Friendlationships: From Like, to Like Like, to Love in Your Twenties Book

On the back cover of the book I found this statement: "Robbie Castleman believes reclaiming God's plan for sexual relationships is a journey toward holiness. In sprightly, straight-for-the-target prose, she shows how unmarried Christians can wait until marriage without turning into prudes or wallflowers. She helps us see how we can mold and groom our desires, preparing for a lifetime of joyous and responsible sex within marriage." No credit is given for this statement so I assume this was contrived by the editor or publisher to give a quick summation of the content of the book. While I did find the book to be written sprightly, very easy to read, and did give a plethora of real, and not so real, life examples to follow or avoid that could prepare a couple for blissful life together, the analogies she uses in her method of storytelling sometimes were confusing and unnecessary. The fact that this book was written with Christians in mind at times also seems to get lost in the middle of some of her real life examples and her attempt to be practical. While I recognize the necessity to be practical when addressing young Christians regarding this subject matter I still would think more mention should have been made to the individual spiritual lives of the two persons considering spending the rest of their lives together.

Now I don't want you to get the impression that this book is a waste of time because it's not. Castleman brings her life experience in counseling young people to this issue and she does give some very wise and practical advice that I also would recommend to the young person looking for God's gift of a mate. Her stories of real life examples reminds us that we are not alone when we have certain feelings and desires and they give real tangible concepts that young people can apply to their own relationship. The way Castleman presents her stories to highlight the point she is making does make this book a very easy read. I found myself wanting to keep on reading to the next story. I would recommend a young couple take this book and read it Saturday and then discuss it Sunday.

While I would recommend this book I would not suggest this be the only book a couple read. This book would be a good compliment with Dr. Neil Clark Warren's "Finding the Love of Your Life: Ten Principals for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner" and other similar books. The reason for this, as I have already stated, is that Robbie only indirectly references the need of prayer, bible study, and church attendance in the lives of two Christians seeking God's will in their lives together. Since the book was written for Christians perhaps this was assumed. However I don't believe this is something that should be assumed considering the statistics of divorce in our society. I believe the statistic on the divorce rate of a couple that attends church, and prays together, is around five percent compared to fifty percent for the general society. Castleman does mention her acronym KYEOJ (Keep Your Eyes On Jesus) in chapter 3 so I guess it isn't fair that I say she didn't mention that our focus should be on God at all. But KYEOJ is the last printed word in the book and by the time I got there I didn't remember what KYEOJ meant until I thought about it some more! K. Y. E. O. J.'what was that…..oh yea, you get the point.

One of the problems I had with Castleman's book was the analogy between the Grand Canyon and love. I'm still a little puzzled by this even after finishing her book! First I have to mention that Castleman raised my ire in chapter 4 when she first used the Grand Canyon analogy. Here she was trying to compare the "humble" beginnings of the Grand Canyon with the beginning of love. The mention of the Grand Canyon beginnings as a simple river implying millions and millions of years of erosion almost caused me to flick this book out my window. Thankfully I was able to keep my emotions in check and continued reading. However here she began talking about the deepness of the canyon and comparing that, or so I thought, with the deepness and the depths of love we have to look forward to exploring with our spouse. Cool, I like that. But the next thing I know I'm in a different chapter and all of a sudden God is on one side of the canyon, we're on the other, and we have to build a bridge to avoid the dangers of sexual temptation. I must have missed something somewhere, and you probably will too.

Another issue I have with Castleman's book is her concept of speaking the truth in love. Castleman states, "We need to tell each other the truth and trust God to give us all the grace we need no matter how the other person responds." In a sense I agree with her but there are times when we shouldn't tell the truth, in love or not, and just keep our mouths shut. In this section Castleman was relating how she informed her future husband, boyfriend at the time, that she believed she was falling in love with him and that he should be careful with her feelings at this time. Well okay…that is the truth I'll give her that. Talk about a "sure thing" though. What does a guy do with this? Male translation: "I love you and want you and if you break up with me I'm going to have a fit." The conquest is over. But instead of letting the male take the lead in pursuing his own desires and deciding on his own that she is the one he wants for the rest of his life this man is presented with a sure thing. Not many men have the will power to resist a sure thing. Maybe she was the one he wanted even before she said it but if that was me I'm going to think, for the rest of my life, maybe, just maybe, I should of considered someone else, after she pursued me. Women have to let men be the pursuer regardless of their feelings. Trust God? Where's the trust when a women takes the initiative for a deeper commitment? Keep your mouth shut and trust God to allow Him to work in and through your boyfriend. If your boyfriend really does have the same feelings for you then you shouldn't need to vocalize how you feel because he will have already sensed it and acted upon his own feelings in expressing his desires for you. Let men be the conquers.

On page 69 Castleman continues this truth in love theme with Carmen and Earl. "Speaking the truth in love is essential in a married relationship. Why don't we practice this pattern in friendships and dating relationships? It can be done. It needs to be done." To which I reply: "To every thing there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. In a covenant relationship between a man and woman speaking the truth in love as soon as possible is a necessity. However this necessity does not immediately translate to a non-covenant relationship. There is a major difference between being married and being a couple outside of marriage. Speaking the truth in love does not necessarily need to be done and careful consideration should be given before one opens their mouth. This whole speaking the truth in love is summed up in Chapter Six that is titled "Let's Talk." We joke about this in our single's group and we call it the "DTR" talk (Define or Determine The Relationship). There definitely is a point in a relationship when the two persons spending a lot of time together need to define the relationship. However I believe it is better for the woman to use non-verbal communication to allow the man to initiate the conversation, such as withdrawing a little from the relationship, instead of coming right out and expression her feelings. Guard your heart would be my motto for the ladies.

On a separate note I appreciated Castleman's rules for dating:

1. Four feet on the floor (not to be confused with four on the floor).
2. No clothes off.
3. No erotic foundling.
4. No French kissing.

Her analysis of French kissing as an act of penetration is especially insightful and made me pause. Conformation to this rule could have saved me a lot of time, aggravation, and hurt feelings in some of my past relationships. I must admit however than I did find a hearty laugh when Castleman advises "When in doubt, ask!" to men regarding touching a women when we give them a hug. I don't know many men who would ask a woman: "I would like to hug you, you know, comfort you'that's my only intention. Is that okay?" I'm laughing while even just typing that! Give me a break. Sounds like the advice should go to the women in this case: stop overreacting!

Another issue I have with Castleman's book is the sense of the American Feministic influence that sometimes seems to permeate her thought process. There were several instances during my reading that had vague undertones of feminism but it was clearly evident on page 175 when she interprets the husband's headship as not implying "superiority or hierarchical authority as much as it implies being, through Christ, the source of satisfaction in the married relationship." What! If the husband is the source of satisfaction with any marriage look out, for soon there will be no marriage. I agree scripture is not saying the husband is superior to the wife but it definitely is defining a hierarchical relationship. The analogy is as Christ is the head of the Church. Certainly we are to find our source of satisfaction in Christ as head of the church but do we really want to say that Christ as head of the church is not defining a hierarchical relationship? There are no 50/50 marriages. If both partners have an equal vote on a subject who wins? The one who wins is the one who caves in, the one who will let the other have their way…until the breaking point is reached. Every compromise stretches the relationship and as a rubber band soon will break the more you stretch it so will the marriage. One vote has to weigh more than the other and scripture clearly gives the weighted vote to the husband. The husband who truly loves his wife as Christ loved the church will exercise his God given authority in a way that his wife should love to allow him to make the decisions for the family.

With these caveats in mind Castleman's book is worth one weekend of reading if you're a young Christian seeking to find if he/she is the right one. KYEOJ.