ho-ho-ho and stuff!





⑦ Cat's Paw: 4.5 stars

My favorite story in the collection so far. Why? Because:

Hercule Poirot's Christmas meets Sci-Fi meets AI meets Save the Primates! =



P.S. Thou shalt not underestimate Hastings Bridlings, no, thou shalt not.



Now now, Hercule Touffét, don't be like that. Hastings Bridlings might be a little slow on the uptake sometimes, but they can show unsuspected insight once in a while. A very long while maybe. You know, every other century or so.



⑧ Newsletter: 5 stars

Christmas newsletters + serial killer/neo-Nazi boyfriends (or lack thereof) + OTT politeness + lead snowflakes in The Nutcracker + hats + strangely heightened intelligence + mobs of donors + office Christmas shenanigans + horror movie extravaganza + everything going suspiciously well = best Christmas story ever. So ho ho ho and stuff.





⑨ Epiphany: 2 stars

This one was unfortunately as biblical as "Inn," only without Willis' trademark humor and quirkiness, and with a touch of boredom thrown in. Pretty sure Connie Willis didn't write this story. Either she was abducted by some devious little green men from outer space, and replaced by a clone who can't write for fish, or her evil twin took over. There can be no other explanation, methinks.



Why thank you, Spocky dear. How lovely of you to say so.

The End and Stuff.



[Supremely crappy original non-review]

I've never been a fan of short stories but this is irresistible, just like anything else written by Connie Willis!