Dr. Ruth Talks about Grandparents Book

This book pretty much totally broke my heart, in a good way.

EYE OF MY HEART is a book of essays written by grandmothers, about being a grandmother. All kinds of grandmothers are represented here, and so many of the essays touched me.

Though the stories are all different, there are a lot of common themes. One is how, as a grandparent, it is very difficult to love someone - your grandchild - so much, and yet have so little control over how much you see that person, or what their life is like. Barbara Graham, the editor of this collection, wrote about her son's family moving away to Paris, and the injustice of it all almost made me cry. Also, two of the essays were published anonymously, and these especially brought issue of lack of control home for me. One is written by a woman whose son's girlfriend refuses to practice birth control and so they have baby after baby while trying to live on welfare yet somehow buy brand new TVs. Another was written by a woman whose granddaughter - to whom her access is restricted by her daughter-in-law's wishes - attempts suicide.

Another repeated thought how much less perfection is expected of oneself as a grandparent as opposed to being a parent. This quote from Beverly Donofrio's essay (despite the God business) sort of rocked my world: "I lay down, too, listening to my grandson's breathing, thinking about God and humility. I was not perfect; it was arrogant and self-centered to think I should be. I thought about how God loves me just the way I am - so maybe I should, too? It's my own self-judgement that gets in the way." I have always been a perfectionist, and I suspect that would make any attempt I made at motherhood far more difficult than it needed to be. I never thought of my perfectionism as arrogance - but it is, really, and how effing freeing it would be to be able to give that up.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that awesomeness that is La-Z-Nana, by Abigail Thomas. I laughed out loud at her response of "Land sakes, yes" when her gynecologist asked her if she'd had more than five sexual partners.

I surprised myself by choosing this book from the HarperCollins list. For one thing, not only am I not a grandmother, but I'm not a mother. I've been trying to get pregnant for a year and recently had a miscarriage, and just simple announcements from acquaintances that THEY'RE PREGNANT make me want to vomit. So I found it strange that I was drawn to this book about babies, but I'm glad that I was. It made me far more aware about my mother's and my mother-in-law's feelings should I ever have a child, and I hope I'll be much more thoughtful than I would have been if I hadn't read this book.

I highly recommend EYE OF MY HEART. I think it would be a great gift for a new grandmother, especially from her son or daughter.