Me the People: One Man's Selfless Quest to Rewrite the Constitution of the United States of America Book

Or, An Enumerated Register of the Wisdom Revealed Herein

Foreword: If Not Me, Who? xix

Me the People: An Order to Form a More Perfect Union 3

The New Constitution of the United States of America

The Preamble to the New Constitution: It's Greek to Thee 23

The Legislative Branch: An Imbalance of Power 43

The Executive Branch: We Pledge Allegiance to That Guy Who Wanted to Be President So Damn Badly 97

The Judicial Branch: The Whole System's Out of Order, and Other Perfectly Valid Clichés 131

Article IV The States: What's the Matter with Kansas? Also, What's the Point of Nebraska? 160

Article V The Amendment Process: Honestly, We're Pretty Sure We Screwed This Whole Thing Up 173

Article VI No Religious Test?: Thank God, Because We Totally Didn't Study for This 187

Article VII Ratification: Hang Together or Hang Separately, but Don't Hang Out in Rhode Island 199

The United Mistakes of America: The New Amendments to the New Constitution

The First Amendment: Your Right to Say, "Because There's Something Called the First Amendment in This Country, Buddy!" 215

The Second Amendment: Starring Charlton Heston's "Cold, Dead Hands!" 225

The Third Amendment: Knock Knock! Who's There? A Soldier! A Soldier Who? A Soldier Who Demands to Be Quartered During Peacetime! 238

The Fourth Amendment: Hail, Seizer! 245

The Fifth Amendment: The Amendment Guilty People Use 257

The Sixth Amendment: Establishing Your Right to Be Judged by a Jury Comprised of People Exactly Like You, and Really, Congratulations on That 266

The Seventh Amendment: Yes, There Is One 276

The Eighth Amendment: Cruel, I Get; but What's So Wrong with Unusual? 277

The Ninth Amendment: My Ninth Amendment Is to Ask for a Zillion More Amendments 287

The Tenth Amendment: The Amendment to the Constitution That Does Not Amend the Constitution 292

Footnotes to History

Seventeen More Amendments to Address Three More Problems: Booze, Servants, and Suffrage

Next Round's on Me: The Amendments Involving Alcohol 302

Suffraging Fools Gladly: The Amendments About Voting 304

Judge Us Not by the Color of Our Skin, but by the Con-test of Our Characters: The Amendments Addressing Slavery and Discrimination 308

Postamble: Signed, Sealed, Delivered From Preamble to Me-amble or, One Man's Successful Quest to Save the Constitution, and Why, in the End, No Thanks Are Necessary 311

Acknowledgments: Giving Full Faith and Credit Where Credit Is Due 313

Appendix: The Declaration of Independence from the Constitution of the United States 319