Memories of X

The Friday night dorm party to kick off December wasn't starting well. I'd just blown up at Malcolm, and now my roommate sounded angry with me.

"What the HELL were you fighting with him about?" Patty asked, after pulling me into the women's restroom. "I could hear you shouting all the way at the other end of the hall from inside the lounge!"

"You can imagine what we were fighting about, can't you?" I said, raising my voice to match hers. "He was hitting on me! And I don't think I have to take that!"

Patty hesitated, then looked a little skeptical. "What? You mean he just came out and asked you to go to bed? I can hardly believe Malcolm would be that rude."

"No," I answered. "He asked me to go out with him . . ."

"Well if you didn't want to go out with him, why didn't you just say no nicely?" Patty interrupted. "He looked awful after you finished with him!"

"I did say no nicely, twice!" I shouted, angry that Patty was taking Malcolm's side. "But he didn't understand that part! He was too mealy-mouthed to ask me to go to bed, but he made eyes while he was asking me out, and then he just kept repeating himself, like he couldn't believe I'd turn him down! He's so arrogant he thinks that all he has to do is crook his finger!"

"I wish he'd crook his finger at me!" Patty shouted back. "And so does every girl on our floor! But of course you're the one all the boys ask out Ñ you're the pin-up queen Ñ and it's WASTED on you. Talk about arrogant! You've turned down every boy on our floor now, haven't you, Laura? Except for the quiet ones that would never get enough courage to ask you! You haven't been out with anybody since last year, when you had that loser boyfriend with the motorcycle! Vince! The one who was training to be an auto mechanic? I'm glad he didn't show up again this fall Ñ he looked like someone you'd read about holding up liquor stores!"

"Well fuck you, OK?" I shouted. "I don't need to get your approval of the boys I date!"

I slammed out the door, just catching Patty's parting remark, "Boys? I've only seen the one boy in two years? Vin-cent!"

I didn't expect to enjoy the party now, but I was so angry I wasn't going to let anybody think they'd driven me away. I was relieved not to see Malcolm in the lounge, and I went to the drinks table where Bob was pouring. He cheerfully provided the rum and coke I requested, heavy on the rum. Twenty minutes later I was starting my third and I sat down alone on a sofa, beginning to feel really depressed.

I've always had a terrible temper. I was a brat when I was growing up, with frequent tantrums where I'd destroy property and throw things at people. Mom was a schoolteacher and Dad was a librarian, both of them dead-set against physical punishment for children, but by the time I was ten they gave up on theory and started paddling me when I acted up. Once they learned to do it hard enough to intimidate me, it was the only thing that made me behave myself for three or four weeks at a time. My disposition got even worse during adolescence, and I kept getting punished until I was nearly sixteen, when I finally understood that my parents were really on my side and my anger was hurting me more than anyone else.

I was boy-crazy early, but by the time I was allowed to date I had special needs I couldn't communicate to any of the boys I knew, so it never worked out. I'd start feeling sexually stifled in every relationship, even with the two guys I went to bed with, and I'd end up getting angry and starting arguments until we broke it off. In my Sophomore college year I decided it was hopeless and began refusing dates, but when I met Vince last February I immediately realized he was different. He came from a tough neighborhood in LA and had an effective way of dealing with my temper, which meant, among other things, that I was able to relax with him. He was a lot smarter than Patty realized, and kind of sweet really, so I opened up to him more than I ever had with boys in school. He learned about my special needs and how to turn me on, and we ended up having a great physical relationship! But then Vince got in trouble last summer, and the police said that if he joined the Marines they'd drop charges. We both cried when he had to leave, but he only wrote once at the end of basic training to say he was going to be stationed in Manila. I realized after reading the letter several times that he was telling me he wasn't going to be any good at carrying on a relationship by mail.

So here I was almost halfway through my senior year without a guy in my life, acting bitchy when I got asked out because I felt so frustrated. Malcolm was probably the nicest guy in our dorm. He hadn't really been that pushy Ñ he probably just knew my reputation for not dating and didn't want to give up too easily. I felt tears in my eyes, and realized the drinks were making me maudlin. Then I saw Patty magically appear next to me on the sofa.

"I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time, Laura," she said gently. "I lost my temper."

"YOU lost your temper?" I realized I was close to slurring my words. "You do OK in the temper department, but I'm the one who's the champion at that!"

"Yeah, we both have tempers. I think it's because we're both half-Irish: Laura O'Connor and Patty Doherty!" This was Patty's favorite reason for all our shared traits. "But you're the one with red hair, so you have the champion temper!"

I nodded a little too vigorously and felt dizzy. That was what all my Irish relatives said too.

"I'm going to have to apologize to Malcolm when I see him," I said. "If you run into him first, tell him I feel bad about the things I said, OK? And I didn't really mean them." Patty nodded, friendly again now that I was acting reasonably, and I added, "I'm really sorry I told you to fuck yourself, Patty. I think one reason I'm so tense lately is that I've been trying to diet."

"And the other reason is that you're dying to try it!" This was another of Patty's favorites.

"Yeah, that's true."

I wasn't going to explain how true it was, though, not even to a roommate. I'd been tense most of the term because I was following a regimen to reduce my libido that I'd read about in book on women's sexuality. The book said that if I cut down on masturbating I'd eventually stop thinking about it so much, but it sure hadn't worked during the eight weeks I'd been trying. My target was once a week, and I hadn't been able to achieve that yet, but at least I'd cut back from the twice a day frequency after Vince left.

I talked with Patty for a while and gradually began feeling social again, so I didn't leave the party until midnight. I'd had a lot to drink by then and I wasn't used to it, so I just had time to get my clothes off before I fell into bed naked and went to sleep. At least I was able to avoid my usual fight with temptation after I got in bed, which was usually worst on a Friday night.

When I woke up and looked at the clock, it was almost 9:00 AM. On a Saturday! Shit! I was late, and X would be angry!

I grabbed my robe and bathroom kit and ran into the hall, unexpectedly meeting a floor resident named Tim while I still didn't have my robe fastened properly. I had to take my time in the toilet to get ready for my weigh-in, but then I showered and brushed my teeth in three minutes flat, and ran back to my room. Patty was gone, so I didn't have to be surreptitious about what I did next. I rummaged in my panty drawer for my diaphragm, glooped in some Koromex jelly and inserted it. Then I put on my underwear and a tracksuit, stood up, and said, "I'm ready."

I had the usual feeling of being in a Star Trek transporter as my dorm room dissolved around me and X's larger bedroom took its place. X was standing in front of me wearing his running suit, and I knew he didn't have any underwear on Ñ he could just pull down his pants and he'd be ready to come into me. I suddenly felt tremendously attracted to his tall runner's body, six-two to my own five-ten, and realized how horny I was. But I knew I wasn't going to get any treats to start with.

"You're late, Laura." X sounded annoyed, and I felt a sinking feeling. "Are you ready for your weigh-in?"

"Yes, sir," I said, and started taking off my own tracksuit, flushing like a fifteen-year-old as usual.

I didn't understand why I still got so embarrassed stripping in front of X. I should be used to it by now! I'd finally settled on taking off my bra in case the three ounces might put me over my weight line, but leaving on my panties since they only weighed an ounce. I knew I wouldn't have my panties on very long, but I just couldn't bring myself to take them off for my weigh- in. When I stepped on the scales, I held my breath as I adjusted the small weight, and finally let it out again as I saw I was right on my line, 143 pounds. So I wouldn't get paddled for that! I marked my weight for the week on the chart, then stepped off the scale and went to the table where X had his paddle and other toys.

"Did you masturbate again this week after I caught you Monday?" X asked. He didn't sound angry now, so I began to hope he wouldn't be too hard on me.

"Yes, sir," I answered. I had to tell the truth, of course. "I did it again on Wednesday after dinner. I was getting so horny I couldn't stand it."

"That's hard to believe since I got you off after your paddling on Monday." X paused, looking at my body in a way that excited me, then continued, "But at least you waited two days, so you'll only get twenty spanks for that. Did you do anything else to be punished for?"

"Yes, I was late just now . . ." I hesitated, trying to resist telling on myself, but it was hopeless. ". . . and I acted bratty with Malcolm and started a fight when he asked me out."

"How many spanks do you think you deserve?" I felt a wave of relief as I realized I was going to be allowed to name my own punishment. I didn't dare make it too easy though.

"Twenty for fighting with Malcolm and ten for being late?" I worried he'd say I wasn't being serious enough and double the number, but he didn't.

"All right, that's fifty you have coming. Get in position."

Now I had to drop my panties of course and I got MUCH more embarrassed, flushing like a fifteen-year-old about to get a bare bottom paddling from a male classmate. I dropped my panties before X could say I'd delayed, then bent over the heavy table close to X, who was standing at the head of the table on my left. I reached as far across the table as I could to grab the other edge, and spread my legs to lower my hips, until my belly was resting on the surface. All the weight of my upper body was on the table in this position, so I couldn't jump up Ñ I couldn't even twist away when I felt the first paddle spank land.

I cried out when it came, then concentrated on making as little noise as I could, as I'd been told. Toward the end of the first thirty I was squealing pretty loudly with each new stroke, but then X gave me a short rest and I was able to catch my breath for a minute. The right cheek of my bottom was a lot more sore than the left, and I wished X would switch sides between rounds to make it even out. Somehow it didn't feel right this way. He never did that though.

After a few minutes rest, X started paddling me again, and I felt much more tender. I gave a little shriek every time I got a spank, and I was keening continuously at the end. X had a rule I couldn't ask for mercy or I'd get extra spanks for speaking out of turn, so I just had to take it. I was grateful that I was only getting fifty spanks today, because it felt excruciating when I had to get a third or fourth round. X never gave me more than four rounds, thank God.

Now that my paddling was over I was anticipating what X would do next, and looking forward to the part at the end. X told me to let go of the opposite edge of the table. Then he dropped the leaf on that side, so I was resting on a narrower table with my breasts hanging pendulously over the edge where the leaf used to be. I put both arms behind my back and grasped one wrist with the other hand, then felt them lock together. X was still at the head of the table where he could touch my breasts and rear, and I gasped as he started to rub my sore bottom with his right hand. I felt sudden arousal moving in waves from my behind into my groin, and when he started playing with my nipples in front I began panting and making little cooing noises. X seemed to move his left hand away from my breasts, but I could still feel my nipples being played with, both of them in fact, and then I saw X reach around me for the moisturizer cream. A moment later I felt the little anal dildo sliding into my rectum, and I got even more excited, squirming in place on the table as he pushed it in and out. A minute later X's middle finger came between my legs and touched my clit, and I was humping immediately, moving as much as I could against X's finger in that position. Within a minute I was moaning loudly, and pretty soon I felt like I was only about ten seconds from orgasm.

X always knew when I got close though, and he stopped touching me whenever I had any hope of getting off. He left me with no contact for about thirty seconds, then touched my clit again for a much shorter period until I felt like I could come again, and broke contact a second time. He kept repeating this, leaving me without contact for thirty second breaks, then touching me again to get me close. After awhile he only had to touch me for a few seconds after each break, and I felt like I was ready to come anytime if he just maintained contact for ten seconds. I was humping galvanically now whenever he touched me, and even when he didn't, making animal noises and losing control of my leg muscles, beginning to drool on the floor.

Suddenly X spoke through my fog of arousal. "Do you want to come?"

"Yes, sir!" I shouted. "Please, sir! I'll do anything you say."

X told me to stand up, and I saw he'd taken off his tracksuit and had a wonderful erection for me! He started walking over to the bed, and I ran in front of him, so aroused I was practically dancing with excitement, but afraid he'd be mad if I tried to hurry him. He got on the bed and lay down on his back while I waited for permission, then finally told me I could get on top. I was on top with him in me within three seconds, and I came instantly with a guttural scream. X hadn't had any friction at all up to now, so he was still rock-hard, thrusting in and out of me and manipulating my anal dildo with his fingers, and almost right away I began to climb to a second orgasm, something I never had ordinarily. I came again just as X started his climax and we were both making a lot of noise at the end.

After it was over I got down on the bed by his side but kept my arms around him so we could hug. I felt profound satisfaction from my two orgasms, but I still wanted X to show me some affection. Luckily, X liked to cuddle after sex too, so we spent a long time kissing and twining our bodies as close as possible. Pretty soon he started teasing me about what a naughty girl I was, but made it clear he thought it was sexy to punish me. By this time the paddling I'd had seemed like just a preliminary to sex, but I knew I'd be scared later to get another one. Still, I understood that this was the discipline I needed, so I told X that, and he kissed me and hugged me until my tension and unhappiness of the past few days had disappeared. I finally drifted off to sleep for a minute and when I came out of it X said it was time to leave, so I got up obediently, took out the anal dildo and took it into the bathroom to wash it off, then put on my clothes. After I said, "I'm ready," I saw X's bedroom dissolve back into my dorm room, the last thing I noticed.

It was nearly six on Saturday when I finished my homework and put away my text. I was all caught up, so I had the rest of the weekend to myself, but when I stood up from my desk I noticed a squishy feeling between my legs. My period was two weeks away, and when I took off my panties I saw a milky discharge that smelled sexual. Odd. I'd gotten myself off this morning, Saturday was the one day a week I was aiming at, but I wiped afterward didn't I?

I couldn't remember. In fact I couldn't actually remember masturbating, although I was positive I'd done it. I still felt kind of satisfied: there was only the tiniest bit of sexual tension beginning to come back. But this was so weird, not remembering! I usually lapsed from my regimen a few times during the week, but the book I was reading said I was supposed to concentrate on my target day, and I looked forward to it a lot!

I wiped myself with a wash cloth and dropped the cloth and my panties in the hamper. When I opened my panty drawer, I saw my diaphragm container on top, next to the Koromex jelly. Weird! This was the fifth or sixth time I'd seen it there, and I couldn't explain it! I'd been in my room all day since I got dressed that morning, so nobody could have moved it! I opened the container and looked at my diaphragm, unused since Vince left in late August. What the hell was going on? I seemed to be having a lot of memory lapses lately.

Patty was out as usual Ñ she was almost never in the room Ñ but she usually came home for dinner. I started reading ahead in my Accounting text, and Patty arrived a few minutes later with Gail, so we went to Angelo's and split a large pizza. Afterward I went to the dorm lounge and watched TV for awhile, then took a long walk around the campus before I came home and got ready for bed. I wasn't very horny yet, and it was easy to resist temptation on Saturday night.

On Sunday, I joined Patty and her group that takes hikes around the Park trails. It was a long, vigorous day, and we had a late dinner when we got home, then sat around talking in the lounge until I felt like bed. Patty said she wanted to stay another hour, but she'd let herself in quietly. Sometimes I wished Patty were in the room more so I wouldn't have so much temptation. After I got in bed, I realized all the exercise had brought out my physical side and I was dying to masturbate. I'd been trying my best not to do it two days in a row, but I kept having erotic thoughts and felt myself weakening. I finally decided to give in and was reaching my hand down, when I suddenly remembered: X might catch me!

Whenever I tried to masturbate lately, X caught me at it about half the time. I'd start humping in my bed on my tummy the way I always do, and when I got really close I'd be pretty oblivious until I suddenly realized I was in X's bedroom and he was watching me doing belly flops onto my hand. No matter what I'd been wearing when I started I'd be naked on X's bed with no bedclothes, and I'd feel intense shame getting caught in the act like that. Then X would make me get up and bend over the table, and I'd get twice as many spanks as I would if he didn't catch me until I reported myself on Saturday. And of course he'd double my spanking again if I tried to get off two days in a row, right after he fucked me on Saturday!

I didn't dare masturbate now. At least if I waited for Monday night, X wouldn't be so mad and I'd only get twenty spanks on Saturday if he didn't catch me at it. I started feeling even more turned on as I thought about X catching me, but I wasn't seriously tempted. I drifted off to sleep thinking sexy thoughts about X.

Monday morning I woke up at eight AM, feeling good. I remembered I'd been tempted to masturbate last night, but I'd somehow found the self-control to resist. I was getting so I never did it two days in a row anymore.

My first class was at eleven, but I had a dental appointment at nine-thirty, so after breakfast I spent some time looking through my diary until I had to leave. I noticed I'd written in my height and weight in late September: five- nine and 143 pounds.

That was wrong! I KNEW I'd lost four pounds since I started my diet in October, and I had a perfect recollection of a recent weighing at 143 pounds. Then I started getting confused as I realized I'd weighed 143 for two years. I couldn't remember any details about the recent weighing either. I thought I'd weighed on Saturday, but where? I couldn't be wrong about losing four pounds, could I?

It was time for my appointment, so I walked to the University medical building. My dentist was Dr. Petrosian, a wonderful old guy who reminded me of my Uncle Oscar. He acted like my uncle too, giving me advice on finding a job after graduation or maybe going on for an MBA. He was very smart and his advice was always detailed and useful, so I paid close attention.

"Ah, Miss. O'Connor!" he said as I entered his office. "Today we fit the final caps! And you still want me to provide your hypnotic key phrase, correct? Did you remember to bring your recorder?"

I'd originally come to Dr. Petrosian in late September when I learned I had to have all my wisdom teeth capped. I'd gotten referred to him because he used hypnosis, and I'd always hated the way Novocain made me feel. He'd said I was an excellent hypnotic subject, and that gave me the idea of using autohypnosis to help with studying. He was dubious at first, but finally agreed.

"Yes, for you I will do it! You are a levelheaded young woman. But there are rules!" The rules were obvious, that I shouldn't use hypnosis for anything that could harm me physically, like ordering myself not to eat so I could lose weight, and of course I agreed.

I got my recorder from my tote bag and sat down in the dentist chair. Dr. Petrosian handed me a piece of paper and told me to record what he'd written. I pressed Record, and read my key phrase, "Sredni Vashtar of Leningrad was cruel," obviously nothing anyone would say by accident. Then I read instructions to myself to remember everything I heard for two minutes, and told myself to wake up.

I rewound the tape, then leaned back in the chair and pressed Play, and forgot everything that happened for awhile, standard when I went under hypnosis. When I came out, Dr. Petrosian was looking at me closely, but when I grinned at him he seemed satisfied. He started reciting a long poem in Russian, and when he asked me to repeat it back, I found I could do it easily! He nodded as I quoted, and at the end he looked at his watch before he spoke again.

"Excellent!" he said. "Two minutes have passed, so you should be over this now. Say this back." He spoke in Russian for about five seconds, and I couldn't remember a thing at the end. He nodded again and said, "You shouldn't keep a perfect memory for too long a duration. People who remember everything become confused about what is important."

I promised I'd be careful and then had a sudden thought. "You know I always forget everything that happens while I'm hypnotized. Could that be spreading somehow to my normal memory? I've been forgetting a lot of things lately."

Dr. Petrosian suddenly looked grave as he asked me how long this had been going on, and what I'd been forgetting. I flushed as I thought of my errant diaphragm and having no memory of masturbating. I told him they were trivial things, kind of embarrassing, and asked if he could just put me under and help me remember things I was forgetting without being explicit about what they were."

"Certainly! There is a good chance it will help!" He paused, then added, "And I will also give a command to wipe out any hypnotic effects that might have made you forget anything."

He put me under right away, and when I came out of it again I felt a little confused for a moment. Then I felt my face getting hot as I started recalling fragmentary memories of someone named X and some sexy things he'd done to me. I tried to make some sense of the memories, but there was just too much all at once and it was confusing. But very erotic!

"Are you all right, Miss. O'Connor?" Dr. Petrosian sounded concerned and I realized I was flushing extravagantly.

I was NOT going to tell Dr. Petrosian about this. My new memories seemed unreal to me, and I might need to ask his advice eventually, but these scenarios were simply too embarrassing to talk about right now. I needed a chance to think about them on my own first.

"I'm sorry," I answered. "As I said, it's just trivial stuff Ñ kind of embarrassing. I think I'm remembering things better now." Dr. Petrosian was still looking at me closely, and I made an effort to stop thinking about scenes with X and calm down. After a minute I felt more normal.

"If you're sure you're feeling well, perhaps I should put the caps on now."

Dr. Petrosian enjoyed his work, and I did my best to concentrate on dental details for awhile. By ten-thirty we were done, and as I walked with him from the dental office to the business office, I had a sudden, startling recollection.

"I've been meaning to ask you something," I said, trying to sound casual. "The . . . second time I came here there was a guy sitting at your desk doing something with your computer. Do you know who I mean?"

"A young man?" Dr. Petrosian asked after a moment's thought. "Dark hair? Rather tall?"

"Yes! He looked familiar. Is he in the University?"

"I believe you refer to Professor Easton. He was upgrading my database."

"He's a Professor?" I asked. He hadn't looked old enough!

"Yes, in the Computer Science Department I understand. He donated some of his time for computer-related needs in our medical department. A nice young man, I thought."

I wondered how nice he really was. The person I remembered working on Professor Easton's computer looked like the man I thought of as X!

My erotic memories seemed so realistic as I walked out of the Medical building that I started feeling a little upset. I decided to cut my eleven o'clock class and go back to my room to think. When I got home I started my Web browser and linked to the CS Department, then the Home page for Professor Kevin Easton. His picture came up and I looked at it very carefully. I could swear that he and X were the same person! That is, if there really was someone called X and my memories had anything at all to do with reality! The Home page personal description said Easton received his Ph.D. last June, and was in his first year on the faculty as an Assistant Professor. So he had to be twenty-five or twenty-six, but he looked younger.

I closed my eyes and tried to marshal my recollections of X from disconnected fragments. I realized that when I concentrated on some specific event, I could slowly remember a temporal sequence around it, so I tried to focus on my meeting with X two days before. I recalled waking up late Saturday morning and rushing to get ready, putting in my diaphragm, then being transported to X's bedroom and having to strip for my weigh-in. I started flushing again as I remembered how embarrassed I'd been, especially when I had to bend over the table to get paddled. And then afterward I had a vivid body memory of X tantalizing me Ñ excruciatingly frustrating, but almost worth it when I recalled how wonderful it felt at the end!

Nothing like this could possibly have happened of course! I hadn't felt that kind of embarrassment about taking off my clothes in front of a boy since before I'd started dating, and there weren't any Star Trek transporters in my dorm as far as I knew. I suddenly remembered that I wasn't really transported instantaneously Ñ I'd walked to X's apartment! But that didn't really help, there was no reasonable explanation of why I had two different memories of how I'd gotten there. I'd heard hypnosis could make people remember things that never happened, and that must be what this was Ñ a sexual fantasy I'd made up myself. The paddling I got as a preliminary to sex clinched it. That was very erotic for me!

Back when I was an adolescent getting punished for my temper tantrums, I figured out how to masturbate for the first time while my bottom was still sore from a paddling. I fixated on that feeling and started having fantasies about boys paddling me and then getting me off. After awhile getting paddled by a boy was the most important erotic element in my fantasies. I confided this to a friend when I was fifteen, but she told some other girls and they all started teasing me about it. I spent several months getting teased unmercifully, terrified that everyone in school would find out about my fantasies, and ending up completely traumatized. When it finally died down and I started dating, I could never tell any boysabout it, for fear the whole thing would start up again, with boys joining in teasing me this time. My paddling fantasies were the special needs I couldn't communicate, and they were so important to me that not being able to act them out with my boyfriends made me feel frustrated all the time, so I always broke off relationships by starting fights. I finally stopped accepting dates as a college Sophomore to spare myself the frustration, even though that seemed to mean I'd never have a real relationship.

Then one day I was in a park, bending over to pick up some litter, and Vince strolled up behind me and swatted me on the behind. I could hardly believe a boy in California would do that, but when I looked up and saw his motorcycle jacket I realized political correctness wasn't a big issue for him. I thought he was cute though, and I felt kind of turned on so I started flirting with him. A little later while we were having coffee, I explained how I'd been paddled while I was a kid, and opened up more than I ever had with a boy at school by saying I still needed that sometimes. We started a relationship where he'd spank me and tease me a little before he'd come into me, and it was just as sexy as I'd always thought it would be.

After a few weeks of dating, when I felt PMS tension and tried to pick a fight with Vince, he put me over his knee and started a really hard spanking. I got angry and yelled at him Ñ I hadn't consented to this, and it was demeaning Ñ but then I began to feel intimidated by the pain, and he wouldn't quit until I apologized and promised to be good. A few minutes after that I got so horny I asked Vince to fuck me in the woods where we'd been walking. I expected him to find other reasons to spank me that way again soon, but he didn't. He just treated me like his girlfriend again, basically an equal if I didn't step out of line. After the second time I got a spanking for trying to start a fight, I realized I could RELAX with Vince because he knew how to deal with my temper! I'd never felt so happy in my life Ñ demeaning or not, this was a perfect relationship as far as I was concerned!

After Vince joined the army, I went back to feeling frustrated, masturbating twice a day until I started the regimen in October to make myself cut back. The thought of getting paddled still turned me on though, and my fantasy about X was one of the most erotic one I'd ever come up with. It seemed to explain some of my memory lapses Ñ my diaphragm moving, and not being able to remember masturbating. I never remembered anything about X after I calmed down, and I thought that was weird! Also, the fact that my diaphragm really moved meant I must be doing something with it. Then I realized I was actually putting it in and taking it out again later without remembering! I began to worry that my fantasy about X was making me lose touch with reality.

I had a sudden thought that this might have something to do with trying to cut back masturbating to once a week. Maybe I was being too hard on myself! I decided to get myself off right away, since it would be silly to stick to my regimen under these circumstances. I walked over to my bed to put my plan into action, but then suddenly had the thought that this was a bad time. I didn't want to do this now. In fact all I really wanted was to get back on my normal schedule. It was nearly noon, so I decided to go to lunch and then attend my afternoon classes.

* * *

I came straight back to my room after my last class ended at four, and was suddenly aware of how aroused I was! I'd been remembering more details of my fantasies all afternoon, but I'd just ignored how wet and excited it made me because it seemed so important to keep to my regular schedule. Weird! And another thing: why did I change my mind after I made a rational decision to masturbate earlier? There was something I remembered X saying . . .

If you want to get off when you can't contact me, you'll lose interest and go back to your regular schedule until you can.

Right! In my fantasy, I had to phone X whenever I decided to masturbate . . . but I wasn't aware of doing that. Then he'd usually tell me to put in my diaphragm and go to his apartment, and when I thought I was getting myself off in my room he'd really be inside me, fucking me! Or sometimes he'd catch me doing it, and punish me, then tantalize me until I could hardly stand it and fuck me at the end!

The memory explained why I'd lost interest earlier. I was acting out my imaginary scenario that I needed to be able to phone X! I was really losing touch! I had to see someone about this!

It was too late today though; it would have to wait for tomorrow. Right now . . . I tried to remember if my fantasy allowed me to get myself off after class, and decided the only way to find out was to try. As soon as I decided, I felt a thrill of fear that X would catch me at it! I tried to ignore it Ñ the fantasy had too much of a hold on me, and I didn't need a fantasy to get off anyway the way I was feeling. I started unbuttoning my skirt, and ten seconds later found myself with the phone in my hand, keying in a number.

I stopped, horrified, and just managed to keep from pressing the last two digits on the keypad. But I couldn't put the phone down, and I wanted to finish keying the number I'd started.

I'm not going to masturbate! I thought suddenly. I'll wait until later!

After a moment I was able to put the phone down, but I was really frightened now! Was I just acting out an imaginary scenario, or had Kevin Easton really done something to me? Was it possible he'd found a way to hypnotize me, the only way I could think of to control me like this?

YES! He'd been in Dr. Petrosian's office upgrading the database! If Dr. Petrosian kept his key phrases for his patients in his database . . .

I felt a sinking feeling Ñ I could see it was possible now. Kevin could have hypnotized me and invented the "X" fantasy where I'd go over to his apartment when I felt horny. He'd made me believe it was natural while it was happening Ñ like there was nothing weird about being paddled and sexually molested by some mysterious guy. And when I was in a more normal frame of mind, I never remembered anything about it. Until now. But suddenly I felt unsure again. I didn't have any evidence this had really happened, other than my own dubious memories.

Then I realized I knew a couple of phone numbers and a schedule of times X could be contacted. I wrote everything down on a slip of paper, then connected to Kevin Easton's Home page again. The number I'd just tried to phone was his office, and this was supposed to be a contact time for that number, so I took a moment to nerve myself up, then dialed it. After two rings I heard an answering male voice I remembered from my fantasies and hung up, trembling.

I hadn't seen the other phone number on his Home page, and when I looked for his name in the telephone directory I didn't find it. I dialed the number I remembered and waited through four rings until I heard Kevin's voice telling me to leave a message. I hung up and thought for a minute, then dialed information and asked for the home number for Kevin Easton. I even remembered an address, but said I wasn't sure it was right. The operator came back and told me it was an unlisted number.

So it was true then! I couldn't have known Kevin's home phone number if he hadn't told me.

I suddenly had a horrible realization! Kevin's compulsions still worked on me Ñ I couldn't masturbate without phoning him! Maybe he phoned me at a certain time every day and I had a compulsion to answer the phone so he could take control of me! I looked at the clock and it was four-thirty, a good time since I was always in my room about now. And Kevin might be suspicious about the hang-up call I'd just made! God! If he found out what I'd learned he could just make me forget everything! I'd be his slave again!

I felt a sudden panicky need to do something to escape his control. I became more and more frightened, and I was whimpering with fear before I finally thought to pull the phone jack from the wall! After that, I gradually got myself under control as I convinced myself Kevin couldn't control me now without coming to my room in person. I was safe for the moment, but what could I do next? He MIGHT come to my room if he couldn't reach me by phone! I suddenly remembered my autohypnosis, and I scrabbled in my tote bag to get my recorder and the sheet of directions Dr. Petrosian gave me. My hands were trembling so much I could hardly read the sheet, but after a minute I thought I saw what to do. I pressed the record button and gave myself commands in a quavering voice that I'd no longer feel the need to carry out any hypnotic compulsions I'd received from anyone. I thought for a second, then added that from now on no key phrase would put me under hypnosis, unless it was my regular key phrase spoken in my own voice from my own recorder. I couldn't think of anything else, so I ended the recording by telling myself to wake up.

I rewound the cassette, sat back in my chair, and pushed the play button. When I woke up, the cassette was a couple of minutes in and I stopped it. Was I safe now? I thought a moment, then got out my address book and reconnected the phone to dial Dr. Petrosian's office. A secretary said Dr. Petrosian was gone for the day, but I could reach him by phone tomorrow, between ten and eleven.

I disconnected the phone again, and realized there was something else I could try. I hesitated, then let myself start thinking again about wanting to masturbate. I tried to take my time and let my decision to do it form as slowly as possible. When I started taking off my clothes, thinking about what I was going to do in a minute, I still hadn't felt that thrill of fear that X might catch me. I went over to my bed and lay down on my tummy, started touching myself, and then lost control completely. I reached orgasm in about two minutes, and during the last minute I was fantasizing about X catching me and giving me a good paddling. Traitorous libido! When I was done I saw the phone jack still lying on the floor where I'd left it, and I heaved a sigh of relief.

After I got dressed, I went to sit at my desk and think. After about fifteen minutes I realized I was shaking with anger about what Kevin Easton had done to me. When Patty got home, I tried to get my mind off it as I joined her for dinner, but it didn't work. I hurried through the meal and returned to my room, where I obsessed for hours about finding a way to take revenge on Kevin. Around nine I tried to do some homework, but I couldn't concentrate, and the paper I wrote wasn't worth my usual A. That made me even angrier, since I'm a scholarship student and need to keep my grades up. My parents don't have much money: librarians and schoolteachers can barely afford to pay a mortgage in Los Angeles.

Tuesday morning I gave up trying to work, and concentrated on how to deal with Kevin. I'd decided to confront him as soon as I was sure he couldn't take control of me again. At ten, I called Dr. Petrosian and told him I was thinking about doing some experiments with autohypnosis and needed his help. It wasn't covered by my health plan but I offered to pay for his time. Dr. Petrosian laughed at payment, saying he could always find time for a young person with a questing mind. I felt guilty to be fooling him when he gave me a three-thirty appointment.

When I got to Dr. Petrosian's office, I'd come up with a list of illusions I wanted him to try on me. He needed to put me under hypnosis several times and bring me out again to check the effects, and at the end I thanked him as nicely as I could and said I might want to come back again sometime. He said he'd look forward to it, and I left the session happy. Dr. Petrosian's use of my key phrase hadn't put me under once, and the illusions he'd suggested had no effect either.

* * ^

I arrived at Kevin Easton's apartment at four-fifteen, expecting him to be in since his home contact time started at four on Tuesday. My skin was crawling with nervousness as I rang the bell, but I tried to ignore it and focus on my anger. Then when Kevin answered the door, I got such a feeling of dŽjˆ vu that I felt faint, but I fought it grimly. Kevin looked surprised to see me, but he covered it well. He was used to running into me around campus, and I never remembered who he was.

"Can I help you?" he asked. Definitely X's voice!

"I want to come in," I said in a neutral tone. He looked worried but answered reasonably.

"Can you tell me what it's about?"

"I know what you did to me," I said, watching his reaction carefully. If I'd had any doubt at this point, the panicky guilt on his face erased it. He seemed too much in shock to respond.

"I'm coming in!" I said, and walked toward him. He recoiled from the door, and I walked into his spacious apartment that I normally only caught glimpses of on the way to his bedroom. That thought infuriated me, and I stalked into the kitchen and sat at the table, waiting for Kevin to follow. When he came and sat opposite me he looked extremely apprehensive. Good!

"Deep trance!" Kevin said suddenly, watching my face expectantly. So he HAD created another key phrase. But I was impervious to it now, and I just glared at him. He tried again: "Uh, Sredni Vashtar of Leningrad is cruel!"

"That's not going to work now, Kevin," I said, letting my anger show. "Or do you prefer I call you 'X'? Or maybe 'Sir'?" Kevin got a trapped look, and I continued.

"I want you to know I've taken some precautions, and if I'm not back to my dorm by a certain time, the police will learn I'm here and what I've figured out. So you can't hold me captive, and torturing me to make me disarm my precautions won't work because I have to be in my dorm with other people around for several hours to accomplish that."

"I'd never hold you captive or torture you, Laura!" Kevin cried out in a shocked voice. I was watching him carefully to decide if he was dangerous Ñ I'd accepted that risk Ñ but he seemed sincere. He obviously didn't think of himself as a criminal, or even a bad person!

"You've done it already!" I shouted angrily. "What did you think you were doing when you turned me into your sex-slave and tortured me with that paddle of yours?"

"But you liked that!" he answered in a panicky voice. "I learned about your fantasies, and I was really just doing what you wanted!" He actually seemed to believe that!

"Do you think the police would take that point of view?" I asked angrily. "She really enjoyed sex, your honor, so when I hypnotized her and raped her I was just doing what she wanted! You raped me lots of times, Kevin, and you tortured me as a little preliminary!"

Well he wasn't completely out of touch with reality, because he looked frightened when I mentioned the police, obviously the strongest leverage I had.

"I think you'd get at least a five year sentence for what you did to me," I said slowly. "Probably more for what you did to the other girls." That was a guess, but Kevin's panicked look confirmed it. He hadn't broken into Dr. Petrosian's computer just to get one key phrase!

"I don't think you'd do very well in prison," I continued in a musing tone. "You're in reasonable shape, but you don't have enough muscle mass to defend yourself from other convicts Ñ I hear there are a lot of tough body- builders inside. Of course you probably look good enough to get some protection from some of the tougher ones if you can discover your feminine side."

I watched Kevin's terrified expression as I continued providing loving details. "There might be some pain along with the sex if your protectors get off on that," I concluded, "but you've already had plenty of experience with that from the dominant side! You might even get to like the submissive part by the time you're up for parole!"

"Please, Laura!" Kevin's cry sounded wrenched from him. I saw tears starting to run down his cheeks, and I stopped talking to let him think about what I'd been saying. He looked completely on the defensive now, and I was becoming confident I could deal with him by myself. Lucky for him, since the alternative really would have been the police!

"Please! Don't turn me in," Kevin pleaded. "I'll do anything I can to make amends. I have some money . . ."

"I don't want your money!" I snapped. "How about a taste of your own medicine? How would you like to be paddled and frustrated for awhile? Would you agree to that?"

"Yes!" Kevin answered, eager for an alternative. "Anything you say!"

I tried not to give any hint of the triumph I felt at the chance to take personal revenge. Let him sweat a little, thinking what he was in for if I didn't handle this personally!

"All right," I finally said in a grudging tone. "If you do everything I tell you without hesitation, I MIGHT not report you. I won't guarantee anything yet. I have some questions to ask you and then I'm going to wallop your behind every day for a good long time to give you a taste of what it felt like for me. Is there anything you want to say about that?"

"No, uh . . . No. I'll cooperate." Kevin looked apprehensive and relieved at the same time. He wasn't sure I'd stick to my word not to report him, but he thought he had a chance now.

I took out the six-sided die I'd taken from Patty's monopoly set, and rolled it on the table to dramatize what I was going to say next.

"Anytime you don't cooperate or try to conceal something from me, I'm going to go back to my dorm and roll this die." I rolled it again. "And if it comes up six I'll report you to the police immediately. No more chances for you. Do you understand?"

"Yes, uh, I understand, Laura." Kevin looked fascinated as he watched me roll the die again and get a five.

"Call me 'Ma'am' from now on. If I had to call X 'Sir', you have to call me 'Ma'am""

'Yes, Ma'am," he answered, sounding frightened. I rolled the die again and got a one. Again, and it was a six. I left it that way.

"OK," I said, "Strip down to your underpants, and I'll start asking you questions. I want you feeling vulnerable." I saw him moving hesitantly and yelled, "DON'T HESITATE!"

He jumped up to take off his shirt and pants, then his shoes and socks. He was flushed when he sat down again and I could see an erection through his jockey shorts. Good!

"I know a lot more about what you've done than you probably think, so you'd better consider what I'll do if I catch you trying to lie to me! I don't want you thinking about my questions either! Answer them immediately!" I paused and frowned at him, then asked the first question on my list. "How many women did you hypnotize?"

"Six or seven Ñ or eight," Kevin answered quickly at first, then had to correct himself, which was fine with me. I didn't want to give him time to think about his responses.

"What time during the week do you meet with them?"

"I don't meet with them anymore," David answered. "I only met with most of them once or twice, and I haven't been with anyone but you for the last, uh, three weeks."

I was surprised by that, but tried not to show it. Kevin was eager to answer my questions now, and I didn't want him thinking about what I didn't know.

"Why are you meeting only with me now?" I asked sharply.

"Because you were the smartest and most interesting girl I found, and, uh, so I liked you more than any of the others."

Flattery always made me suspicious. But Kevin sounded so sincere, blushing when he explained that he liked me the most, that I couldn't believe he was lying.

"Liking me probably had more do with my looks than my intelligence," I answered cynically.

"That too, of course!" Kevin admitted quickly. I think you're beautiful! And also, uh . . ."

"What?" I asked. "Don't make me drag this out of you!"

"Your, uh, sexual response Ñ your fantasies Ñ you're just so tremendously appealing to me! You're the sexiest girl I've ever met!"

"Great!" I answered angrily. "Maybe I can do a center-fold for a sexual molesters magazine!"

But I wasn't quite as indifferent to what Kevin said as I tried to make him believe. I'd had a chance to look at him now while I wasn't hypnotized Ñ a really good look after I had his clothes off Ñ and I still thought he was attractive. He had an interesting face and a good body, which he obviously kept in shape, and I was getting kind of turned on looking at him. Even his voice gave me a thrill.

Shit! I had to focus more on what he'd done and remember what I was here for! He was a rapist who'd done disgusting things to me against my will, along with a lot of other girls!

"When you gave me those fantasies about X and started hurting me," I said, "did you do that because I liked it or because you liked doing it?"

"Uh . . . both!" Kevin answered, flushing again.

My next question came without thought. "You've controlled me for about eight weeks now, right? You must have realized by this time that if you approached me in a social way and gave me a hint you liked spanking girls I'd have been happy to go out with you. And I'd probably have let you do most of the things X does! So why all this sneaking around? Are you so pa- thetically introverted you prefer surreptitious fantasies to a real relationship?"

"No! I Ñ I've been thinking of approaching you that way. I wanted to do it! Soon!"

"Well what the hell were you waiting for?" I asked.

"I . . . thought you were too beautiful, that you were out of my league, and . . . uh, you wouldn't like me enough to go out with me if I just asked you without using hypnosis."

I didn't understand Kevin's lack of confidence, since he looked fine to me, and most of the guys I knew who had his appeal seemed to think they were God's gift to women.

"I was hoping to improve the odds a little," Kevin continued. "I was using hypnosis to get you to associate all the pleasurable sexual sensations I gave you with my appearance and voice, so when I finally approached you . . ."

Shit! That's why I felt so attracted to him! "You were trying to condition me!" I shouted. "Make me your slave twenty-four hours a day, instead of just a few times a week!" Kevin looked horrified and started to say something, but I interrupted him.

"Shut up!" I said. "I'm going to start your punishment soon, and I don't want to hear you trying to justify yourself any more." Kevin looked miserable, but stopped trying to talk. "Show me where you keep your toys!" I said. He looked blank, and I yelled at him again, "Your sex toys! Your paddle and the anal dildo . . . the things you used to torture me!"

Kevin's face got red, but he got up quickly to lead me to his bedroom, looking vulnerable in his jockey shorts. He opened a drawer in a dresser and I told him to put all his toys on the table so I could look through them. I saw two paddles, some restraint cuffs with ropes and a blindfold, several rubberized toys including two identical anal dildos that I knew all about, and a manila envelope. I emptied the manila envelope on the table and found what I'd halfway expected, photographs of naked girls.

There were five girls and I recognized two of them from my dorm: Gretchen Hohler, who was nice, and Dianne Grossman, who I always thought was a prissy bitch. There were two snapshots of each girl, a front view and a rear view with their names written on the back. In the front view, they were reclining on Kevin's bed playing with themselves, and in the rear view they were on their knees leaning forward on the bed with their butts perched up so you could see their pussies, looking back over their shoulders at the camera. They were all obviously aware of Kevin, and looked so infatuated with him they were eager to have him take their pictures in these demeaning poses. In the rear views, they all had red bottoms.

"This is disgusting, Kevin!" I bit out. He knew it, too! His face was as red as a beet, and he looked miserable. "I suppose you're going to tell me that all these girls liked being spanked, so you were just doing what they wanted?"

"No, Ma'am . . . But I only paddled them once or twice to see if I could turn them on to it. And I didn't do it very hard."

"You really like conditioning women to provide yourself amusement, don't you? Get in position over the table Ñ You know the position I mean! Ñ And we'll see how you like it."

Kevin looked frightened, but he didn't try to argue. He went to the end of the table and dropped his underpants, then bent over and reached across to grab the opposite edge, spreading his legs to lower his hips until his torso rested flat on top. His erection was extremely prominent under the table, and I got turned on picturing X ready to come into me. Bastard! Trying to condition me!

The paddle he'd used on me was light and thin, like a long, stiff rubber spatula, but he had a heavier one that was made of hard wood, two inches wide and more than twenty inches long. I took the heavy paddle and went to stand in X's usual position at the head of the table, then gave Kevin a good hard smack on the ass, with a lot of wrist action in it. He yelled when the paddle landed, and I reminded him to make as little noise as possible, the rule X had for me. Then I walloped him again, eliciting a heartfelt grunt this time.

I counted out thirty hard strokes, spacing them out every two or three seconds, and feeling relieved to finally work off some of my anger. By the end of thirty, Kevin was trying desperately but unsuccessfully to wince away from the paddle in his constrained position, and his grunts had turned into stifled screams. When I stopped, he whimpered for a few seconds, then groaned and took a shaky breath. I told him I was giving him a few minutes rest and walked around the room looking at things. When I came back, I saw that the right cheek of Kevin's bottom was a very angry red, and the left cheek was a lighter brick red. That reminded me to change sides, but I had to bend to the left and use an overhand swing to get enough force into the paddle from his right side. When I started spacing out the paddle strokes again, Kevin reacted with stifled screams almost immediately, and they built up to full-throated screams at the end of thirty. After I stopped, he trailed off into moaning noises, nearly crying.

I walked slowly around to Kevin's left side again and looked closely at his bottom. Both cheeks were a very angry red now, nearly purple! I decided to just give him thirty more, fifteen from each side, but when I started the first fifteen he seemed to have lost so much sensation that I had to make the spanks harder to get him to shriek again. I gave him a longer break before the last fifteen, and when I walked up to his right side again he started pleading with me not to hit him anymore!

"That's what X called talking out of turn, isn't it Kevin?" I asked, then waited for him to answer.

"Yes, Ma'am." He answered, sounding miserable.

"I was going to stop," I lied, "but now I think you deserve to get some more!"

I started the last fifteen I'd planned and Kevin was screaming uncontrollably as the strokes landed. When I finished he was bawling for two minutes, and his behind looked like just one large purple bruise, with broken red capillaries in several places. I felt angry satisfaction that he wouldn't want to sit down for a few days, and decided I'd done enough for now.

Kevin didn't know I'd decided to stop, of course, so when I walked to his left side again he started whimpering. But I just told him to move back eight inches from the table, keeping his fingertips around the opposite edge, and bring his legs together. I had easier access to his penis this way. It was limp after his paddling, but he noticed me reach for the moisturizer cream and the anal dildo, and got his erection back immediately. I rubbed his behind lightly with my right hand for a minute, feeling his hot buttocks wince away from my hand, then inserted the anal dildo and manipulated him from behind until he started groaning and moving.

"Kevin!" I said. "When you tantalized me, you made me tell you when I get close, right?"

"Yes, Ma'am," Kevin moaned, as I continued manipulating him from behind. "I had you tell me when you were about ten seconds away from coming.".

"OK, yell 'Close' when you get to that point. And you'll be very sorry if I see you ejaculate or if I think you're not letting yourself get close enough!"

I put some moisturizer cream on my left hand and grasped Kevin's erection, then started stroking it. I'd had experience at this with a few boyfriends, so I knew exactly what to do.

Kevin was gasping and humping frenetically by the time he yelled he was close, and I decided he was being honest about it. I did what he'd done to me, breaking contact for thirty seconds at a time, then touching him again until he got very close. In between, I manipulated his anal dildo, and soon he could hardly bear to have me touch his erection Ñ he'd yell he was close as soon as I made any contact. I kept it up for about five minutes, getting extremely aroused myself, and when he started crying with frustration I finally stopped and removed the anal dildo.

I picked up the paddle again, and said, "I do NOT want you to masturbate when I leave you alone! I want you frustrated! If I think you've gotten off when I see you again, you'll be very sorry! Let me demonstrate how sorry!"

I gave him five very hard smacks with the paddle, and he screamed like he was having his legs broken. Then I asked him if he was going to be tempted to masturbate, and he promised he wouldn't, crying like a child. I was enjoying my revenge, thinking about the final instructions I'd planned, when I noticed blood on both of Kevin's buttocks where I'd broken some capillaries with the paddle just now. I suddenly felt kind of guilty, but I tried not to let it show.

"OK." I said. "Go put a tracksuit on Ñ no underwear!" Once Kevin was dressed, I told him I wanted him this way all the time when he was home, and said I always wanted to be able to find him here during his home contact hours.

"And I want you to get an appointment with Dr. Petrosian to be hypnotized," I said. "After he does that you can tell me your key phrase."

"But Ñ Dr. Petrosian's a dentist, and my teeth have always been perfect!" Kevin said in a frightened voice. "How can I get him to take me as a patient?"

"Use your ingenuity, Kevin! You're the Professor! Find a way!"

"Uh, and I might not be as good a hypnotic subject as you are. I only took the names of girls who were in the deepest trance category."

"Stop being so defeatist, unless you want another paddling right now!" He cringed away from me and said he'd do everything he could.

I had Kevin give me a key to his apartment and told him to sleep in the raw from now on, without any blankets. "You can turn the thermostat up, but I want to be able to come in when you're in bed and check your erection to make sure you don't masturbate. And I want you to wear that blindfold you have in your toys when you go to bed from now on, and leave this light on so I can get a good view of you. If I'm quiet, you'll never be able to tell when I'm here! You can find out what it's like to never have any privacy!" I'd thought of this idea the previous night, but the blindfold made it perfect! I figured this way he'd never know when he was being watched, so he'd be too frightened to masturbate.

I told Kevin he should wash his behind with a cold washcloth and put on some disinfectant after I left. Then I took a final look at him before I walked out, and took in how miserable he looked. His eyes were red from crying. Good enough!

I got back to my dorm and stopped the delayed email job I'd set up when I went to visit Kevin. I still had to get the letter back from Patty and intercept the mail to Heather tomorrow morning, but that would be easy. I took the letter I'd left on my desk and put it in the manila envelope I'd taken from Kevin's apartment, then locked them both in my filing cabinet. I was sure Kevin had left his fingerprints on the pictures, and he'd written out all the girl's key phrases by hand on a sheet of paper, so this was incontestable evidence of what he'd done.

I stretched out on my bed to get myself off, feeling aroused from bringing Kevin close at the end. I'd borrowed one of Kevin's anal dildos and it felt sexy going in, but then I kept getting disturbing mental images of the blood on Kevin's buttocks, and after a few minutes I gave up masturbating as a lost cause. I lay on my back, thinking of what I'd done and feeling guilty. Obviously I had a right to take revenge on Kevin, but I'd been so angry I hadn't shown any restraint at all! I thought about the blood and the horrible purple bruising I'd caused, and it reminded me of a third world torture exhibit from Amnesty International. I'd been WRONG to hurt him so much, no matter how much I thought he deserved it!

Patty was gone for the evening so I pulled on my slacks again and went to the Dorm cafeteria for dinner. I saw Gretchen Hohler sitting alone at a table and brought my tray over to sit next to her. After chatting a bit I slipped in the question I wanted to ask.

"I've had a couple of weird dreams lately where I'm with a mysterious guy who has some kind of control over me," I watched Gretchen's face for recognition. "I'm attracted to him, you know, it's pretty sexy, but it's kind of demeaning too. Have you ever had a dream like that?"

"No," Gretchen said smiling. "Too bad, it sounds like fun! I'm afraid all my dreams are very boring right now, about arranging details of the wedding. I'm spending so much time on it I'm dreaming about it, six months away! Hugh is threatening to chuck it all and have us elope!"

Gretchen was obviously unaffected by her meeting with Kevin, filled with plans for a June wedding after graduation. I chatted until the end of dinner, then returned to my room and hit the books. I had to catch up in my courses, and I visited two classmates to copy their notes from the classes I'd missed. I finally got myself off when I went to bed, but I still felt guilty about what I'd done to Kevin, and the fantasy I ended up using was Kevin regaining control over me and paying me back for paddling him today. A scary idea really, but erotic as a fantasy.

When I got to Kevin's apartment the next afternoon, I'd nearly caught up at school. I'd been thinking about how to continue Kevin's punishment, and I'd decided I wouldn't paddle him while he was bruised, but I could still sound strict and make him sweat a little, then get him aroused and leave him frustrated.

I used my key to let myself in quietly, but when I tiptoed into his office I found him working innocently. He was stretched out prone on the floor with his chest elevated on a beanbag chair, working at a computer he'd placed there. He was obviously too sore to sit at his desk. When he saw me he jumped up, looking frightened, and I ordered him into the bedroom immediately and told him to get in position. When he dropped his tracksuit pants and bent over the table his buttocks looked terrible! A large area was purple-black, badly swollen, and there were a few oozing scabs where I'd drawn blood yesterday. I quailed when I saw it, and I couldn't even bring myself to give him a spank with my hand as I'd planned. His toys were still on the table Ñ he'd obviously been afraid to put them back in the drawer after I left Ñ and when I picked up the paddle and walked behind him I saw he was trembling with fear. I was amazed he'd been willing to get in position in this condition, but then I remembered the prison sentence he thought was the alternative and felt like a bully.

"Is your behind as sore as it looks, Kevin?" I asked. "Have you been having trouble sitting down today?"

"Yes, Ma'am," he answered in an abject voice. "It's awful! I can't sit down at all Ñ not even on the . . . toilet seat. I had to squat. And even that hurt!"

"Well maybe I won't have to paddle you any more today then, if you've been good in other ways." Kevin's whole body projected relief as the tension went out of his muscles. "What did you do about going to see Dr. Petrosian?"

He'd made an appointment with another dentist he hoped to talk into drilling, so then he could switch to hypnosis. This way, if the first dentist refused to drill he could try again with a different one. I asked Kevin if he'd masturbated since yesterday and he denied it earnestly. He said he'd heard me letting myself out the front door when he woke up late last night, and again early this morning, so I must know he'd been semi-hard the whole night! Of course I'd been much too busy catching up on schoolwork to spare a thought for Kevin, but my idea of making him think he'd be under observation was obviously working to keep him honest!

I had Kevin move back from the table again where his erection was handier to reach, and he groaned when I touched it. I didn't think he could counterfeit his body language to exhibit so much frustrated arousal if he'd masturbated last night, so I was satisfied. I inserted the anal dildo and started tantalizing him again, but even at the beginning I wasn't able to stroke his erection more than fifteen seconds before he was close. After he was crying with frustration again, I stopped and pulled out the anal dildo. I told him he could put his tracksuit back on, but he stayed in position to plead with me.

"Is there any way I can get to come? Please, Ma'am! I've been feeling so horny! I'll do anything you say!"

After a moment's thought, I said, "OK, if you agree to sixty hard spanks with the paddle, I'll get you off at the end." I could always let him out of the spanks if he agreed, saying I was just testing how desperate he was. But he answered with a groan, saying he couldn't stand sixty spanks, so I told him he could wait. After he had his suit on, I said I wanted to ask him some more questions, and reminded him I'd paddle him anytime I wasn't satisfied with the answers. He looked intimidated and promised to answer truthfully.

I started by trying to understand why he was so insecure that he couldn't bring himself to approach me for a date, and I found the answer pretty quickly. He'd been a child prodigy, skipping two grades by the time he was thirteen, so he was always an outsider being teased by the other kids, including the girls who made him feel like a freak. I could relate to Kevin's problem very well, after the traumatic teasing I'd had to live through at fifteen! In college he'd continued to skip ahead, and he'd just turned twenty- two in September, after he began teaching at the University! He was only a year older than I was!

"Another thing I've been wondering," I said. " You told me you hypnotized seven or eight girls, but I only saw photos of five girls Ñ six counting me. What happened with the others?"

"Uh, well there was only one really, and she was a virgin," Kevin answered slowly, "She had strong religious beliefs against having sex before marriage, so I didn't do anything."

"You thought hypnotic suggestions wouldn't overcome her beliefs?" I asked.

"No," Kevin sounded surprised. "I could have made her think we were married or maybe convinced her she'd decided to have a fling Ñ she had a strong sex-drive. But I didn't want to go against her convictions like that. All the girls I had sex with were pretty relaxed about it, and none of them would have turned down being spanked by a boyfriend as an experiment."

I was surprised Kevin hadn't brought this up to show how thoughtful he was when I questioned him yesterday, but of course I would have discounted it. Just because a woman was willing to have sex with a number of guys didn't give Kevin any right to take advantage of her. Still . . . I had to admit that the fact that he hadn't taken advantage of a woman who strongly opposed sex before marriage did say something positive about him.

"I . . . Uh, wanted to thank you," Kevin said suddenly, "for punishing me yourself instead of reporting me to the police." He ducked his head in an embarrassed way. "I've been thinking about what you said, that what I did was wrong. And . . . I realize you're right, and I'm ashamed now of taking advantage of those girls. I had all that power, and I didn't have anyone to talk with about it, so I let my urges run away with me. I know that doesn't sound like much of an excuse, but . . . I wouldn't do it again. I'm sorry!"

He sounded sincere, and after the way I'd let my temper have full rein paddling him yesterday, I had more sympathy for his excuse than I would have earlier.

"Well that's a good first step, Kevin. And I want to say that I can imagine forgiving you for this after I've seen you expiate your behavior for awhile."

"Thank you, Ma'am." Kevin had tears in his eyes. "I really care a lot about your opinion, and I'll try to do everything I can to cooperate with you. I know I deserve this. In fact you're going easier on me than I expected."

When I got back to my room, I admitted to myself that I was moved by Kevin's apology. I was suddenly dying to know if Kevin had caused any real damage to the girls he'd hypnotized, and decided to track down Dianne Grossman and talk with her too.

When I reached her room and asked her to dinner she seemed hesitant. We've never been close, and she'd acted like a bitch to a few of my friends, but then she sighed histrionically as if to say she had to eat somewhere. When we sat down at the table and I brought up the dream I'd had about a mysterious guy with sexual control over me, Dianne sat back in her chair and smirked at me.

"That sounds weird. Do you really think it's a proper dinner table topic?"

"You've never had a dream like that?" I persisted, flushing.

"God, no! I think you ought to see a psychiatrist if you have sick dreams like that!"

As I walked away from the table I was raging! That bitch! Maybe I should take her pictures and post them on the main bulletin board at school, so everyone could see what a cow she was! In fact I had her key phrase! I could just tell her to go down to University center and start taking off her clothes and asking all the boys to . . .

No. No, no, no! I got back to my room and got myself under control, feeling my guilt grow into a giant weight. I realized that my temper had carried me away again, and I might have actually done something disgusting to Dianne if an unusual thought hadn't stopped me. I'd suddenly had a picture of myself in Kevin's position, doing the same sort of thing to Diane that he had. Or, I had to admit to myself, something even worse than what Kevin had done!

I masturbated Wednesday night fantasizing about Kevin punishing me for my temper.

On Thursday, when I got to Kevin's apartment I found he'd had his dental appointment and convinced the doctor to fill a minor cavity that he normally would have left alone. Kevin asked to do without Novocain, but after the drilling was well along he said he needed something to blank out the pain after all. So he got a referral to see Dr. Petrosian on Monday.

"Did the drilling hurt?" I asked, feeling guilty again.

"Well," Kevin looked uncomfortable; "The worst part was sitting in the dental chair."

When I told him to get in position, his behind looked even worse than yesterday: the bruises were nearly black now, but at least the scabs looked almost healed. Kevin said he'd had an erection most of the day, and when I started tantalizing him he was crying with frustration within two minutes. So I stopped and told him he could put on his tracksuit.

"I've been wondering about a few things, Kevin" I said. "In those weighings I had, you were making me think I was losing weight when I really wasn't. Why?"

"Well, catching you overweight was a good excuse to paddle you," Kevin answered, flushing. "So I'd make you think you were overweight when you didn't have spanks coming for anything else." Kevin looked worried to be admitting this, but rushed on. "You believed you needed to lose weight, but I checked the weight tables and found you're really average weight for your height, and I didn't want to make you lose weight if it was bad for your health. Besides, I think you have a terrific figure Ñ a nice bust and, hips and . . . uh, butt! So I didn't want to make you lose weight when you didn't need to."

He'd actually checked the weight tables because he didn't want to make me lose weight when it might not be good for me! I was impressed.

"Another thing," I said. "Why didn't I ever feel sore after you paddled me? Like last Saturday I studied all afternoon and never noticed any soreness."

"Yeah, well," Kevin sounded embarrassed. "I worried that if I left you sore you'd have trouble studying, so I just paddled you lightly and made you feel sensitive while you were getting it so it would intimidate you. It seemed to work fine." I remembered it worked very well indeed Ñ I'd felt like I was going to have trouble sitting down for a few days after he finished. But he'd really gone very easy on me!

I was silent a moment. "I'm going to have to thing about this for awhile," I said. "But thank you, Kevin, for not leaving me sore when you were in charge of me."

Kevin gave me a grateful look and I left before I said anything more.

I got home and considered getting off, but decided against it. I was coming close to a decision that meant I should restrain myself for a while. I went to dinner with Patty, and found I'd made my decision by the time I returned to the room. I got out my recorder and worked out some careful phrasing to use in autohypnosis. After I woke up from playing the tape, I started writing a letter by hand. I was used to doing text editing on a screen, so I tore up four drafts before I had it the way I wanted it. Then I took out the manila envelope with Kevin's pictures and put it in my tote bag along with my letter. Now I had to make an appointment to see Dr. Petrosian. I hoped he'd see me on Friday Ñ he hadn't had time for Kevin until Monday.

He had time for me, though, and when I got to his office I asked him to create a minor illusion that would last for a full day. Dr. Petrosian's use of the key phrase worked now, and the illusion was perfect, but when I came out of the medical building I suddenly recognized it for what it was. I still saw the illusion, but I used a special phrase I'd set up last night under autohypnosis, and the illusion went away. I didn't use the other phrase I'd set up though, and a few minutes later I forgot all about everything I'd done with hypnosis since Monday.

When I got to Kevin's apartment, he was waiting for me, looking desperate.

"I had an erection all day today!" he said. "I'm just lucky I don't have a Friday lecture! I must have looked like a pervert with my hand in my pocket every time I had to walk anywhere, and whenever a girl in the class came to my office to ask a question, I started blushing!" He was blushing now, looking humiliated. "I almost had a wet dream this morning too! I was barely able to stop myself when I woke up! You wouldn't hold me responsible for ejaculating if I couldn't help myself, would you?"

"I'm not going to . . ." I started, but then Kevin rushed on.

"I think I can take a paddling now. My butt doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday, it's more itchy than anything. I've GOT to get OFF!"

"I'm not going to punish you any more, Kevin," I said. "You're your own boss again."

Kevin looked at me with a stunned expression gradually shading into a look of intense relief.

"Thank you, Ma'am! Uh, Laura. Can I call you Laura now?" When I nodded, he went on. "I thought you were going to punish me for a long time! I thought I deserved to be punished at least for the eight weeks I controlled you! But I could see yesterday when you let me out of paddling without even mentioning it, that you were too gentle . . ."

"I'm not exactly gentle, Kevin! I have a real temper sometimes. But I've decided I'm just not good at this, and I don't want to punish you anymore. But that doesn't mean that you don't deserve punishment! I'm very mad about what you did to all those other girls, and you're lucky one of them didn't catch you. If Dianne Grossman had been in my place, you'd be in jail right now!"

"I know!" Kevin agreed quickly. "I realize how lucky I am that you were the one to catch me, and I promise I'll never take advantage of any woman like that again!"

"OK. Now I want to say that I'm sorry I hurt you so much when I paddled you the first day."

"It's Ñ I deserved it! You don't have to apologize!"

"Well, maybe I do a little, because I want you to take me over again and give me the discipline you think I deserve." I flushed as I went on. "For as long as you like."

Kevin's jaw literally dropped, and he stared at me as if he couldn't believe his ears. Then his face got red and I saw conflicting emotions: lust was one, but it didn't end up winning.

"Look, uh, Laura. I'll do anything you want me to, OK? But I have to tell you I won't feel natural doing this. After what's happened . . . I mean, I've been feeling terribly intimidated about what you might do to me for days, and I STILL feel intimidated. You could still report me! I wouldn't dare, uh, give you discipline really, for fear you'd get angry at me again."

"Right," I said, nodding, "I thought you'd feel that way." I took the manila envelope out of my bag and emptied it out to let him see that everything was there. Then I said, "I'd like to tear all this up and flush it down the toilet."

"Yeah . . ." Kevin said hesitantly, "I see. You're offering to destroy the evidence, so I'll feel safe. Thanks, but . . . I think you could still report what I did and they'd believe you."

"Fine. Now read this," I said, and gave him the letter I'd written by hand last night. He took it hesitantly and opened it, then read for a few seconds and looked up amazed. "This is . . ."

"A mash letter," I said with satisfaction. "Telling you how much I enjoyed sex with you and offering you my key phrase so you can hypnotize me and apply the discipline I feel I need. It's all true!" Kevin seemed at a loss for words.

"My key phrase works again, too," I said. "And I've got a diaphragm in! You can put me under anytime you like!"

Kevin suddenly looked at me with an intense expression, and I felt the thrill of fear I'd been waiting for. But then he just kept talking, damn it!

"Don't you . . .?" Kevin took a deep breath and started over. "Aren't you worried I'll be rough on you, to pay you back for what you've put me through? I don't want you to worry, I won't be too rough, but I just had to ask."

"Well, I've figured out that you were always very thoughtful with me when you had control of me before," I answered. "And it's clear the way you just asked that question that you're trying not to frighten me. Besides, maybe I deserve to have you pay me back a little bit for losing my temper when I was paddling you." Kevin took that in thoughtfully.

"And since you want to talk," I added, "let me ask you something. You never made me tell you the best way to discipline me in real-time, did you? Like, you always paddled me from one side, and I kept wishing you'd switch, but you never picked up on that."

"Yeah . . . I thought of making you tell me your thoughts about how to punish you but I wanted to leave you a little bit of privacy."

"Well think about it again! And, by the way you can leave my bottom feeling sore at the end this time. I might have trouble studying that way, but we can deal with that if it happens."

Kevin nodded again and looked at me carefully, beginning to grin. Then he said something I couldn't hear, the last thing I remember.

When I woke up, I was in my underwear in Kevin's bedroom, unbelievably aroused. Kevin appeared in front of me, telling me to strip, and I got terribly embarrassed as I realized I had to follow his direction. I'd forgotten how sexy the embarrassment was! Then he made me get in position over the table, and I felt frightened as I saw him bringing over the heavy paddle to use on me. He'd always been easy on me before, but he had good reason to be angry with me now! I wondered what I'd been thinking not to at least give him some time to cool down before I put myself under his control like this! He took his time starting my padding too, and I was quivering with anxiety, but then I noticed how the anticipation was becoming more and more erotic! After a few minutes I realized I was lubricating so much I was dripping on the floor, even without any stimulation.

Once it started, the paddling was very painful, and it dragged out a long time with rest breaks to let me catch my breath. At least Kevin was switching sides between rounds. Near the end I started begging him to stop, and he gave me ten more for speaking out of turn. Then he put my anal dildo in and made me get on the bed, keeping my butt up like the girls in the photos, and began to tantalize me. It was much more erotic having Kevin tantalize me on the bed than when I'd had to stay bent over the table.

When he finally let me get on top of him I came instantly, then a second time, and I felt like I was building up to a third when he finished and started to go soft. I tried to control myself and just hugged him. He hugged me back, and it was wonderful! I knew who he was now Ñ we could have a relationship! We could talk about real things, not just night-fantasy things.

"How's your bottom?" Kevin asked, and I snuggled against him as I heard the concern in his voice.

"It's fine," I said. "Pretty sore, it'll hurt to sit down for awhile, but it'll just make me hornier to feel that way. I know all about that from paddlings I got as an adolescent! How did you manage to stay stiff so long after you were in me? I was certain you were so horny you wouldn't be able to last."

"Well . . . I fucked you right after I put you under, and I told you not to come."

"That's why I was so aroused when I woke up! That sounds like one of my fantasies. Did I tell you about that?" He nodded in a kind of embarrassed way and I snuggled against him again.

"Listen," Kevin said hesitantly, "If you don't want to do this right away, I'll understand. But how would you feel about living in my apartment with me? I have a lot of space and . . ."

"And it'll give you a much better chance to keep an eye on me to make sure I don't step out of line. Sounds like a great idea! You can help me move out of my room tomorrow."

After we'd hugged for a half-hour, Kevin said he wanted to take me out to dinner. We got dressed and walked to a wonderful Italian restaurant I'd heard about from Patty, and I was kind of lost in a fog of happiness as we walked together. After Vince left, I'd understood that the only way I could have a re- lationship again was to find another boy who liked my fantasies, but I'd found I was still too warped by my childhood traumas to talk about them with anyone. I'd lucked out now, finding a really nice guy who'd had a hard time growing up, just as I did, and thought I was the sexiest girl he'd ever met.

When we got to the restaurant and I sat down in the chair the waiter held for me, I winced. Kevin smiled at me and I smiled back, then we shared a bottle of wine and ate some great veal.

While we were waiting for dessert, I said, "I've been thinking of taking another year at school for an MBA. I'm supposed to choose a technical minor, and I liked the two programming courses I took, so I was wondering if you'd tutor me in some more of the more advanced stuff. I promise to work hard on any assignments you give me, and not pester you all the time."

Kevin laughed at how serious I sounded. "You don't have to sign a contract! I'll be happy to tutor you." He seemed to get thoughtful again, then said, "Listen, what were you planning to do over Christmas?"

I hesitated. "My parents live nearby Ñ in Venice. I could just go visit them for a few days, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. You can come over and meet them if you want." I tried to make it sound casual.

"Yeah, my parents live in Brentwood, and I'd like you to meet them too."

I smiled happily. "And then we can come back here to the apartment," I said.

Kevin seemed to have a lot of emotion in his voice suddenly. "This kind of intimacy makes a relationship progress fast, doesn't it?"

"Well, we've really known each other for more than two months!" I said.

Kevin moved his chair around the table to be next to me, and took my hand. We sat quietly together until the waiter brought the check.

We were going to spend the night together, so I called the dorm and left a message for Patty. Kevin promised to order a King-sized bed on Saturday, but I liked the double fine for now. I was eager to have sex again, but Kevin gave me a little spank and told me to wait Ñ he was in charge of that now, and he wanted me nice and horny! That got me pretty excited, and I told him so, but he didn't respond by doing something about it as I'd kind of half- hoped. I still wanted close contact though, even if it wasn't sexual, so we went to sleep in spoon position with Kevin behind me, and I noticed that he wasn't really all that calm himself.

I didn't drift off right away, and when I heard Kevin snoring lightly I suddenly remembered the special phrases I'd set up under autohypnosis. I whispered the first phrase, and I recalled everything Kevin did earlier today while he had control of me. He'd asked me if it was too mean to fuck me while I was helpless and leave me horny, and I told him that was one of my fantasies, so he should go ahead. After he did that, he set up a compulsion to make me tell him all my sexy ideas for punishments in real-time after I woke up.

Then he kept me under awhile and questioned me about some of my punishment ideas. I flushed as I remembered telling him about my bathroom humiliation fantasies. Then I told him how important it was to paddle me when I lost my temper, especially if I tried to start a fight. But Kevin wanted to know how to tell the difference between when I was just feeling bitchy and when I was ready to fight because I felt strongly about a serious disagreement. I answered that I'd always know the difference, so he modified my real-time compulsion to make me tell him everything that was emotionally important, including when I was feeling bitchy and when I was seriously upset about something. That sounded like pretty good control to me! It was clear I wasn't going to get away with any bratty behavior from now on, but Kevin was being very thoughtful about making sure I'd be able to express my opinions forcefully.

I remembered the second special phrase I'd created, to disable my hypnotic key phrase so Kevin wouldn't be able to control me anymore, and I was extremely happy that I didn't have any need to use it. Then I smiled and snuggled back against Kevin's body as I waited to forget about it again until tomorrow night, and slowly drifted off to sleep.