Uncharted lives Book

I wanted to like this book way more than I did. Downs' broad premise - that gay culture is awash in deeply calcified narcissism - is a valid one, and bears the additional virture of being entirely true. However, like many readers, it became clear to me very early on that I did not fall into this book's target demographic, which has led me to wonder if its scope is much more narrow than many (including the author) realize. There is a white upper middle class American-centricity to Downs' approach, an outlook perhaps shaped by Downs' drawing most his interviews for this book from clients of his LA practice. While it's entirely possible that he uses a sliding scale, therapy is prohibitively expensive for most people and then usually not covered by health insurance. I imagine this may have skewed his samples sample somewhat, as the reader winds up being guided by Downs through a world of high-achieving, feminized, outsized personalities hosting fabulous dinner parties in Malibu, guided all throughout by the minorly irritating usage of the first person plural (you can only put up with so much of the word "we" if it's being consistently applied to experiences that lay very far outside your own).

Not all gay men grow up to become Simon Doonan, who I presume to be a lovely individual. But not all gay men will struggle in the ways that Downs portrays here either (as many commentors have rightly pointed out). And it is also true (and probably most important to say) that many gay men will struggle mightily for reasons that go completely unaddressed by Downs throughout this book, and that one could easily imagine simply aren't perceived by many of the individuals whose personal lives he depicts. There are some diamonds in the rough here and there (the pathology of the need to conform, being validated for pretense, etc.) but there's a noticeable dearth of cultural competency here that undercuts the more critical insights Downs tries to make.

An Amazon reviewer (not me) hit it on the head by saying, "if someone living in rural America or inner city America or Islamic America or Bible-belt America or outside of America is looking for some guidance in coping with the shame and low self-esteem and death threats that are weighing him down, he may want to look elsewhere."