Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers Book

As cliched as it sounds, this book was a revelation to me. As a young feminist who is just starting out in her career, I was relatively certain that the professional world would have changed since Frankel wrote her book and that acting in a professional (yet reserved) fashion would be sufficient in today's workplace. Clearly, I was mistaken (although not as much as I thought).

Frankel first has the reader take a 49 question quiz, which is able to determine which of the eight areas are both your strong and weak points. My strengths were in "how you think," "how you look," and "how you play the game." Honestly, parts of the "how you look" section of the book was a bit ridiculous and somewhat dated, even though this book is but 8 years old, (don't wear inappropriate makeup, dress appropriately, grooming in public, wrong hairstyle, etc.), but the DC Interns blog, cataloging all the mishaps of our annual guests, exists for a reason. All of these examples show up repeatedly in that blog, so clearly, this issue still exists. For me, the parts about "dressing the part" were the easiest--it was the more physical ways of holding yourself that I learned I needed to work on.

My weakest points were in "how you market yourself" and "how you respond," two areas that I *knew* I had problems.

I gleaned many, many tips from the book (my poor library copy was tabbed to pieces), mostly subtle things that I can easily put into action--indeed, I already have tried out many of these action items.

"How You Play the Game"

1) Allow yourself to 'waste' a little time each day. 'Wasting' time, like getting coffee or going out to lunch, allows you to build personal relationships with your coworkers. (Which might help you in getting another job later...) While I might feel a bit guilty stepping away from my desk to grab coffee with coworkers, building these personal relationships over the years has been good for my personal life (new friends!) but it might pay off professionally. (Not, of course, that my coworkers are only good for finding other jobs!)

2) "Stop volunteering for low-profile, low impact assignments." Just because I *can* volunteer doesn't mean that I should. Additionally, stop trying to help out in solving problems. It sounds a bit cold-hearted (especially to someone who seems to have this crazy need to help everyone everytime), but "avoid the inclination to want to solve the problem for them. It's *their* problem, not yours." I think this is all part of learning how to say NO. (Easier said than done, I know.)

3) Taking breaks. A former coworker/mentor of mine said that she had to take breaks throughout the day so that she wouldn't lose her mind. I didn't realize the importance of her wise words at the time (what, you mean I can leave my desk for a bit?!), but now I try to get up and move around for a bit every few hours. Coffee, lunch, a brief walk outside--all help to better my mood and make me more productive when I get back to my desk.

4) Couch requests in the form of a statement. Don't ask--TELL. Make it a fait accompli. (Would only work if you make plans: "I've added money to the budget for extra training and staff members" instead of just asking for more money.)

5) Don't necessarily avoid office politics. I love politics, but office politics--especially in small offices--terrify me. You need to define what you have to offer to another person and what you need/want from the other person. "Each time you go out of your way for someone or give them what you they need, you've earned a figurative 'chip' that you can later cash in for something you need." Everything is in exchange for something else. My problem: actually cashing in my 'chips.' I *hate* asking people for things.

6) Don't be the office conscience. Obviously, if something is heinously wrong, tell someone, but you need to weigh the benefit of pointing out minor infractions against the possible consequences.

7) DON'T BE AFRAID TO SPEAK UP. Probably my #1 problem, both professionally and academically. If I don't 100% have to talk, I won't. Too many occassions of being told how dumb my opinion/thought/comment/question was has made me incredibly wary of ever opening my mouth, even if I know that I'm right. I know that I need to speak up more, and a good way of doing this is to practice speaking up in meetings (or class) at least once per session. It gets easier each time. And this is totally true.

8) Capitalize on relationships. As I'm working on my grad thesis, I've learned how important this is. Nobody will want to talk to you, but if you namedrop/refer to others/get an introduction, getting information/what you want becomes much easier. I think this goes together with #5.


"How You Act"

1) Don't poll before you make a decision, aka 'crowdsourcing,' of which I'm very guilty of doing. I think it's fine when you're trying to decide where to meet for dinner or what to wear, but professionally, it shows that you can't make a decision. Action item: take risks--make small decisions without input. Figure out what you have to lose if you do X.

2) Stop needing to be liked. I think this is so ingrained in teaching gender roles--that it's better to be liked than many other things. Remember that when people are angry/annoyed at you, it might be because they're trying to get you to do something that they want/act a certain way. I'm not sure that I 100% agree with this, but I do know that being liked isn't necessarily the best method of achieving what you want at the risk of everything else.

3) ASK QUESTIONS--STOP FEELING SCARED OF SOUNDING STUPID. Yup, easily my #1 problem. I was always taught that it's better to not say anything and have people think you're dumb than to open your mouth and have it confirmed, but I do know that such thinking is wrong. Correcting years of that, though, is rough. Asking questions to understand is a sign of confidence, not ignorance. If asking a question will help other people, definitely go for it. Best takeaway from this entry: "If people make you feel stupid over a question you've asked, you can assume it's their problem, not yours. If they do it consistently, ask them point blank why they feel the need to put you down just because you've asked a question." The last part will be rough to put in action (hello, fear of confrontation!), but it's definitely valid.

4) Don't give the whole truth unless it's 100% necessary. This is so true with job applications. Women are more apt to not apply for a job if they don't meet all qualifications, while men will apply when it's about a 75% match of skills to qualifications. Two key points: "Don't make a mistake worse by embellishment...Avoid the tendency to agree or explain, and don't allow yourself to feel bad about it. Practice saying, 'I understand what you're saying, and I'll keep that in mind in the future.'" And "It's true I don't have all the qualifications listed, but what makes me a viable candidate is my depth of hands-on experience." Definitely something to keep in mind as I job search.

5) Don't share too much personal information. If a personal situation is affecting job performance, don't explain, but say, "I'm going through a rough time right now but my job is important to me. I'll work on paying closer attention to the details."

6) Don't always feel the need to help. "Because women are taught early in their lives that others must know more than they do, so knowledge and self-confidence must be gained externally. Helping others is one way capable women gain external validation for their self-worth." SO TRUE.

"How You Think"

This was by far my strongest attribute, but there are still some things I need to work on.

1) Manage expectations--don't get taken advantage of. Be willing to go the extra mile, but make sure to tell people when an expectation is unrealistic.

2) PERFECTIONISM. "Perfect is the enemy of the good" is something I need tattooed on me somewhere. Strive for 80% perfection--the difference between 80% and 100% is so small and often won't be noticed, but it will buy you more time for other important tasks.

"How You Brand and Market Yourself"

And one of my worst categories. I hate selling myself (see my review of "Do What You Love"--it's classic ISTJ behavior, apparently), but I know that I need to become much better at it, especially during a job hunt.

1) Make a list of 3-5 things you enjoy at work, then translate them into strengths, and then note how that makes you different than others.

2) Don't sell yourself short. "When offered a position or assignment that's new to you, TAKE IT. If others have enough confidence in you that you can do the job, YOU SHOULD, TOO." I need to remember this.

3) DON'T BE SO MODEST. Again, I think this is so ingrained in women that it's hard to take credit for a job well done. Stop saying "Oh, it was nothing." It WAS something. Learn how to say "thank you" after being given a compliment. I'm trying so hard on this one, and I think some things are actually beginning to sink in!

4) Get out of your safety zone--this is one I actually did *before* reading this book. After a bit of pressure/boost of confidence from a coworker, I volunteered for a writing assignment, and my boss said "sure." And now I'm quite nicely doing it. I'm stretching my skill set and learning new things. "If you're willing to take the calculated risk of possibly failing, it's not selfish to learn on the job."

5) Stop doing stereotypical "girl" jobs, like making coffee or copies. If asked, you should suggest that the duty be on a rotating basis. I'm not necessarily guilty of this (so far), but this would be a good one to remember when I find another job that isn't as laid-back (in terms of office attitude--we all get our own coffee and make our own copies if needed) as the one I have now. I have a feeling this might be an issue later on. This comes up again in "How You Respond," but learn to say "It's a big deal to me" if your boss complains about you not wanting to make coffee, etc.

"How You Sound"

1) Stop using "upspeak"--making every statement sound like a question. I think I've gotten myself out of this this completely, but I know that I'm much more likely to couch opinions as questions, which I need to stop. Be assertive!

2) Don't always explain. Just because you know more about a subject doesn't mean you need to say it all. "Depending on your level of expertise, it may be incomplete to you, but not to the other person." This goes along with thinking that everyone knows more than you do.

3) Don't ask for permission--just inform. "By informing others you show respect for their need to know, but without *your* action being contingent upon *their* approval." If people have a problem, they'll let you know.

4) STOP APOLOGIZING. JUST STOP. "Apologizing for unintentional, low-profile, non-egregious errors erodes our self-confidence and, in turn, the confidence others have in us." If something is egregious, apologize ONCE, then move on--turn it into an objective assessment and think of ways to fix the problem. Always think that you're EQUAL to the other person (someone may be of higher rank, but that doesn't make them better--hard habit to break from a military background, though).

5) Practice saying "thank you." Goes along with accepting compliments. Don't downplay what you did. "Thank you. I'm quite proud of what I achieved and must give some credit to those who helped me along the way."

6) Directly answer whatever question there is. Don't waffle. Take a risk--say 'yes' or 'no.' You don't have to be 100% perfect--better than sounding wishy-washy.

7) DON'T TALK TOO FAST. Something else I'm 100% guilty of. I think my opinion isn't valid, so I try to talk (on the rare occasions that I *do* talk) as quickly as possible so that someone else with a better opinion can speak. STOP THAT. You are entitled to be seen and heard. You are entitled to take all the time you need to convey your message.

8) Stop using touchy-feely language. Be assertive. "I think..." "I believe..." "I intend..." "I would like..." Be strong! Be direct! Language strongly conveys messages about us, so show that you're strong and decisive. This comes up again in "How You Respond." To counter being treated inappropriately, learn to tell people what you really think. "I would appreciate it if you did X."

9) Speak up! Have a loud(er) voice. This one reminds me of a scene from the book "Contact." Ellie is in graduate school in a male-dominated field (physics, I think), and nobody will ever listen to her in class, so she comes up with this persona--authoritative, strong, loud, CONFIDENT. She says that it makes her laugh to listen to herself speak that way, since it's not her at all, but she gets results. People LISTEN. This comes up again in "How You Respond." Be one of the first few people to speak up at a meeting--you never want to be the last person to speak. "The longer you wait to speak, the more likely it is that someone else will say what you're thinking--and get credit for it." This is one of my biggest issues in speaking up in class. I'll be thinking something but won't say it for fear of sounding stupid, and then someone else goes on to say the exact same thing and get praised for brilliance. And if only I had spoken up...

"How You Look"

A bit dated, but clearly relevant, given what all I've seen on the Metro of women dressed for work.

1) Stop taking up too little space. This is so easy to put into practice. The more space you take up, the more confident you appear. In elevators, now, I try to stop cowering in the corner to make room for others. Obviously, don't hog all the space, but that space is yours. You're entitled to it! Take it!

2) Stop sitting on your foot...? I honestly have no idea what this means. I'm trying to picture this in my head, but I can't imagine what this means. Is this tucking a foot under the other under your chair? Or is this actually sitting on your foot IN your chair? If it's the latter, that's just wildly unprofessional and nobody should ever do that, but if it's the former, I'm a little confused as to how I should actually sit, then.

3) MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT. One I'm 100% guilty of, but I'm working on it. Apparently, it means that I'm uncomfortable (usually true in social situations anyway) and unsure of myself. But I need to get out of that habit.

"How You Respond"

This was by far my worst category. Women are not taught to defend ourselves or get angry when someone is disrespectful to us, teaching us to be tolerant of people who treat us like crap.

1) Stop internalizing messages. I need to read "The Drama of the Gifted Child"--how parenting (sorry, Mom...) placed unrealistically high expectations on them. I wonder if this is why I have such a horrible case of 'Impostor Syndrome.'

2) Stop thinking everyone knows more than you. 'Impostor Syndrome,' yet again.

3) Stop being so patient. If you don't ask, it might not happen: promotions, etc. If told that you're being impatient, ask when a good time would be to revisit the issue. If asked to wait a long time, ask WHY such a long time is needed.

4) Put yourself first. I tell my sister this all the time, but the only person looking out for you is YOU. Easier said than internalized. It is NOT selfish to have your needs met. Have a life outside of work, especially.

I've added to issues above where topics discussed in this section relate. These action items are harder to put into practice than others, since these are about changing your worldview completely.

Overall, I was really impacted by this book. It has given me some great tips on how to act professionally and what all I need to do to help make a successful career. I took off one star for the chapter on "How You Look," since to me, it seemed ridiculous and dated.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

Source: Reddit posting on women in business