Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships Book

Foreword xiii

Preface xv

"Who's in Charge?" xvi

Onward xviii

Chapter 1 Biology Has Plans for Your Love Life 1

The Coolidge Effect 4

How Did That Work Out? 7

Mating and Bonding, the Two Pedals 10

Why Now? 11

Why Me? 13

Wisdom of the Ages: Taoism 17

Chapter 2 Elephants in the Living Room 21

"Be Careful What You Ask For ... You May Get It" 22

Doña Quixote Sets Out 25

A Subtle Sense of Lack 27

"Objects in Mirror May Be Closer than They Appear" 30

"But I Feel Great after Orgasm!" 34

Rowing in the Same Leaky Boat 37

Telltale Signs? 38

The Pitfalls of Self-Sufficiency 39

Wisdom of the Ages: Christianity 43

Chapter 3 A Whale's Tail 49

"But What about Happy Marriages?" 51

The Bermuda Triangle of Relationships 53

"You Just Have to Find the Right Person" 55

More Awkward Questions 56

Wakeup Call 58

The Glamour Hook 58

Beyond Resentment 60

Mating versus Bonding 62

Teaming Up 63

A Tough Lesson 66

Where Had We Erred? 66

Wisdom of the Ages: Hinduism 69

Chapter 4 At the Heart of the Separation Virus 73

Planned Obsolescence 75

Meet Your Mammalian Brain 76

Ruthless Eugenics-Our Mating Program 79

More on the Monogamy Challenge 82

Faithful but Irritable 84

Questioning Commitment 86

The Link between Body and Mind 86

Urges Are Signals 89

Your Inner Compass 92

Dopamine-The Sharpest Arrow in Cupid's Quiver 92

Enter Cupid 93

Wisdom of the Ages: Cortezia 97

Chapter 5 The Passion Cycle 101

The Anti-Love Potion 102

What Goes Up Must Come Down 105

Dopamine-The Lynchpin 108

Addiction-Quest for More Misery 111

Balance and Bonding 112

Scientific Evidence of Lingering Changes after Orgasm113

Prolactin 114

Testosterone and Friends 119

What about Men? 120

The Perception Game 122

Tainting Love with Fear 125

Wisdom of the Ages: Male Continence 129

Chapter 6 The Road to Excess 133

Yesterday's Genes 134

Memories That Pack a Punch 136

"Where's My Tribe?" 137

The Agony of Excess 139

Sacharin and the Shakes 140

Porn's Surprising Lesson 143

"Too Much of a Good Thing ... Is Even Better!" 145

Cross-Tolerances 147

The Plastic Brain 148

In a Rut 150

Deceptive Cues 153

Dopamine and Distorted Perception 154

Jacking Up Dopamine 155

Reward Circuity Overload 159

Brain Training 160

How Does It Feel to Be a Guinea Pig? 165

Wisdom of the Ages: Karezza Alice B. Stockham 167

Chapter 7 Learning To Steer 171

The Surprising Gifts of Bonds 175

The Loophole in Our Genes' Plan 176

Bonding Cues 178

Selfless Touch versus Hungry Touch 179

Back Up When Necessary 180

Tears in the Nursery 182

Mates Can Strengthen Each Other 183

The Other Way of Easing Sexual Tension 184

Balance First 186

Relaxation versus Performance 188

Birth of the Ecstatic Exchanges 191

Intercourse 193

Tender Tango 195

Is History Repeating Itself? 197

Wisdom of the Ages: Karezza J. William Lloyd 199

Chapter 8 Science That Binds 203

The Neurochemistry of Monogamy 204

Warding Off the Habituation Blues 206

How Does Companionship Protect Health? 209

Old Brains + Modern Relationship Stress = Ill Health 209

"Attention-Activated Amygdala" 212

Oxytocin to the Rescue 214

Is the "Big O" Oxytocin? 215

Oxytocin Isn't a "Love Drug" 219

Is It Love, Is It Orgasm, or Is It Intercourse? 220

A "Catch-22" 221

What Do We Really Need from Sex? 223

Prostate Health 225

Unlimited Bonding versus Unlimited Mating 226

Wisdom of the Ages: Buddhism 231

Chapter 9 Bridging the Gap 235

Mammalian Brain Pain and the Case for Karezza 237

New Lifestyle, New Compulsions 238

From Frying Pan to Fire 240

Addiction and Civilization 243

The Ideal Mood Medicine 244

Pair-Bonding Mandate 246

Karezza and Monogamy 249

What to Do? 251

Be Straightforward 253

Know Thyself While Free of the Passion Cycle 254

Know Thyself During the Passion Cycle 257

"What Do I Do with This Surplus?" 259

Treasure Your Partner, Encourage Your Friends, Be Slow to Judge 263

Look Beneath the Froggy Costume 265

The Myth of Self-Sufficiency 267

Inner Work 269

Evolutionary Collision 269

Wisdom of the Ages: Rainbow Serpent Traditions 271

Chapter 10 The Path of Harmony 273

Innocent Errors 274

No Wonder Things Are Crazy 275

Karezza Revisited 278

Taking It Easy 279

Subtle Harmony 281

Maximizing Pleasure 284

Fleas in a Jar 285

Wisdom of the Ages: Transorgasmic Sex 287

"How Do I Explain This Book to My Friends?" -A Synopsis of Key Ideas 291

Mating-The "Habituation Pedal" 291

Bonding-The "Harmony Pedal" 293

The Ecstatic Exchanges 297

Structure 300

Details 301

Orgasms 301

Learning Is Learning, However It Occurs 303

Suggestions 304

Exchange 1 Recalibrating 305

Exchange 2 From Habit to Harmony 307

Exchange 3 Where Is Your Attention? 309

Exchange 4 Shaky Compromises 311

Exchange 5 Relaxation 313

Exchange 6 To Have All, Give All 315

Exchange 7 Rule Bending 317

Exchange 8 Vision 319

Exchange 9 "Harmless" Activities 321

Exchange 10 Biology's Rules 323

Exchange 11 It Isn't Easy Being Green 326

Exchange 12 Thinking Ahead 328

Exchange 13 Saboteurs 331

Exchange 14 Intention 333

Exchange 15 Not Yet 335

Exchange 16 Clarity (Intercourse) 338

Exchange 17 Virginity 341

Exchange 18 Consistency 343

Exchange 19 Questions (Intercourse) 345

Exchange 20 Self-Observation 348

Exchange 21 Bravo! 351

Notes 355

Index 375

About the Author 391