Your Astrology Guide 2011 Book

So, true fact: I considered going to Astrology School. Doesn't that sound fun?! Apparently, there is an actual school for this tucked somewhere in the hills of upstate New York. Unfortunately, a rare fit of "common sense" led me to pursue a boring office job - and trust me, I would have been a better astrologer.

Now, a disclaimer: I do take astrology with the proverbial grain of salt. I do. I know it can't all be true, and logistically it doesn't make a lick of sense.

(This: is an excellent article on the subject.)

Yet I still sorta kinda maybe believe it. I'm the girl that responds with a verbose, intellectually stimulating (I mean, to me) conversation when a rando dude saunters up to me at a bar and asks me what my sign is, in a tone of voice that somehow saunters as well. I will leave it up to you to judge how well I fare with the bros.

So, the book. It's a lengthy, wordy, somewhat pretentious treatise on the subject by a couple of folks with obviously suggestive names and a truly annoying photo of themselves on the jacket. I haven't read the whole thing, but enough of it to get the gist (the book will lazily open itself up to the astrological profiles of men I have dated throughout the years, with the Libra and Scorpio chapters showing exceptional wear/tear).

I think Starsky and/or Cox must be a Virgo, because there is an insane amount of organizing: categories, subcategories, and lists abound. The analysis splits each star sign into male and female aspects - the authors argue that when a person's gender corresponds to their sign's as(sign)ed gender (for the sake of example, Taurus is a feminine sign, so let's say a female Taurus) they EMBODY the qualities of that particular sign, while a male Taurus is always REACHING and SEARCHING for these qualities. Which makes sense in my personal experience? (You could also argue that the influence of astrology in the collective consciousness is swaying my viewpoint. CHICKEN/EGG.)

I found the section on archetypes particularly interesting. Some examples were great, and really used existing information and connotation to the author's advantage, just in explaining the damn thing. I never took anything too literally and just assumed it was all sort of a blurry-edged philosophical word-spew (no, I don't think Pisces men are literally Jesus Christ; yes, okay, the use of Artemis makes me understand the fierceness of this sign; etc).

I came away with some new knowledge of the astrological variety after reading this. I now know which signs are into whipping, lite bondage, and kissing (isn't everyone into kissing?). I know what section of the population to seek out if I am yearning for that perfect lesbian bedfellow. (But seriously, it's nice to include the gays for once.) I know which men like sloe-eyed girls (the Googling of this term led to the awkward discovery of a college professor writing about his boner-inducing sloe-eyed student, which led to his abrupt termination; it means "soft, dark, purplish or black eyes; having slanted eyes"). An open letter to professors: don't put it out there on the internet when you want to fuck your students. I now know: who I want to have sex with and whom I should avoid.

And of course, I will arm myself with this information to endlessly analyze people, but it won't matter a damn in my end game. That's the boon of having a rich inner life!

Far less interesting were the incredibly specific profiles of each sign's background and childhood, etc. Starsky/Cox should have stuck to the vague philosophical. I guess you just have to read this for fun.

As for astrology as a science, honest, some things were pretty cool. Particularly the explanations (in the form of little symbols and charts, naturally) of male/female, opposite signs and their attractions/repulsion (stuff I knew about but now understand a lot better), the whole astrological wheel situation, in which reincarnation plays a huge part - for we are apparently rebirthed according to the lessons we have yet to learn, and each signs corresponds to a spiritual age, and you are a Sagittarius because you have to learn the secrets/wisdom of all the signs that follow you! So get to work.

I'm a Leo. According to this book, I can't survive this life without sex, exercise, and ambition. And that's true facts.