Poems Book

Celebrity Death Match Special: Horatio at the Bridge versus Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery

[Late 6th century B.C. A plain before Rome. Enter LARS PORSENA, MAMILIUS, SEXTUS, their various VASSALS and RETAINERS, the ENTIRE TUSCAN ARMY and DR and SCOTT EVIL]

DR EVIL: [rubbing hands gleefully] We're almost there. We just cross the bridge, eliminate the token guard force, enter the now undefended city and sack and plunder it to our heart's content. Oh, this is so evil! Why have we stopped?

LARS PORSENA: Their captain, Horatio, has come out to meet us with two of his stout followers. They challenge us to trial by single combat.

DR EVIL: But if there's three of them, it can't be single combat?

LARS PORSENA: Triple combat, if you like. I am a general, not a sophistical philosopher.

DR EVIL: So what's your plan?

LARS PORSENA: I will send against them three of my finest champions, Aunus, Seius and Picus.

DR EVIL: And if they don't deliver?

LARS PORSENA: I will send three more champions, Aruns, Ocnus and Lausulus.

DR EVIL: And if that doesn't work?

LARS PORSENA: I will send my greatest champion, Astur of Luna.

DR EVIL: All on his own?

LARS PORSENA: If the Fates have written it so, he will triumph.

DR EVIL: Sounds good to me.

SCOTT EVIL: Hold on. I mean, WTF dude?

LARS PORSENA: I grasp not thy uncouth words.

SCOTT EVIL: Can you translate, Dad?

DR EVIL: Quod coïtum, homine?

LARS PORSENA: Speak, slave, but be brief.

SCOTT EVIL: Thank you. I mean, hey, but this is totally not real. Like, how many archers you got there, Mister Tuscan General?

LARS PORSENA: A company of the finest Scythian archers, their breastplates gleaming in the--

SCOTT EVIL: Right. That's, what, one hundred crack archers? Tell me how to say it in Latin, and I'll order them to turn those three mo-fos into pincushions. It'll take less than a minute.

[LARS PORSENA and DR EVIL look at each other and shake their heads sadly]

DR EVIL: I'm sorry, Scott. You just don't get it, do you?