How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage Book

"When something is broken you cannot repair it unless you understand how it works....Some of us try to fix our marriages without ever taking a look at how they work." And so begins this important, perspective changing, marriage altering - even relationship altering - book. When a friend was describing its premise to me a few weeks ago I was intrigued. How do I love? I'm not sure, if pressed, I could come up with an answer that made sense to anyone including me! And I actually don't know how I love. I was also hearing about this book at the same time my first true love, and ex-boyfriend I thought I would be married to, resurfaced and he and I, with my husband chaperoning of course, had to navigate the waters of closure on a relationship dead in the water many years ago but the wreckage still floated in the sea. I know that perhaps not only how I love is formed by what I learned about it in my growing up years but perhaps its extended to this relationship that meant so much to me in very formative years as well.
I took the little "love style" quiz from the author's website. Click here if you are curious enough yourself. And so with that little bit of possible knowledge about me I dove into the book. By page 11 I was emailing a friend and recommending it and making mental notes in my head, amazed that some of the questions they ask if I ask myself were spot on! (Note: They recommend doing the workbook along with the book, I didn't as I checked out the book from the library. But I have decided upon finishing the book that this reading of it was cursory at best and I ordered it, with the workbook included, through Amazon and will be going back through it giving it the time it deserves so I can learn. Yes, it is THAT good.)
The Yerkovich's make a convincing argument (not that I needed convincing but certainly others might) that in order to go forward in the future we must first visit, but not live, in the past. "The past defines nearly everything about us: our emotions, beliefs, desires, and preferences. We are the sum of our history. To ignore it is to be blind to the currents that sweep us along through life." (Page 31) So they take the reader first on a visit to the past to discover what kind of love was imprinted on us from the moment we were born.
Taking their time they outline and unpack what five different love styles, or imprints, look like and how they may have formed. The five styles are: Avoider, Pleaser, Vacillator, Controller, and Victim. I identified most closely with 2 of the styles which is one reason why I wanted to go back through and do the workbook as well. I would even consider going to one of their workshops! Yes, it is THAT good.
A few of the reviews I read said the many examples and stories they give were unnecessary, I 100% disagree. I thought the examples and stories they gave helped flesh out the different ways in which the love styles manifest themselves. And the Yerkovich's did a good job balancing between the male and female responses to the love styles. Traditionally we think of men as being the controller, for example, and they gave a real life example of a woman that was a controller. For me that was refreshing to not have examples that stuck men and women in roles traditionally thought of but to show that man or woman is prone to any of the love styles.
After fleshing out the love styles the Yerkovich's then spend the remainder of the book helping the reader understand how to go about beginning to relate to others (spouse, friends, etc - although they did phrase the remainder of the book in marriage terms but you can easily transfer to all relationships) through something they call the "comfort circle". In each section they explain thoroughly what that part of the circle is and how each love style can look for ways to relate in healthy ways through it. I can see where the workbook will greatly enhance not just the unpacking of the different learning styles but also give insight and guidance on how to begin to be healthy and relate well. Reading just the book will give someone a great step forward in understanding and even tiny amounts of application but the workbook is where the application really comes in, or so I am guessing.
This is a relationship changing, life changing book. For those of you who don't like to read authors who are Christians still give this book a shot. While the Yerkovich's are Christians they don't preach at you, they don't saturate the book with Christianese, they write for any kind of reader - Christian or not. I would say a good 99% of the book doesn't even touch religion so if you are generally put off by Christian books I think you can safely give this one a shot. And what the Yerkovich's include in matters of God makes so much sense and is so appropriate that I would hope even those not subscribing to religion would sense the wisdom of what they included.
HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommended. I will be recommending to all the people I care about - married or not because we all have to interact in relationships and this book will help you understand how you've been relating, why, and how to become healthy in your relating.