How to Be the Perfect Grandma Book

Standing By ix Grandmothering Has its Perks xiii Rule 1: There are rules. Follow them or go directly to Grandma jail 3
Rule 2: Make your move fast and decisively 5
Rule 3: Be calm. Pick your battles Trust me, you'll have plenty 9
Rule 4: Promise anything, but get the kid 11
Rule 5: Shut up and leave 12
Rule 6: Don't even answer the phone when you've got the baby. Let Grandpa talk to them They never mess with him 13
Rule 7: Never, ever, ever let anything bad happen to the kid on your watch But if it does, lie 14
Rule 8: Do whatever is necessary for the good of your grandchild 23
Rule 9: Listen politely to instructions, then do what you want Just like your kids did to you 25
Rule 10: Her mother is blood. His is company 26
Rule 11: Ignore the pacifier 29
Rule 12: They do not sterilize bottles or boil nipples anymore 30
Rule 13: Babies sleep propped on their sides or backs 30
Rule 14: Baby powder is passé 31
Rule 15: The playpen is out; the entire house is in 32
Rule 16: You are no longer the reigning monarch 33
Rule 17: MYOB 36
Rule 18: Grandma's house should always be stocked with the good stuff 37
Rule 19: You don't get a treat when your grandchild attempts a potty break You only get wet 40
Rule 20: Do not baby-sit unless you want to 43
Rule 21: Only let the child play with the cell phone 44
Rule 22: We all know that you are the better grandma, but try not to flaunt it when the competition is around 49
Rule 23: Guilt-trip your daughter into having kids if you have to 52
Rule 24: Always remember that you're in competition with the other grandmother 54
Rule 25: It doesn't matter what you do or where you live It only matters that your title is "grandma " 56
Rule 26: Be prepared to prove your good driving record 59
Rule 27: When a friend's daughter calls to ask for help, be very sure you really want to volunteer 62
Rule 28: If you own the offending crib, stroller, etc , be prepared never to use it for the baby Ever 66
Rule 29: Birthday parties for one- and two-year- olds are irrelevant 69
Rule 30: Don't be a dinosaur. Just be yourself 70
Rule 31: Don't make any deals you can't keep or your pocketbook can't handle 72
Rule 32: All our daughters and daughters-in-law are locked in a psychological tug-of-war. And it's all about you 74
Rule 33: The only people interested in hearing about your grandchildren are grandparents who want to tell you about theirs 76
Grandma Who? 79
About the Author 95