What I'd Say to the Martians: And Other Veiled Threats Book

I try not to give five stars to very many books. My ratings-criteria is fairly simple, based on a system first introduced to me by the brilliant Roger Ebert.

What is the book/movie/art piece/piece of cultural detritus trying to do, and how well does it do it?

Assessing a work under this criteria means one cannot give lower and higher scores based on one's personal tastes. One must cast aside personal bias and rate the work simply on what they determine it is trying to do, and well it is going about it. For instance, my mother doesn't like the Batman films because they are "dark." I don't like the Batman films because they are overrated, especially the ones by Christopher Noland. However, BOTH my mother and I, were we to review these films, would have to cast aside our personal tastes and accept the fact that these films ARE dark and that they ARE overrated. Once we do that we can see them for what they are: superhero films based on comic books. And, in the pantheon of all superhero films based on comic books'most of which are absolute garbage'MOST of the batman films, including Noland's and Tim Burton's additions, are actually pretty good. They are TRYING to be overhyped, overrated superhero films, and they ACCOMPLISH that goal pretty well, we both must admit.

Jack Handey tries to write short comedic essays. That has been his sole occupation for years other than a brief stint spent writing (some of the best ever) SNL skits. He is not a standup comic or a performer of any kind. He is not a novelist, short story writer, screenwriter or poet. He is a comedic essayist, and his attempt/accomplishment ratio within this context is pretty much perfect.

It's hard to imagine anyone writing a funnier brief prose piece meant to be read to yourself or aloud than, for instance, Handey's piece, "Everything Evens Out." To read this essay is to witness a technical mastery and a nearly unprecedented precision of language and tone. Witness the following line:

"Eventually, I believe, everything evens out. Long ago, an asteroid hit our planet and killed our dinosaurs. But, in the future, maybe we'll go to another planet and kill their dinosaurs."

Handey fans are familiar with such lines because of his extremely popular Deep Thoughts from SNL and bathroom readers located above toilets and around the globe. But the essays in this collection layer such brilliant lines, combining them with hilarious overarching premises and voiced by a reliable narrator who is a character in his own right'a sort of hyperarticulate slob trying to explain his miserable life choices.

If you know Handey, you know he is one of the funniest writers alive. But because he does comedy, I fear people don't truly appreciate his genius. Please, if you haven't already, read What I'd Say to the Martians. If you're already read it, read it again. Or try this: Read it aloud to someone and see how far you get without cracking up. Handey is a joke-surgeon, and his words cut mercilessly to the bone. No reader can escape his scalpel.