Reviews for Titus Andronicus

The average rating for Titus Andronicus based on 2 reviews is 4 stars.

Review # 1 was written on 2011-10-18 00:00:00 Dan Dinelt Written for the Celebrity Death Match Review Tournament Act I, Scene I Hamlet enters. HAMLET: OK, Where's that ghost everyone told me about? Jane Eyre enters. HAMLET: Wait a minute. Who are you? JANE" My name is Jane Eyre and I'm looking for Master Rochester. HAMLET: I think you walked in on the wrong...You know...You're kind of cute for a British chick. JANE: You're not bad yourself. Do you own a manor? HAMLETS: (laughs) No, I own a castle. JANE: Did I ask for Rochester...Who's Rochester? You don't by any chance have a princess locked in the tower? HAMLET: No. I have a fiancee but she's scheduled to go crazy and kill herself in a few acts. JANE: Perfect. They kiss and Hamlet goes off to find someone to marry them and to reserve a room on a Baltic Sea Cruise. Enter Claudius. CLAUDIUS: Stop, I cannot allow this. It is a travesty! Besides, how the heck is Manny going to score this on the Death Match. There's no loser! JANE: I don't know about that, dear Claudius. Y0u read the play right? CLAUDIUS: Well, duh. JANE: So what happens? CLAUDIUS: Hamlet dies, I die, Everybody dies. JANE: And me? CLAUDIUS. You don't die. In fact, you're not even supposed to be here. JANE: Exactly. So all I have to do is hide and wait, preferably not behind a curtain, and I survive, inherit a castle and move on to the next round. CLAUDIUS: Brilliant! And will this seductive little ploy be your strategy in the final? JANE: Depends. Who will be my rival? Enters Winnie-the-pooh. POOH: AW! Honey! JANE: oh God, No! Jane exits left stage pursued by a bear. Verdict: Hamlet vs Jane Eyre: Jane Eyre Wins Jane Eyre vs. Winnie-the-Pooh: To be continued.

Review # 2 was written on 2011-10-13 00:00:00 Nicholas Bresnan roll up, roll up CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH JANE EYRE VS HAMLET JANE EYRE (dressed in full armour, with beard, and speaking in a ridiculous gruff voice) Now, Wamlet, hear: 'Tis given out that, sleeping in my worchard, A serpent stung me; so the whole wombat of Denmark Is by a forged process of my death Wankly abused: but know, thou noble youth, The serpent that did sting thy father's life Now wears his cwown. [The Governessator is toying with the credulous Prince.] HAMLET O my prophetic soul! My uncle! JANE EYRE : Ay, that incestuous, that adulterate beast, With witchcraft of his wit, with woeful wifts,-- O wicked wit and wilts, won to his whameful wust The will of my most weeming-wirtuous queen (JANE begins to giggle) O Wamlet, what a walling-off was where! (HAMLET is looking bewildered, dismayed - is this how spirits talk?) Closer, boy! (HAMLET draws nearer) But yet closer! (As HAMLET steps closer to his father's GHOST, Jane draws back her basket-hilted mortuary sword, whirls it through the air, and with a mild thwip!! and a spray of bright blood Hamlet's head leaves his body in a graceful parabola, like the final lemming from a clifftop. No need for Acts Two, Three, Four or Five now. ) JANE (dripping, taking off the helmet and fake beard) : It's getting too fucking easy.