Maxim # 69 - September 2003

FEATURES
104 WE WANT ANSWERS!
JACKIE CHAN
Sticks and stones can break your bones, but who cares if you can single-handedly bitch-slap six bikers and take on the Chinese Mafia? Pain does not exist in this dojo.
106 COVER GIRL
MARIAN CAREY
She's suffered the ups and downs of celebrity, but through it all her shirts have gotten tighter and her shorts shorter. Now, that's our kind of girl—someone with priorities, dammit!
120 CONFERENCE CALLS
BREAKING IT DOWN
Where will the chips fall come January? Which teams will be tearing through conference rivals like Kelly Osbourne at a raw bar, and which'Il be packing their bags for a long winter's nap? We've scoped the AFC and NFC, and here's what we know. Plus, the real reason God created football: cheerleaders.
142 DANGER ZONE
BOMBS AWAY
Think hidden nukes are just for Kim Jong II? Think again. Handfuls of bombs have been lost in military accidents, and you could be the next to recover one.
144 TRAINING DAY
GIRLFRIEND OBEDIENCE SCHOOL
New girlfriends are like puppies: loving and playful, needy and incontinent. Follow our eight-point course and teach them to shit on the newspaper—not on you.
152 LIVE FROM THE FRONT
IRAQ'S WILD WEST
American soldiers police the border town of Al Qaim, where every man in their midst walks the fine line between friend and foe.Our man on the ground, Adam Piore, takes you on a tour.
162 AMERICAN BEAUTY
AMANDA SWISTEN
The newest hottie to bless the American Pie franchise, Amanda tarts it up as a German dominatrix. Achtung, baby!
REGULARS
30 READERS' LETTERS
Hear ye, minions! It's your turn to come work at Maxim! Throw your cojones on the line and enter our contest. We'll weigh and measure 'em and pick the winner in nine months. See inside for details.
36 JOKES
Your mama's so ugly there's a mask of her face in the wcontraception aisle. Oh-h-h!
38 CIRCUS MAXIMUS
It's the animal kingdom! We've got ballistic bees, elephant orchestras, and cats as canvases. Plus: New York's best dogs—deep-fried and wrapped in pig. What's that? PETA calling?
48 MODEL CITIZEN
ANNETTE ROSARIO
The Latina lovely is the hottest thing to come out of Jersey since 100 stereos fell off the back of a truck on the George Washington Bridge.
58 HOW TO
Date two women and clear a minefield—surprisingly similar tasks. Plus: Build a radio, wash a car, and make a road kill coat. Who's on line two? Again?
66 SAYS HER
SWORD SWALLOWING
How many licks does it take her to reach the creamy center? We've got five tips to coax your lady downtown—anytime, anywhere.
74 THE BACHELOR PARTY BIBLE
BOOK ONE: LAS VEGAS
Sex with the same woman...forever? We'll show you how to bravely face your future with a weekend in Sin City.
80 BODY SHOP
ASK DR. MAXIM
Lying on pins and needles, braving the crimson tide, and a fix for flakes. Okay, you're done. You can get your clothes back when you pay the nurse.
86 HOT ZONE
Eve goes digital in Ubi Soft's XIII. Plus: the wildest, deadliest, eardrum-blastingest movie shootouts.
169 MAXIM FASHION
Mod looks that'll have throngs of teenage girls screaming with glee. Floppy hair optional.
197 TOP GEAR
An MP3 player small enough for your girlish hands and a T-X head scarier than your ex.
204 BAR EXAM
Executive editor James Heidenry can sing rings around that Clay Aiken.