The Mammoth Book of Paranormal Romance Book

Paranormal Relationship Q&A


Q: My superhero hubby has a habit of throwing expensive SUVs at villains when fighting them on the street. We're getting sued left and right for restitution by the owners. What could I do to change this bad habit?

Super-annoyed in Texas

A: Tell your hubby to look for cheaper alternatives. If he must throw something big at a super villain, he could use street lamps instead. They're pretty effective, and the best thing of all --- they're owned by the government! The government wouldn't charge your hubby for them --- they're more likely to give him a medal for taking down a dangerous super villain instead!


Q: I'm a zookeeper in a military facility that studies paranatural creatures. Lately, I seem to have fallen in love with one of my charges, which is a Selkie. I know that I'm not supposed to do that, but I can't help it! Especially when he parades naked in front of me whenever I come into his cage to feed him. I'm thinking of running away with it/him.

Confused in NY


A: Don't do it! Everyone knows how human/Selkie affairs end. A Selkie (Homo Pinnipedia) uses its sealskin to travel in water, but could shed it to walk on land as a human. But they're not human! The males have a predilection for seducing human women using magic, so what you're feeling now might be the result of it. This only works when you're near him. So stay away from him! He's just manipulating you to get out of the facility. You must not let your personal feelings overcome your duty to science. Besides, you'll be committing bestiality, which is a federal offense.


Q: I met this really gorgeous woman at a party last week and we're getting serious pretty fast. But a church friend saw us together and warned me that she might be a "succubus". What does it mean? She speaks with a thick Irish accent. I really want us to be together.
Paul

A: A succubus is a kind of a demon. She will ride you and take your seed and your soul to Queen Rusalka of the Unseelie Court. They all have Irish accents because their HQ is in Ireland (and not in hell, as so many erroneously believe). If you really love her, you must resist her. If she can't take your soul after three attempts, their queen will punish her by turning her into an ordinary mortal woman. Then you will be able to be together with your ladylove. Good luck!


Q: I'm a newlywed whose wife happens to be a mermaid. She has the cutest tail and I love her Irish accent. We're very happy together and always agree on virtually everything, except when it comes to food. She doesn't like normal human food, even sushi. What should I feed her? She gets tired of the cat's canned tuna after just a week.
Newlywed in Tokyo

A: Here's a tried and tested recipe for your mermaid bride:

Ocean Treasures Salad

Ingredients: 1 pail of cut up tuna or whole mackerel, a few abalones, fresh kelp leaves.

Cut up the abalones and kelp leaves. Sprinkle with fresh sea salt. Add a liter of seawater. Mix all ingredients in a pail. Serve cold.


Q: I've just found out that my dad is a demon. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. Help!
Teen Damian

A: Yours is an increasingly common problem nowadays, with so many children from human/demon unions just finding out about their mixed heritage. Don't worry! There are support groups for half-demons in nearly every major city in the US. Join the H.D.A (Half Demons Anonymous) group in your area. Remember, being half-demon doesn't necessarily mean that you have to spend your life doing evil. There's hope for everyone --- even for Lucifer!


Q: I'm reading this really thick book about paranormal romances. It's a collection of short stories about people who date seals, vampires, ghosts, demons, Djinns, etc. A few of the stories are decent, but the rest is just unromantic, unreadable, tedious, stupid crap. I'm reading it for something called The Twelve Labors of Goodreads.* What should I do?
Sandybanks

A: Throw it away! Life's too short to read crappy books that you don't enjoy.


Well, that's all for this week's Q&A, folks. Remember, relationships with paranormal beings can be challenging, and even downright dangerous (and perhaps illegal in some cases), but if you make the effort, the rewards could be very great indeed. They're mysterious, they have cool supernatural powers, and they ALL have gorgeous faces and hot bods! What more can you ask for?


Supernatural Dating Tips of the Week

- Unicorns hate non-virgins.

- For a vampire, 4-day old blood is fine vintage.

- If you are dating someone hairy called Wulf or similar, he is likely to be a werewolf.

- Succubi and mermaids generally have Irish brogues.

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