Doting Book

The first novel I read by Henry Green was LOVING.

I instantly had the feeling that I "fell in love with" his writing, and I embarked on a journey to discover all of his nine novels. Now, reading DOTING, his last work, and my eighth Henry Green (wanting to conclude with CONCLUDING made me mix up the chronology of his novels), I realise that the novel LOVING actually initiated my DOTING on Henry Green, while I am now capable of saying, reading DOTING, that I am LOVING his words.

Eh?

Well, trying to make sense of the strange and intricate web of feelings that human beings develop for each other, Henry Green muses on the difference between DOTING and LOVING, and in his last novel DOTING, he is CONCLUDING that there actually is a clear distinction:

"What's he at now?" Mr Middleton asked.
"An anthology of love poetry he's to call 'Doting'. Don't you agree it's a marvellous title?"
"Well, you know doting, to me, is not loving."
"I don't follow", she said with a small frown.
"To my mind love must include adoration of course, but if you just dote on a girl you don't necessarily go so far as to love her. Loving goes deeper."
"Well", she suggested, "perhaps the same words could mean different things to men and women."
"Possibly", he said. "Perhaps not."

And Henry Green adds a layer to the depth of love. LOVING, as opposed to DOTING, hurts. It is exclusive and comes with rights and duties and arrangements beyond passion, adoration and attraction. It is sometimes annoying, boring, and frustrating, but the commitment of LOVING makes people endure the negative aspects and continue together, despite pain. The deeper feeling of absolute belonging is bought at the price of familiarity and ownership, which kills DOTING.

Of all Henry Green's novels, this one hurt most to read. A strange thing to say, considering the fact that other stories describe much more dramatic situations (set during the war, or dealing with death and criminal offences). It is true regardless. This one hurt most. The complete honesty with which he demonstrates the dynamics of a long term marriage is hard to swallow at times. If they are LOVING each other, how can they engage in other affairs, DOTING on the excitement of a new coupling constellation? How can they hurt each other so much?

The answer is in the strange pendulum movement between LOVING and DOTING. The thrill of adoration and sexual attraction wears off in long, stable relationships, and the magic of first encounters cannot be brought back if you sit in front of each other at the dinner table every single day for 18 or 19 years (the couple can't agree on how long they have been together!).

DOTING and LOVING is like having the cake and eating it. Not possible on a regular basis, but desirable. As love hurts, some characters choose not to engage at all, but to keep on the surface of things, DOTING without LOVING. That doesn't work out either, as most people, when DOTING on each other, gravitate towards the need to claim exclusive rights and towards LOVING. A person who chooses merely to participate in the relationship puzzle on the surface risks being left alone in the end, surrounded by LOVING, unhappy couples.

If you just look at that surface of course, without digging deeper, there is not much difference between DOTING and LOVING - to the point that a LOVING dialogue between spouses is almost word for word reproduced between DOTING lovers (one of which is married). On a deeper level, however, there is an ocean between those dialogues.

"You can love almost anyone as long as you don't expect to be happy", is the CONCLUDING wisdom. Somehow, it is still worth it, Henry Green seems to say, as he lets his characters continue their boring, frustrating, yet LOVING relationships after an interval of highly emotional turmoil in the realm of DOTING.

Few people would be honest enough to speak about the problematic feelings involved in LOVING, and many people mistake DOTING for LOVING. Bliss is when those two words coincide, every once in a while! That is when deep understanding of yourself and another person is possible.

From LOVING to DOTING, I have moved from DOTING to LOVING. It is time for CONCLUDING!