Playboy Parody Issue (1984)

5 TABLE OF CONTENTS
Spritely blurbs describing our various features, articles and pictorials including what you're reading now—with elan, zest, repetition and elan—in a shameless and seamless attempt at self-aggrandizement and a hideous waste of our nation's national forests.
11 PLAYBILL
15 DEAR PLAYMATES
17 PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS
21 PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: N.O.W.—candid conversation
We've always felt that the whole is some of its parts and this month we're out to prove it with a comprehensive, in-depth exposure of the most active organ in the entire women's movement.
23 MAKE YOUR OWN PLAYMATE—activity
Here's a pictorial that's really user-friendly. Programmed for a wide sample from blonde to brunette to redhead, this is a state-of-the-art article designed for one-hand-on experiences with a readout that leaves the other hand free for some random hacking.
30 SOPHIE'S DAUGHTER—sequel WILLIAM STYNGO
The Nazis were bad...very bad. But how bad nobody knew. And to doubt that the Nazis were bad was a mistake...especially during World War II...when the Nazis were really bad.
34 TASTING THE GREAT WIVES OF CALIFORNIA—potables ...ANTHONY HENDRA
In the geocultural history of Island Earth, the watchword is continental drift. Loci of sophistication shift like so many gusts of wind...and these days France is definitely alee. The wives of California are just now getting the recognition they've deserved since 1956. Anthony Hendra, equipped with a tastefemme, unravels the subtle nuances between new vintages and extracts the curly hairs from between his teeth.
MUSIC POLL 1984—music poll
43 HALL OF FAME
Since its beginnings, Playboy's Music Hall of Fame has been characterized by hideous clay busts that are supposed to look arty but actually look like they were made in the Camp Soy Flake craft shop just after the ash tray project was completed. We've decided that this is no time to break with tradition, so we're acing another one. We had the sculptor keep doing it over because the bust looked too good the first few times. We're still not completely satisfied, but it was the worst we could get for the money.
44 POLL WINNERS
They're all here...the Voice, the Lips, the Fingers. Our readers have spoken again. That's right, the same public that voted in Ronald Reagan has cast its ballot for art. Who says you can't legislate taste? So-called "experts" can say what they want, but our readers know when they like the beat and it's good to dance to.
47 IT'S TO DI—playboy's playmate of the monarch
"'Ear, 'Ear!" says hubby Charles about his angel and who could blame him—just look at those tits!
STAPLES—binding
These bent heroes have been the unsung saviors of the publishing business for years. They certainly keep us together.
54 PARTY JOKES—satire

COVER STORY
John Derek's Recipe for Bo's Roasted Rabbit: Get the most beautiful woman in the world,
and a rabbit. Marinate the rabbit overnight, turning carefully every hour. After 12 hours,
remove the rabbit and pat dry. DO NOT RUB! Lay the rabbit aside, or outdoors.
Light a fire.
With your fingers, gently loosen the breast skin of the rabbit, pushing it into two crescent
shapes. Bind the rabbit, tying up the cavity carefully so as not to bruise the flesh. Skewer,
roast, baste, turn, burn, flip, sear, char, flame, broil for hours and hours and hours, and eat.
Cover photograph by John Derek (of course).
Roasted rabbit by Harrison/Erickson, Inc. (of course).

56 JUST WHO CONTROLS THE NEWS MEDIA ANYWAY, HUH?... investigative reportage. (NAME WITHHELD)
With conspiracies surrounding us all and even our best friends plotting to do us in, how can we really know who to trust and who to disbelieve, The specter of disinformation is everywhere—just think about what your mother told you about sex. We've finally got it unraveled for you and, lo and behold, you're not paranoid after all; you've got it right.
59 ITEMS FROM OUR CHRISTMAS CATALOG—christmas gifts ...ALFRED GINGOLD
It'll be a cold day at the North Pole before Kris Kringle can match this bounty of mouth-watering stocking-stuffers. But seriously, this is the most outrageous array of leverage any 11th Hour Santa could expect! And they're from the most famous "Items" guy of them all. If you don't find your heart's desire here, your heart's not in the right place.
63 THE GIRLS OF PENTHOUSE—pictorial
We've never believed the old saw that if you stand 'em on their heads they all look alike, but we sure are getting hard up for new "Girls Of" features. This month we came up with an idea that just could keep us going for another thirty years. Think of all the possibilities.
71 PLAYBOY'S AUTOPEDIA 1984—modern living BRUCE McCALL
Our preview and review of the latest and newest four-wheeled friends is sure to send Lee Iacocca running back to the loan desk. If your mouths don't water at this array of revved-up horseless buggies, you're just not pumping ethyl.
77 SHEL SHOCKED—poetry SHEL SHOCK
A rhyme doesn't have to rhyme to be a poem and our chrome-domed bohemian here versifies for maximum market appeal, proving yet again that he's a man born of caesurian section.
THE UNRELEASED NOVEMBER 1963 PLAYBOY—history
After thirty years, we believe that Playboy is truly a part of the American scene. November 1963 was a critical, historic moment that divided two eras, as it were (and it did). In an unprecedented feat of publishing archaeology, we have unearthed the "lost" November 1963 issue, the only issue we never put out. "The saddest are these: 'It might have been!' "
INTRODUCTION 81
COVER 83
PLAYBOY CLUB NEWS 42
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JOHN F. KENNEDY 25
THE PLAYBOY ROUND TABLE—prognostication 36
ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE ENTRANCE—fiction IAM FLENING 48
SOUTH VIETNAM: SEX WITH A NEW SLANT—travel 58
PLAYBOY'S ALL-STAR NEGRO POLL 75
THE SICK WORLD OF LENNY BRUCE—personality . . .NOT HENTOFF 69
LITTLE GRANNIE FANNY—cartoon synthesis 100
In which our heroine, who has now ripened in the fullness of time, proves beyond a doubt that beyond mammary kick ball, geriatric sex is never wasted on the young.
102 NEXT MONTH
A sensitive and revealing description of what might appear in next month's PLAYBOY The Parody if in fact such a magazine existed which it doesn't. Of course then we'd have to write it.