But He'll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in Abusive Relationships Book

Editor's Note xiii

Preface xv

Acknowledgments xix

Introduction 1

My Story 21

Chapter 1 Seeing Him as All-Powerful and the Center of My World 29

Yes, but ?

I Love Him 33

I Miss Him (or I Need Him) and Can't Live without Him 36

He Is Everything to Me 39

It Will Hurt to Leave Him 41

I Have to Do What He Wants or He Won't Love Me 43

I Have to Do What He Wants Sexually or He Won't Love Me (or He'll Find Someone Else) 45

I Have to Tell Him Everywhere I Go and What I Do So He Can Reach Me or He Shows Up Unexpectedly Because He Loves Me 47

If I Try to Leave, He Will Kill Me or My Children 49

If I Divorce Him He Will Take My Children from Me or Will Have the Children Alone for Visitation 51

He Is a Good Provider 53

Chapter 2 Denying and Minimizing His Behavior 55

Yes, but ?

He's Not All Bad or He Has a Really Sweet and Wonderful Side 58

We Have Had Some Good Times 60

He Only Yells at Me Because He Loves Me 61

My Children Need Their Father 63

He Doesn't Hurt the Children 66

He Doesn't Mean to Hit Me 68

At Least He Doesn't Hit Me 70

He Doesn't Lie to Me 73

At Least I Don't Have It as Bad as Others 75

He Must Love Me-He Gets Jealous When I Talk to or Spend Time with Other People 77

He Must Love Me-He Wants to Be with Me All the Time 79

It Doesn't Matter That I Quit Doing Things I Enjoy or That He Made Me Quit My Job 81

It Doesn't Matter What Other People Think or My Friends and Family Don't Understand 83

It Doesn't Matter What Names He Calls Me 85

It Doesn't Matter That He Insults My Religion, Race, or Ethnicity 87

It Doesn't Matter That He Flirts with Other Women 88

It Doesn't Matter That He Withholds Affection When He's Angry 89

He's Learned His Lesson by My Leaving-Now We Can Get Back Together and Everything Will Be Okay 90

This Can't Be Happening-I Am Not One of "Those Women" 92

Sooner or Later, He'll See What He's Doing and Stop 94

Chapter 3 Believing I Can Save Him 97

Yes, but

I Can Change Him 100

I Can Save Him 102

He Needs Me or He Can't Live without Me 104

I Have to Make This Work-I Don't Want to Be a Failure 107

I've Already Put So Much Energy into This Relationship That Would Go to Waste 109

I've Already Put So Much Energy into This Relationship-If I Leave, Someone Else Will Benefit from My Hard Work 112

Chapter 4 Sacrificing My Self 115

Yes, but ?

Lie Has Low Self-Esteem 119

I Don't Want to Hurt Him 120

Everyone Else in His Life Has Let Him Down-I Am All He Has 121

I Have to Stay or He Will Kill Himself 123

I Have to Forgive Him 124

I Must Stay, I Promised God 127

Chapter 5 Blaming Myself for His Behavior-Believing I Deserve It 131

Yes, but ?

If Only I Could Just Love Him Enough, He Would Change 135

If Only I Didn't Make Him Angry or Provoke Him 137

If Only I Were More Attractive/Thinner/Smarter/More Interesting/a Better Communicator/More Fun 138

I Made My Bed, Now I Have to Lie in It 140

I Never Do Anything Right-I Always Let Him Down/Disappoint Him/Say and Do the Wrong Thing/Blow It 142

Chapter 6 Blaming Outside Forces for His Behavior 145

Yes, but ?

If Only He Could Quit Drinking/Doing Drugs/Gambling/Having Affairs 148

If Only His Boss/Teacher/Coach Wouldn't Put Him Under So Much Stress 150

The Devil Made Him Do It 151

If Only My Family and Friends Would Treat Him Better or Be More Accepting and Accommodating 153

Chapter 7 Accepting Male Privilege 155

Yes, but ?

Men Should Make All the Decisions 159

Men Should Control All the Money and Property or Men Should Earn More Money Than Women 161

Men Have Fragile Egos 163

Men Don't Know How to Express Love or It's Just the Way Men Are 164

It's Okay for Him to Demand or Force Me to Have Sex 166

Chapter 8 Giving Up on Myself 167

Yes, but?

I Have No Choice of There's No Way Out or There's Nothing I Can Do 170

No One Else Will Ever Love Me or This Is Better Than Being Alone 173

At Least I Know What to Expect 176

At Least I'm Having Sex 178

It's Too Late to Start Over or I Can't Make It on My Own 180

No One Cares about Me Anyway 182

I'm a Stupid, Worthless Nothing 183

I Am Embarrassed and Ashamed to Be in This Situation 185

I Have Nowhere and No One to Turn To 186

I Can't Find a Job or I Have No Skills 187

I Can't Care for My Children 189

If I Try to Do Something, It May Backfire and Make the Situation Worse 190

Someone Else Will See What He Is Doing and Save Me 191

Appendix A

Educational Tools 193

What Is Abuse? 195

Profile of an Abuser 199

Cycle of Abuse 203

Chart of Coercion 205

Safety Planning 207

Appendix B

Additional Resources 213

Hotlines and Web Sites 215

Recommended Readings 217

Notes 221