Contents
Preface....................xiii
Introduction....................xv
Some Definitions to Start....................xvii
About the Author....................xxi
Disraeli and Gladstone....................1
Lady Astor and Sir Winston Churchill....................3
Sir Winston and the Labour M P....................6
Churchill and Attlee....................7
Par Excellence....................8
An American Tourist in London....................16
How to Get To Heaven....................17
The Lone Ranger....................19
The Pope's Car....................21
The Man Who Attained Heaven....................23
The Nun and the Liquor Store....................25
Eighty....................27
A Boy and His Goose....................28
The 12-point Buck Deer....................30
A Small Plane Is Lost....................32
Married For the Third Time....................33
Who Has the Smartest Dog....................34
The Violation....................35
Calling a Spade a Spade....................36
The Three Bulls....................37
Twenty-four Hours to Live....................39
The Vasectomy....................40
The Virgin Birth....................41
Three Doctors....................42
The Dutch Air Ace....................43
The Vicar and the Little Girl....................44
Outdoor Plumbing....................46
The Specimen....................48
Father Clancy's Sermon....................50
The Houses on the Street....................52
The Price Is Right....................54
The 12-inch Pianist....................55
The Quickie....................56
The Psychiatrist....................57
The Turn Signal....................58
Call the Elevator....................59
The Carabinieri Payroll....................60
The Gay Couple....................61
The Guest on the TV Show....................62
How the Angel Got Atop the Christmas Tree....................63
Can't Get Back Up the Chimney....................65
He Ignores Her Until ....................66
The Hasidic Jew....................67
The Composer....................69
The Diff erence between Heaven and Hell....................70
The Funeral Cortege....................71
The Double Negative....................72
The Rattlesnake in the Desert....................73
The Potato in the Bathing Suit....................74
The Newlyweds....................76
An Interfaith Conference....................77
The Camel Train....................78
The Naughty Parrot....................79
Adultery Confession....................80
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up....................82
On A Train between London and Manchester....................83
Now That I'm Eighty Years Old....................84
The Mermaid....................85
The Married Woman....................86
The Priest and the Rabbi....................87
The American Wrestler....................89
The Car Stopped....................91
The Conversion....................93
The Good Golf Game....................95
The Lost Golf Ball....................97
Arnold Palmer....................99
The Methodist Minister....................101
Green Side Up....................102
Hold the Water....................103
Harry Had a Heart Attack....................104
Three Wishes....................105
The Wooden Leg....................107
The Hunting Dog....................108
The Marooned Man....................110
Give Him Two Dollars....................112
The Case of Priapism....................113
His Friend Is Blind....................114
A Bird Is Late....................116
Broccoli....................118
Ignorant, Ignorant, Ignorant....................119
I Have To Have Some Right Now....................120
The Grand Dame of the Confederacy....................121
Two Drinks, Please....................123
In a Grocery Store....................125
The Kid Learned Everything....................126
The Flirting Lady....................127
The Ventriloquist....................128
The Head Is Larger Than the Shaft....................129
The Column of Smoke....................130
Expands Twelve Times....................132
The Case of Tennis Elbow....................133
Send Me Some Water....................135
The Mohel....................136
Wales....................138
The British Lady on the Train....................139
A Half Head of Lettuce....................141
The German Shepherd and the Pekinese....................142
Three Convicts....................143
The Little Green Rat....................145
The Simultaneous Arrivals....................146
Constipation....................147
The Religious Parrot....................149
Jump!....................151
Congratulations....................152
The Helper....................153
The Ex-Schoolteacher....................155
The Baseball Game....................157
His Friend Is Dead....................159
What Do You See?....................160
The Ugly Baby....................161
Looking Good....................162
Help Me Decide....................163
I Want a Whore with Syphilis....................164
The Not So Intelligent Dog....................165
The Collateral....................166
The Grandmother....................168
First Blow Job....................169
The Horse and Buggy....................170
The Jar Full Of $20 Bills....................172
There Is No Sound and No Smell....................174
It Has To Come Off....................175
Same Old, Same Old....................176
The Breakfast Together....................177
There Are No Fish Here....................179
Doggy Fashion....................180
Savoir Faire....................181
The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived....................182
The Polish Salesman....................184
The Genitals Have Been Blown Away....................186
Name Calling....................187
He Snores....................188
No Sex Tonight....................190
The Lion Tamer....................192
Gay Spiders....................194
Straight Down the Fairway....................195
Graphic Art....................197
The Virgin....................199
Aids or Alzheimer's Disease....................200
What Do You Think I Am....................201
The Green Circles....................203
The Bollocks of the Bull....................204
My Dad Has Two of Those....................205
That's for Pearl Harbor....................206
Baseball in Heaven....................207
The Gorilla Hunter....................208
Custer's Last Stand....................209
The Gunfighter....................211
The Golfing Couple....................215
The New Minister....................216
The Mexican Bordello....................218
A Hundred and Eleven....................219
I Want To Buy a Skoda....................221
Ten Years from Now....................223
Ode to Obama, Reid and Pelosi....................224
Dirty Ditties....................225
Short Takes....................228
Paraprosdokian Sentences....................250
The Value of a Drink....................260
At a bar....................263
A Few Political Short Takes....................265
Confucius Say....................266
Quotes Worth Remembering....................267
One-Liners....................270
Vocabulary (One-Liners):....................281
Conclusion....................305
Appendix I: French Expressions and Words....................307
Appendix II: American / British Expressions and Words....................323
Appendix III: Colloquialisms....................327
Acknowledgements....................335
