All the Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right Book

I think this book has gotten a lot of undeserved bad critique.

OK, OK, about 15% of this book is complete nonsense, and probably about 5% is outdated. However, a good 80% of it is genuinely good advice.

As somebody who lived 25 years of her life being the complete opposite of a "Rules girl" and failing miserably at building healthy romantic relationships, I found myself a little more open-minded than the average person when it came to this book.

Here are some ways in which I think this book succeeds:

- distinction between the ways of men and women: Men and women are fundamentally different - not in terms of equality or worth as human beings, but in the ways they interact, behave and what each is initially attracted to. It's a scientific fact that our brains are wired differently. A man's first impression is primarily VISUAL - they are drawn to pretty girls and bright colors (whether it's a dress, shoes, jewelry, hair is a whole other story). So I don't think there's anything wrong with the suggestion to take care of ourselves so that WE can feel great about ourselves (what the man thinks is only an added bonus). Also, the suggestion to pay attention to what a man does, not what he says... Especially with men, actions do speak louder than words.

- encouraging women to have a life of their own outside the dating world: Yes, the book is written mainly for women who are interested in finding the perfect husband. However, for every time the authors tell you to wait before responding to a man or limit the number of dates you have with him every week, there is an equal amount of effort dedicated to the theme of "don't just say you're busy, BE busy." Obviously it won't be possible to have an engagement every single Friday and Saturday night for the rest of your life (at least, it isn't for me), and sometimes you may have to keep the truth from the guy you're dating to maintain the impression that you're a social butterfly and thus be more appealing to him. I honestly don't see the harm in this: if being alone on a Friday night bothers you, then wouldn't it be even worse to advertise it to the men you're dating? And also: it's really none of his business what you're doing when you're not with him while you're still casually dating.

- the idea of putting long-term goals before short-term gratification: Again, this book is geared primarily towards women who are looking for a long and happy marriage. If that's not you, then this book is not for you. But it's still no reason to trash the book.

- boosting self-confidence: The way I see it, the rules are strung together with a very important thread, and that's the idea of women taking care of themselves, whether it be superficial (physical pampering), spiritual (doing yoga, meditation or anything else that makes YOU feel happy), and social (engaging in healthy romantic relationships). So for everybody who's saying this book is anti-feminist, I'll have to respectfully disagree. "Twilight" is a book about damsels in distress; "The Rules" isn't. The rules simply encourage you to be a challenge for the next guy who comes along, and I see nothing wrong with this. Yes, it really sucks that dating has to be a game, but at least in the beginning I believe that's the truth and everybody who's dying to open up and be honest about EVERYTHING (myself including) just has to suck it up and get through to the next stage...

- "the Rules are not forever": This book is about presentation, not lying. They're not saying you can't be honest about your awkward ugly duckling phase in high school or the fact you're in AA - just not on the first couple dates. And assuming you are taking care of yourself (for yourself), this really doesn't matter in the long run.



Yes, there are a number of spots where it seems like this book contradicts itself (the whole therapist business, the fashion magazines, etc etc), and if you want to nitpick the entire thing as though it's a classic of world literature, you're bound to find many faults. But I don't think that's what this book should be treated as. The biggest messages I got from it were to a) take care of myself (in every way, including not taking risks with the men I let into my life) and b) stop wasting my time and energy over dead-end situations (a message shared with "He's Just Not That Into You"). If these aren't empowering messages, I don't know what is.

Heck, I'd even go as far as to say I'd make my daughter read this, if I ever have a daughter.