You Never Can Tell Book

A superficial examination of the elements of You Never Can Tell (1897) might entice an observer into believing he was about to experience the best G.B.S. has to offer. The Shavian preoccupations are all here: the feminist matriarch Mrs. Clandon and her three unconventional children, including a teenage daughter Dolly who says whatever she pleases; their estranged father, a grumpy capitalist patriarch Mr. Crampton; a smart young man and practicing dentist named Valentine who is in love with Mrs. Clandon beautiful elder daughter Gloria; a solicitor and barrister both to compound and resolve misunderstandings; and the expert waiter, old Walter, always ready to be of service, who dispense both refreshments and advice with equal alacrity, and lives by the wide-awake motto "You Never Can Tell."

Yes, it certainly sounds like an enjoyable Shaw comedy. Yet somehow all the elements don't seem to work together. I suspect this is because the narrative just isn't compelling enough. The conversations entertain, most of the jokes still work, but the play never makes us care about what might happen next.

My advice: skip it, and read Candida or The Devil's Disciple instead.

Since the waiter Walter is the best thing about this play, I will end with one of his brief monologues, in which he describes how his very successful son (a barrister) and he are in reality very much alike: We get on together very well, very well indeed, sir, considering the difference in our stations. (With another of his irresistible transitions.) A small lump of sugar, sir, will take the flatness out of the seltzer without noticeably sweetening the drink, sir. Allow me, sir. (He drops a lump of sugar into the tumbler.) But as I say to him, where's the difference after all? If I must put on a dress coat to show what I am, sir, he must put on a wig and gown to show what he is. If my income is mostly tips, and there's a pretence that I don't get them, why, his income is mostly fees, sir; and I understand there's a pretence that he don't get them! If he likes society, and his profession brings him into contact with all ranks, so does mine, too, sir. If it's a little against a barrister to have a waiter for his father, sir, it's a little against a waiter to have a barrister for a son: many people consider it a great liberty, sir, I assure you, sir. Can I get you anything else, sir?