Ten Greatest Gifts I Give My Children: Parenting from the Heart Book

Exerpts direct from text:

But despite my good intentions, I walked around in a fog, simply reacting to situations, never understanding that I had a choice in every reaction I had, every action I tool.

"Don't be curious, I'm in charge, your opinion's not important, stifle your energy, don't think, I'm not interested in what you have to say. You're a bad kid"

I'm glad your curious. I value your opinion and ideas. Think creatively. Let's figure out how to find an answer. Your're a good kid."

A lot of families I know, including my own for many years, steer their lives the way these drives do their cars--by staring in the rearview mirror!

We only have a certain amount of energy, time, and potential to use each day. Of the 100 percent we have, only we can choose where to focus it.

That kind of thinking would have lowered her self-esteem and diminished her joy and energy, …

Research shows that he is actually switching his attention back and forth from one thing to another.

We make choices every day. We can focus on what's not working (the left, back side) or we can focus on what's working. Since we can only focus on the one thing at a time and since we go toward what we focus on, where would you rather focus?\

Back Side Questioning: What's Not Working, Problem, What I don't Like about myself, All the reasons we can't get there, What's wrong with where we are?

Forward Side Questioning: What's working, Solution, What I like about myself, Results we want to create, What do we have to do to move toward where we want to be?

But there was also a predominantly negative focus of "Can you top this?"

Of all the things we do together as a family, what do you like best?

How does a child develop a sense of self if he or she must conform only to what is "acceptable" to the person or situation his or her family tiptoes around?

I always have a choice in what to see and how to react--and that knowledge alone has transformed my life.

If you want to get great performance from someone, you don't point out where they're weak or what they did wrong. If you want them to do better, focus on their strengths, and they'll go harder and harder in that direction.

Unfortunately, most of us focus not on the good steps as our kids go down the path of life but on every problem they create when they step off the path.

but praise must be sincere, it must be for their highest good and not just for your benefit or to manipulate them. It must also be specific, and it shouldn't be overused.

Optimism, as our children learn no to stay stuck on what's wrong or what can't be done and instead stay focused on what's working and what can be done.

Problem solving, as they learn to look for solutions rather than focus on the problem.

Self-esteem, as they focus on what's good about them selves.

Lack of defensiveness, as they're not looking for who to blame or why they're a victim.

Risk-taking, creativity, and a joyful attitude.

What has been the highlight of your day?

What was special about that person/event/situation

What were the best parts of the concert/movie/etc.?

What was it about this that you admired or enjoyed?

What do you like best about a teacher, a friend, etc.?

What is the value of that trait?

What would be the benefit of that action?

What are two or three things you are most pleased about?

What is the most important/fun/interesting about this?

What are you most looking forward to doing tomorrow, next week, on that trip?

What do you like best about yourself?

There are really only two kinds of messages we can give our children--hurtful ones that belittle or diminish them, or love messages that reinforce their goodness, their talents, and their possibilities.

There are so many junctions in our lives where we can choose to react angrily or decide to shit our focus to move forward.

The Greek philosopher Socrates knew that asking questions was the most effective way to teach so his students would get it. And retain it.

The "old" way of teaching is what I see so many people doing today, which is to tell 'em… and tell 'em… and tell'em some more--and then wonder why they didn't get it.

One of the primary differences between leadership and management is commitment versus compliance.

Typical management--whether at home or in business--doesn't allow people to think or to take responsibility; it doesn't nurture qualities and values that allow people to have a natural commitment to their work.

Transgenerational Style

I could do brilliant book reviews as long as no one wanted to know what

I actually throughout about the book.

In the absence of positive modeling and response at home, our children will find their role models at school, on TV or on the streets.

… if they just escalate the uproar enough someone will always come flying in and solve their problems.

They're the grown-ups who miss out on career opportunities, who think they're not good enough…

They're the parents who can't acknowledge their own or their children's greatness, thus perpetuating the cycle for generations.

When you teach through questions rather than telling, they find the world of their own creativity and talent and abilities they might otherwise never have discovered or acknowledged.

… they've never learned to manage their own time, make their own decisions, keep a healthy balance of work and play, rest and activity, quiet time and social events.

Their self-esteem collapses in their fear of being wrong.

What's different here than other places we've been? What do you think people do to have fun here?

What could you do to get the bike you want? How could I best support you in getting what you want?

Donna refrained from ever "telling" Brian anything, but kept the questions coming when he started to get stuck. And throughout it all, she modeled good communication, good listening, problem solving, and more.

A number of recent studies confirm that the m0ost stressed-out workers are those who feel they have no control over the circumstances around them.