Forgiveness and the Healing Process: A Central Therapeutic Concern Book

What I liked:

1. I appreciate the honesty. I feel like a big part of the problem with Christian sexuality is that people are so reticent to be honest about the common struggles, as if being spiritual deactivates a man's hormones. It should surprise no one that men are attracted to beautiful women that they aren't married to. He doesn't mince words regarding the struggle - and I appreciate that. He says "in Christian circles, sexual sins are serious ' as they should be. But that legitimate seriousness can also create a fear of misunderstanding or rejection, and that fear often drives men to isolation."

2. He makes men own their own issues. This book (except for one chapter to wives) is written solely for men, so he doesn't address women. Good! I hate it when I see Christians telling women how they should dress. First of all, it's not the woman's problem, but the man's problem that she is being objectified. Secondly, Christian men will sometime find themselves around non-Christian women who have no regard for these "modesty" standards, so it's an issue a man is going to have to get a handle on, with or without the aid of the types of clothes the women at their church wear. Thirdly, the way a woman dresses rarely has anything to do with a man. Women often wear clothes that make them feel confident or attractive. They should be able to do so without men (particularly Christian men) drooling over them, as if the way they dressed intended to attract creepy stares. And lastly, it's a bit insulting to men to assume that we can't control ourselves because an attractive woman wears something that we might not define as "modest"... but I digress. Rant over.

3. It's practical. He is helpful in identifying the pattern of failure, and how to interrupt the cycle. But more importantly, he puts a big emphasis on the importance of close male friendships, differentiating between friendships of affinity and deep personal friendship. These kinds of relationships play an important role in experiencing victory in this area because it is incredibly personal, typically leading to shame and isolation... which sets the table for more failure.

What I didn't like:

1. Too many chapters. Each chapter has discussion questions at the end, indicating an intent for the book to be used in small groups or mentoring relationships. Great! And having nice short chapters aids this intent. But it takes way too long for practical steps to enter the picture. If you're getting together once a week to discuss a chapter, we are talking 3+ months before we start discussing actual practical steps for victory. Not only that, but it felt unnecessary. I started off reading a chapter per day, thinking there would be enough content in each chapter worth being thoughtful/introspective about. After a few days, I started getting impatient. It felt like chapters could be combined, because I started reading 2 and 3 chapters at a time before I felt like I had enough material to chew on.

2. I didn't have a feel for his target audience. Sometimes it feels like he's talking to mature and godly Christian men who feel stuck and don't know how to take ground with regard to sexual sin. Sometimes it feels like he's talking to people who aren't even Christians, or at best are nominal. I get that people from both categories may be reading the book, but it still feels like large sections of the book simply won't resonate with whichever person is reading.

3. I understand he was quoting from Proverbs, but I disliked the idea that sagging breasts are the reason one would need to think about the "wife of your youth" as opposed to your current appropriately aged wife. Sexual attraction isn't objective, so there isn't a meaningful reason that I should have to try to remember back to a time when my wife was more aesthetically pleasing to my eye. If I'm not letting culture dictate what I find "sexy", then why do I have to try to remember a different version of my wife? Why capitulate to a culture that says my wife isn't as sexually appealing as she used to be? Which leads me to...

4. I didn't love his take on "Think about your wife" in general. While he does a good job in other parts of the book talking (at points with explicit content) about a man's role to satisfy his wife (instead of using her to gratify himself), it still felt like at times he was advocating for the objectification your wife. While it is true that my wife is the person that God gave me to satisfy me sexually - she is still a person, not my sexual object. Again, he doesn't explicitly say this, but he advises to "think about your wife" when you're feeling sexually preoccupied, and seems to hold a view that your wife is an acceptable thing to think about while masturbating. I certainly don't have black/white thinking of these ideas, but I don't feel like those activities cultivate a spiritually mature goal of meaningful intimacy with your wife. Instead it feels like he's saying that objectification of women isn't a problem, just objectification of "other" women.

Conclusion:

Definitely worth a read. His thoughts are helpful in identifying where/why we stumble - and gives honest and practical advice on how to take ground and gain victory. He also does a good job of talking about grace and our identity in Christ, as we are all going to stumble.