The Up-To-Date Toy Dog Book

Me: "Well, here's the book I told you about, Molly, the one that will tell me everything there is to know about you."

Molly: "Woof!"

Me: "Yes, that's a good girl! Let's see, this book is written by Dr. Alexandra Horowitz, a cognitive scientist specializing in animal research. She must be one smart lady. And she's also a dog person! This should be interesting. Let's loll on the sofa and read it."

Molly: (jumps up and looks expectantly)

Me: "The title is a part of a joke: "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." Heh heh. Isn't that funny?"

Molly: (jumps into lap and licks mouth)

Me: "Aww, stop it! I'm trying to read here. According to page 51, licking around my mouth is a manipulative behavior. You are stimulating me so that I'd vomit up some partially digested meat for you to eat. Gross. So please sit nicely and listen."

Molly: (curls up with a sigh)

Me: "Do you know that you're better than chimps in reading humans? They have this experiment in which dogs and chimps had to find hidden food items utilizing clues from humans. Some of the humans were made to wear blindfolds or buckets over their head, while others had unimpeded view of where the food was supposed to be hidden. Chimps begged from both kinds of humans, while dogs begged from those whose eyes were visible. See --- you're smarter than our primate cousins!"

Molly: (snorts)

Me: "You're right. Chimps are way overrated. How about this: a dog can detect a teaspoon of sugar diluted in a million gallons of water --- two Olympic-sized pools full. That's your real-life super power, Krypto! That's Superman's dog, by the way. He flies around with this cute little cape --- "

Molly: (snores)

Me: "Nap time, eh? Hmm…more animal research: wolves, bees, deers, ticks. Actually, all I want to read about is dogs, dogs and dogs. Some of these researches are interesting in their own right and are useful as comparison, but others seem to be barely tangential. This writer can be very long-winded."

Molly: "Arf!"

Me: "An attention-getting bark, which is distinct from the rumble of a growl, or the ominous snarl (page 140). Do you know that your barks can be as loud as 130 decibels? That's up there with thunderclaps and plane takeoffs. That's another super power! Why are you looking at me like that?"

Molly: (glances at the dining room, tail wagging)

Me: (looks at the clock). "It's time for lunch! Your circadian rhythm tells you that. Okay, let's eat."

Molly: (snatches the book and runs away with it)

Me: "Hey stop that! I still have to find out why you Fox Terriers are such little rascals!"