Why Do People Love America?: A Supersized Analysis of US Cultural Influences Book

The White Man's Burden

GEORGE W. BUSH: PORTRAIT OF A LEADER. THE GEORGE W. BUSH LEGACY. THE BUSH TRAGEDY. Numerous biographizers have biographized about George W. Bush, the 43rd and 44th President of the United States, respectfully, but these biographies all suffer the same fatal flaw: they're filled with facts. Thusly, Mr. President - or King George, as he's fond of being called - has written the definingest account of his own life and times, entitled DESTINED FOR DESTINY: THE UNAUTHORIZED AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF GEORGE W. BUSH.

More faithier than THE FAITH OF GEORGE W. BUSH, more partisaney than BUSHWHACKED, more funner than THE GEORGE W. BUSH COLORING BOOK - indeed, rawer than the finest sushi made by the most hard-workingest Chinamen, more unfiltered than even Ward Cleaver's Lucky Strikes - DESTINED FOR DESTINY tells George W. Bush's life story, in his own vernacular.

In this unauthorized, semi-autobiographical autobiography, President George W. Bush recounts his life's biography, touching upon a number of touchstone issues, including:

* His childhood struggle against excessive wealth and crippling privilege: "Like ROOTS, only white."

* His love for Laura: "I was blessed with the good fortune of meeting a wonderful small-town Texas woman who had a dazed and clueless stare reminiscent of a goat that had been struck between the eyes with a tire iron - a halting kind of beauty which every man desires in a woman."

* His non-battle with a drinking problem: "The day I realized that I was not an alcoholic changed my life."

* The Greatest Love of his Life: "Jesus."

* Al Gore: "I did not have a nickname for him because I did not have warm feelings for him. I only felt for him what one might feel for a calculator or other type of inhuman thinking box."

* The multi facets of 9/11: "9-11, September the 11th, and the events of 9-11, 2001."

* John Kerry: "[The Democrats] turned to dark forces, and created a candidate using perverted science. John Kerry was what they called it. He had the tall, lanky torso of Abe Lincoln, and the brain of my previous opponent, Al Gore. He also had Michael Dukakis's hair, Walter Mondale's charm, and the strong lower jaw of Herman Munster, the great Democratic President of the 1960s."

* His brave crusade against gay marriage: "We worked to protect marriage from the wrongful marriers."

* His enduring legacy: "I strongly believe that a large statue is called for, and I propose that this towering likeness be built in the glorious city center of the new, rebuilt New Orleans."

Our Dear Leader also ponders age-old ponderables, such as:

* Is our children learning?

* Will the highways on the Internet become more few?

* Does Brazil have blacks, too?

* Should steroids be banned from baseball?

* Is Brownie doing a heckuva a job, or the heckuvaest job?

In sum, it will leave meat-huggers and meat-eaters alike wanting a hot dog. Perhaps even one dipped in chocolate. (But not dark chocolate; in the words of dubya, full-time decision-maker and part-time wiener connoisseur, "A truly American snack treat must be covered in milk chocolate only.")

Because George W. Bush is no fan of words, or collections of words called books, he has generously shouted DESTINED FOR DESTINY into a sound machine so that his adoring subjects can read it with their ears. Even so, he urges you to buy a copy of each edition, as the book-with-words also contains never-before-seen family photos and super-secret governating documents, while the book-with-sounds has bonus extra soundy stuff, like never-before-heard radio addresses. Besides, if you don't buy at least one copy of each book, the terraists win. You should probably also buy a paperback edition when it's released, just to be safer. The US of A can never be too safer. From terraists. Did I mention the terraists? They perpetuated 9-11, you know.

Also, if you like George W. Bush, and you liked the book George W. Bush wrote about the story of George W. Bush's life, then you may also like Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA's story about his own life story, entitled I AM AMERICA (AND SO CAN YOU). Although Dr. Colbert is an sinning Catholic, who has said some unkind sayings about The True Christians, he is still a rich, snow-white, heterosexual man-boy, and is a loyal supporter of both George W. Bush and Jesus. Says Our Dear Leader: "Stephen Colbert: great punditer or The Greatest Punditer (tm)?".