The Castle of Otranto: A Gothic Story Book

"CLASSICS" can teach us a great deal about things like history, culture, customs and different literary styles. From this book I learned that classics CAN ALSO REALLY, REALLY SUCK!!! Now before continuing, I would like to be clear that when I say this book sucked, I don't mean "it was well written but kinda dry and boring"sucked. No, I mean planets and stars being pulled toward the event horizon of a black hole suckage. In other words, suckage on a grand and towering scale.

Now, in fairness, it should be noted that the book was written in 1764 and is widely considered to be the first ever Gothic novel. This highlights two things. First, that there was at least one really, really crappy book published in the 18th century. Second, as the first gothic novel, it has the additional distinction of being the first gothic novel to really, really suck.

The book centers around Manfred, who is the lord of a Castle Otranto. As the story begins, Manfred's day gets off to a really bad start when his sickly son gets crushed by a massive helmet that falls on him inexplicably from above. You might be wondering where the giant helmet came from and how it happened to fall. Well reading the book won't help.......BECAUSE IT IS NEVER EXPLAINED. It just sort of happens... which just sort of sucks.

So anyway, the son's death leads Manfred to believe that an ancient prophecy is coming to pass which states that his ownership of the castle will cease "should the owner be grown too large to inhabit it." [Begin confused look].... I have no idea what that means.


Well Manfred decides that he can best avoid the prophecy by divorcing his first wife and marrying his dead son's fiancé so that she can give him a proper heir. How does having another son fit in with stopping the prophecy? Can't tell you...don't know....me and and the baby above are still confused. Manfred tells his first wife the plan and she basically accepts being pushed aside for a younger woman without a peep. Basically, Mr. Walpole thought that portraying the first wife as an extreme doormat was just what the story needed. Well done, Horace. Way to write those strong female characters.


After that the rest of the book is mostly "I want to marry her, but she doesn't want to marry me because she wants to marry him, who wants to marry someone else….and Manfred is a real prick." That sums it up except that some more boring shit happens that really sucks and there is some chasing, some hiding, a couple of deaths and some mysterious yet incredibly boring knights from a neighboring kingdom.

In sum, Castle of Otranto.......