The Black Jewels Trilogy Book

Welcome to Terreille! Please fill out this simple questionnaire so that we may get you situated properly into your new life as part of the Blood!

1. Do you regularly injure yourself and/or indulge in illogically perilous activities?
Yes - You are female. Proceed to next question.
No - You are male. Sucks to be you. Please relocate to the vicinity of the most irritating female possible. You will be bonded for life. You are now basically married, only without the sexual perks. Like marriage, this union will be symbolized with a ring.
It will be worn on your penis.

2. Do the men in your life over-react or fuss domineeringly if you get so much as a splinter?
Yes - Proceed to next question.
No - You are a Villain! Please attend the seminar: That Man Wants You! How to overcome pesky things such as refusal, significant others, marriage, unadulterated hatred, and death threats! Give me leniency or give me death! (Note from Black Jewels Dictionary: Leniency, noun - The opportunity to return in later books for more mischief. See Exile.)

3. Do you have self-esteem issues?
Yes - Proceed to next question.
No - Something horrible is about to happen to you. Please choose one of the following:
Betrayal/Poison/Rape/Insanity/All of the Above.

4. Do you often risk your life in an unnecessarily dramatic manner, then mutter to yourself about "snarly males" and act perplexed when chastised?
Yes - Proceed to next question.
No - You are an interesting and unique individual and not a cookie-cutter copy of Jaenelle Angelline. You have somehow made a wrong turn and do not belong in this universe. Please conform or you will be escorted off the premises.

5. Are you good with plants?
Yes - Proceed to next question.
No - You are either an animal, a prostitute, dead, or completely unimportant.

6. Are you a Queen?
Yes - Proceed to next question.
No - You are a House Wife Hearth Witch! Go cook, clean things with OCD fervor, and make babies.

7. Did/does your significant other have some sort of damage that keeps you from being together?
Yes - You are a Main Character! Form your court and simply wait for the men to flock to you.
No - You lied about being a Queen. You are either an animal, a prostitute, dead, or completely unimportant.


On a more serious note, I really do enjoy these books. They're a great fluffy escapism read. ...Which seems a weird description now that I've written it, because many truly horrible things occur, but it's all just so over the top with no real consequences that it's impossible to take anything seriously. And when that happens, you either lighten up and just read for the hell of it or die under the weight of your critiques.
Ultimately, what you're left with is a fun, nostalgic romp through a more juvenile mindset because, honestly, who hasn't had some variation of that secret little 'misunderstood-girl-unlocks-innate-hidden-talents-and-becomes-much-beloved-princess-of-all the hot, popular guys-everything' fantasy at least once?
Not great and nothing I'd want to read a lot of, but enjoyable while it lasted.
I still occasionally re-visit this series, all while shaking my head and laughing fondly at the many ridiculous tropes that would normally have embarrassed the hell out of me - if you could get me to admit to reading the story at all. :)