I Smile Back Book

Amy Koppelman's "I Smile Back" is the story about what goes on inside the mind of Laney who lives in Short Hills, New Jersey, with her husband, Bruce, and their two small kids, Eli and Janey. Laney leads a privileged life but doesn't know what she should be doing with it. It's not how she imagined it would be - or actually, it is exactly how she imagined it would be - but she thought she would be happier. These thoughts cause her to reject living in the present and instead to dwell on the past. She wants to recapture the magic and comfort she felt as a child but only during the days before her father abandoned her and left the family for good.

Laney lives her days plagued with feelings of anxiety and is consumed with the notion of death. I was able to relate to many of Laney's thoughts as I've often been an extremely phobic person since childhood. Once my daughter was born, these issues skyrocketed. After years of being consumed with concerns over my own mortality, suddenly I gave birth to someone that I loved more than my own life, and now there was something that had complete control over me. When you feel too much and too deeply, this, in turn, can lead you to feeling nothing. The fear of loss can become so great, you have a self-protective instinct to be the first to sabotage it. This is what I believe drives Laney to act out through casual sexual affairs and drugs.

"I Smile Back's" stream of consciousness narrative plunges the reader directly into Laney's mind, and that's why I loved the book's style. I didn't want to be bogged down with extraneous info involving mundane settings and minor characters. I wanted to be inside of Laney's mind to understand these feelings because when you have this type of anxiety, it drives you all day, every day, and what is going on around you is just in the background. Your fears are first and foremost. "I Smile Back's" unique voice demonstrates this perfectly. It is the only way to tell Laney's story. Amy Koppelman's relaying of Laney's thoughts while interacting with her young daughter complements the book's theme of hopelessness:

"Like tonight I was baking a cake with Janey and she was upset that it wasn't perfect and I wanted to tell her not to worry about it - that it didn't matter because nothing matters. We're all going to die. And when we're dead no one will ever know we ever made this cake."

Another of my favorite quotes from the book confirms how it is Laney's all-consuming love for her children that fuels her feelings of dread and her fears:

"Frankly, at the end, Laney won't be thinking of Bruce, or Eli for that matter, but of Janey's arms. As they are now. Wrapped tightly around her mother's neck. The little girl clings. Laney pretends this doesn't frighten her. She'll be here long enough. To see Janey marry? Have a baby? When would be a safe time for Laney to close her eyes, fade to black?"

Not only is the need to escape constant in Laney's mind but also the need to make amends with her father. She harbors a tremendous amount of anger towards him but also still wants his love. But Laney is not mentally stable throughout the book so these normal desires get translated into a need to surprise her father and to frighten his very young, almost six-year-old, daughter who is Laney's half sister. On her way there, she fantasizes about ruining her father's new family life by telling them how this is what his new daughter can anticipate happening to her as well. But as is often the case, Laney keeps her darkest thoughts to herself and, as the title says, she just smiles. Instead, she secretly steals the wooden father figure from her half sister's dollhouse and puts it in her purse. I thought this was a brilliant image of a grown-up daughter's need to hold onto her father all for herself. It reminded me of that scene in the 1980's TV drama, "Dynasty," when another wealthy and spoiled daughter, Fallon, bites the heads off the bride and groom from her father's and soon-to-be stepmother's wedding cake.

I found "I Smile Back" an impressive read as an example of what the pressures of trying to be mature while dealing with feelings of dread and a tremendous amount of past emotional baggage can do to a hypersensitive and fragile woman. But it is an extreme example which is often needed in art to get the point across when matters like these are buried deep inside most of us because they are unpleasant and unproductive. The feelings Laney has are all valid even though she acts on them in destructive ways. We are not supposed to be able to completely identify with Laney - she is a metaphor. If we're not given such a disturbing, no holds barred, picture, I don't think any of us would ever be able to push these thoughts to the surface and try to deal with them head-on. Growing up is hard. Being responsible is harder. And making the transition from cherished daughter to competent mother is the hardest of all:

"'Deliver me,' Laney slurs to the silent fear that contains her. She is, no longer, special."

I highly recommend "I Smile Back" to readers who aren't afraid to face all those unpleasant feelings that lurk inside us but, when faced, teach us how to appreciate the beauty in our present lives as best we can.