The Humble Little Condom: A History Book

This is a deeply deeply irritating book, and a disappointment. By rights, it should have been an interesting book: take a titillating topic, scour historical literature for quotations and events around that topic, serve with a dash of wry humour. It's been done a million times and, sadly, better than this. "The Humble Little Condom" reads like it was put together by a grad student who had never read a pop history book.

Come on, people, this isn't rocket surgery. We like anecdotes, we like things we can tweet or email to our friends, and we like to be surprised. We don't like to have the history of the 20th century reprised chapter by chapter with softcock material like "Reflecting on the changes in courting in the United States, in 1927 Emily Post's book of etiquette talked about the "Vanishing Chaperon," or as young men called them, "fire extinguishers." Young couples were no longer accompanied on their dates, yet another new love word." You are not Bill Bryson, definitely not Bill Shakespeare, and don't even make the level of Bill Oddie.

The early chapters on Roman and Feudal sex were the most interesting to me, but I was put off by the author's desperate need to draw everything back to the condom. If I had a dollar for every time the author said "it is unclear" or "it is not a stretch to imagine that", I'd have enough money to hire a grad student to write this book properly.

My main takeaway from the book, though, was that the seamless condom is only a very recent invention. Just stop and think about that for a while, and go about your day grateful that we live in the age of vulcanized rubber. (Invented by Mr Goodyear who was long dead when someone unrelated founded the Goodyear Rubber Company)

I'll leave you with this quote from the ever-wise Aristotle, which will make you feel sorry for poor Mrs Aristotle.
A sign that the female does not emit the kind of seed that the male emits, and that generation is not due to the mixing of both as some hold, is that often the female conceives without experiencing the pleasure that occurs in intercourse.

Actually, no I won't. I'll end with the Greek "dog-knot", which athletes used. You take your uncircumcised penis, pull the foreskin over the top of the glans, and then tie a knot around the foreskin with a leather thong that you then hitch up as a jockstrap. Sound like fun? No. Another reason to skip Athletics Day at school if you were an ancient Greek kid.

No wait, one more: a big long list of saucy Latin terms.

PROSTITUTED EUPHEMISMS: LATINATE TERMS FOR PROSTITUTE

spurcae lupae'filthy whore
meretrix'harlot, the classiest member of the profession
prostibula'one who sits in front of her stall, waiting for customers
proseda'she who stands in front of her stall
nonariae'she who is forbidden to appear before the ninth hour (no afternoon delights)
mimae'mime players, who were always assumed to be (and usually were) prostitutes
cymbalistriae'cymbal players (strange intersection)
ambubiae'singing girls, same
citharistriae'harpists, same
scortum'strumpet who meets customers in secret
scorta erratica'streetwalkers who were quiet about their profession
busturiae'prostitutes who hung out around tombs and at funerals (what a way to find a customer)
copae'barmaids
delicatae'mistresses
famosae'soiled doves (women from good families who became professionals)
dois'whores who were naked and beautiful
lupae'she wolves, either because of the sounds they made while having sex or because they were animal-like in their lusts
aelicariae'baker's girls
noctiluae'nightwalkers
blitidae'also the name of a cheap drink sold in the crummy taverns in which these women plied their trade
forariae'country girls who hailed travelers along roadsides
gallinae'"hens who scatter everywhere," these were thieving prostitutes who stole from their clients
amasiae'vamps, these girls were devoted to the worship of Venus

Like I said, I enjoyed the early chapters more than the later. For maximum value, I'd say you should borrow this book from the library, read it fast, and stop around the time of the Victorians. Even then, it's only 6/10. I suffered so you don't have to. You're welcome.