Maxim # 76 - April 2004 - Paris Hilton, Cover 1

FEATURES
88 WE WANT ANSWERS!
THE ROCK
The big screen's baddest action hero lays the smack down on Ah-nuld's legacy, rabid WWF fans, and coming out of the closet.
90 COVER GIRL
PARIS HILTON
Overexposed? We hope so! Six pages of sizzling photos and revealing facts bring yar&lr to America's rite"` hotel heipoothan your feeble mind can possibly bear.
98 MAN'S BEST FRIENDS
THE 125 CUTEST ANIMALS EVER
They've made you laugh and made you cry.They've wordlessly touched your heart in ways no human ever ould. Maxim salutes TV and film's cuddliest critters.
106 DRAWN TO BE MILD
MARGE SIMPSON
She's every man's ideal wife: curvy, wild-haired, and willing to accept a fat, balding, drunk loser as her knight in shining armor, till death—or Patty and Selma—do them part. Mmm...Marge.
108 SECURITY DETAILS
THE WARS OF DELTA FORCE
The government denies that the Army's top-secret Delta Force exists. But we can prove it does. Founding member Eric Haney takes you inside the elite unit's most dangerous missions from the past 25 years.
118 LA BELLA MAFIA
MARRIED TO THE MOB
Allison Dunbar heats up The Sopranos as a Miami Mafia wife. More important, she's a self-proclaimed-visual lesbian."Whatever that means, it sounds damn lesbianish.
129 LIFESTYLES OF THE LOATHED AND INFAMOUS
OSAMA Q'RIBS
The CIA can't find him. Special Ops can't find him. But we did. In a Maxim exclusive, the most vilified man in the world gives us an all-access pass to his hideout.
134 WORDS TO LIVE BY
EXCUSE-O-METER
Got a penis? Chances are you've never said the right thing to a woman. Until now.Our experts will tell you how to avoid the cold shoulder every time you open your mouth.
REGULARS
16 READERS' LETTERS
CANADA FIGHTS BACK!
Our northern neighbor tries in vain to stand up for itself.
22 JOKES
THE TAXMAN COMETH
Laugh now. After the 15th, life won't be so funny.
24 CIRCUS MAXIMUS
DICTIONARY FOR FRESH FISH
Study up on everyday prison-yard lingo.
36 MAXIM WORLDWIDE
PAULINA FLORES
This Mexican hottie has studied psychology to prepare for a life after modeling. Start acting crazy now.ln a couple of years, this might be waiting for you on the couch.
46 HOW TO
KILL BUGS
Bedbugs biting? We'll teach you how to bite back.
54 ASK DR. MAXIM
CAN YOU AVOID GETTING STONED?
Passing a golf ball through your bladder is just no fun.
58 I WAS THERE
THE ATM ATE MY CARD!
One man's ugly war with the almighty cash machine.
62 INSTANT EXPERT
IMPACT!
Call Mommy: An asteroid's comin'!
64 SPORTS
ATHENS, HERE WE COME!
Meet our best chance for Olympic gold: the U.S. tag team.
68 HOT ZONE
DEVILS ADVOCATES
Heliboy and the Punisher bring sadistic new meaning to the term "superheroes."
143 MAXIM FASHION
IN THE TRENCHES
This spring the trench coat replaces the satin thong as the essential item for men. Plus, spring clothes to clown around in.
161 TOP GEAR
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
We threw Hiroki on the rack to see if medieval torture is all it's cracked up to be.
168 BAR EXAM
YOU'RE FAT!
Find out how many slices of pizza you eat a year. Plus, executive editor James Heidenry finally reveals what's behind door number two!
A MAXIM INVESTIGATION
172 SPECIAL REPORT
NO MORE SECRETS
The conspiracy nuts were right! After winning a Freedom of Information Act lawsuit, Maxim has accessed top-secret federal documents that reveal the truth about...
JFK: The Zapruder film has long been the main evidence detailing JFK's death, but the Secret Service also shot footage that day. Why film a routine motorcade? Find out inside.
Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa: If both disappeared, then why does the government have autopsy reports? Take a look...you be the judge.
Roswell: In 1947 residents of Roswell, New Mexico claimed a UFO crashed outside of town. The government said it was a weather balloon. We reveal why it was neither—and both.
The Dead: America's favorite running joke: Elvis and Hitler are alive and well. They're not...but one of them lived nine years longer than you think, and you'll never believe what he was doing.