Free Fall: A Late-in-Life Love Affair Book

This book was recommended to me as erotica for older people, and it is erotic, but the sex is a metaphor.

At least, I assume that's what Rae, the 58-year-old author and protagonist of this memoir, intended. Rae suffered through a horrific childhood. At some point, as an adult, she fell in love and began living with (and taking care of) Eli, who toward the end of their 18-year relationship is bipolar, sick, and has threatened her. There is no one but Rae to help him. Here's how she describes it, on the eve of Eli's return from a psychiatric hospital:

"I'm filled with dread. My worry is that, because Eli is unstable and...I once again have no control over my life. His mood is my reality. His rage is my nightmare. Because his hospital psychiatrist has refused to speak with me since Eli was admitted (since Rae and Eli aren't married), I have no idea about the current status of his treatment and state of mind. What will I be walking into?"

In despair/desperation, Rae begins an affair with Eli's best friend, Jim. Yes, I know. It sounds like a non-sequitor, but bear with me. Jim, 67, is tall, beautiful, confident, bohemian, adventurous, and horny, and Rae hasn't had sex in five years. Jim is realistic; at one point early on he says, "It's occurred to me that you are probably the last girlfriend I'll ever have." Rae says her Catholic upbringing, which has always taught self-restraint, is in the distant past. "The deeper I get into this, the deeper I'm willing to go." She has been serving and sacrificing for Eli, but now Rae sees herself as breaking free, finally doing something for herself, reawakening her 58-year-old body, making discoveries. Cool if it were true.

But it seems to me Rae's (a) distracting herself from horrific problems, and (b) finding another man to run her life, albeit a compelling and pretty one. And Jim will do just about anything, anywhere to satisfy his sexual hunger, to the point where she is frequently embarrassed in public.

In what sounds like rationalizing, Rae explains Jim's sexual aggression as her preference. She says she will never tell him "no" (except for certain agree-upon exclusions like torture.) She says she calls the shots. She wants to find out where he can take her. "I want the best of Jim, all that his sixty-seven years of experience with sex and women and fantasy and longing have brought to him...I wish for him to perform as a high-functioning artist does...I desire spontaneous and creative flow..."

At first I was convinced. It seemed a fresh, new way of thinking: to respect the experience of this vibrant and interesting man, to present herself as a palette upon which he, the artist, will paint - for her pleasure. She makes a pretty good case that finally, she is living, really experiencing life, giving herself one last, best meal at the finest table she'll ever see.

But I have mixed feelings. There are clues here that maybe she'd like to depend on Jim, if only she could. For example, she calls him a couple of times during various awful emergencies with Eli, and then castigates herself - for asking for his help, for bringing her problems into his life.

In any case, the sex is very hot, and this book does illuminate the experience of life in later years. It also, and this is no small thing, exposes how completely f***ed-up this country is in re: caring for poor and mentally ill people.

I rated it four stars because it's compelling and interesting, and also good discussion material for book clubs (and maybe therapy groups.) Worth checking out.