Elite May 1980

3 PUBLISHER'S STATEMENT
7 NOTES & BOLTS
15 SEX RATED
26 JANE FONDA
Interview by Rona Allenby
30 FIRST CLASS:
Letters
33 FANTASY TAPE
35 MOIRA
Pictorial
Antique cars and fucking are her passions
44 THE WIZARDS OF HOLLYWOOD
Article by Mark Deitch
47 SUSAN
Pictorial
The next voice you hear could be hers!
56 THE GIRL WITH THE PALE GREEN EYES
Fiction by Harry Jewell
She was beautiful — but she had to leam her place
59 THE GREAT CANADIAN BEAVER HUNT
65 HOUSEWIFE HOOKERS
75 SEXUAL OPINION
Article by Paul Brock
Body Language
86 LISA
Pictorial
Thank goodness she never took Grandma's advice!
93 BEVERLEY BEAVER

PUBLISHER'S STATEMENT
Terminal Insanity
It was one of those nights when I just couldn't get to sleep. You know what I mean? Something was bugging me and the fact that I couldn't figure out what was bugging me got me even more bugged! After enough tosses and turns to qualify for the Olympic gynastics team, I decided to surrender to my insomnia and thought I'd watch a little TV to relax. Television usually makes me drowsy!
I shuffled into the living room, flicked on the tube and settled back in my chair. Great! the evening news was on. I could become well-informed and relaxed at the same time!
The synthetic-haired announcer began making his pitch. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Top stories tonight: Russian forces invade Afghanistan. Mmmmml Carter uses retaliatory measures. Wow! U.S.A. to send arms to Pakistan. Jeez! Americans still held hostage in Iran. Whew! Three Italian police murdered by terrorists. Shit! China and America to combine military strength against Russian threat. Christ!
My right foot began to tap uncontrollably. To hell with this, I thought and got up to silence the idiot box. I mean, enough i4 enough!!! Schlumping back into my chair I reached over, grabbed a copy of the daily paper and turned to the local news section. Yeah . . . the local news! Nothing depressing about a clean, beautiful city like Toronto, right? Just what I needed: a little good news to relax with.
I started skimming over the headlines, Hmm, let's see. Elderly Couple Robbed Then Beaten — One Assailant Disguised as Police Officer! Tsk! Tsk! Racial Attack By Five Thugs Leaves Man Injured! Jesus Murphy! Jewelry Store Owner Killed! Phew! Child Abuse Becoming Epidemic! Holy Shit! Acid Rain Inevitable! Sonuvabitch! Schoolteachers Threaten To Strike! Boy! Topless Dancers Told To Cover Up! God!
Okay, okay! Enough with the paper! I caught myself spasmodically banging my ring on the arm of the chair. Perhaps a magazine? Something more intellectual and less sensational? I was sure I'd seen the latest Time magazine lying around. I hadn't had a chance to really look at it yet, so I rummaged through my magazine rack.
Ah, there it was! Ayatollah Khomeini on the cover, eh? Makes sense, I thought. He's been in the news quite a bit lately. Wait a minute! What's the caption beneath his picture read? Man Of The. . . I rubbed my eyes and squinted at the cover — Man Of The Year! Man Of The Fuckin' Year!!! I threw down the rag in disgust. My left eye developed a twitch.
I'd had it! Being well-informed wasn't relaxing me at all. I went back to bed and lay there in the fetal position. I still couldn't sleep! Something was bugging me, but I couldn't figure out what it was. You know what I mean?