To My Assistant: Things I'll Never Do to You, But Many Other Crazy Bosses Will Book

CONTENTS

AUTHOR’S NOTE
xi PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF
xiii

1
LIFE at the OFFICE EVERY SINGLE DAY:
All the Little Things That Drive You Insane
2
FOOD:
The Only Pleasure Allowed at Work,
and Rarely at That
19
POLITICS AND PARANOIA:
How I Actually Spend Most of My Time
31
SUPPLIES AND EQUIPMENT:
They Will Alternately Save Your Life and Ruin It
42

2
TIME SCHEDULING:
In Which You Tr y to Fit Five Things Where Only One Can Go
56
PATIENCE:
Well, Usually Impatience
72
TIME MANAGEMENT:
I’d Always Rather Be Checking Facebook Than Doing My Job
80
WEEKENDS AND HOLIDAYS:
Yeah, Right
90

3
COMMUNICATION CLARITY:
Technically, We Both Speak
THE TELEPHONE:
Torture Device Number One
122
E-MAIL, INSTANT MESSAGING, AND TEXTING:
They Were Supposed to Make Life Easier, Right?
136
VERBAL COMMUNICATION:
Had You Wanted to Spend This Much Time Pulling Teeth, You’d Have Gone to Dental School
148

4
TRAVEL and TRANSPORTATION TRAVEL:
Normal People Really Do Not Have This Much Trouble with It
158
NAVIGATION:
If I Ever Make It to an Outside Meeting on Time, It’s by Accident
176
TRANSPORTATION:
From Point A to Point B, Painfully
186

5
MAKING things PERSONAL BASIC HUMAN DECENCY:
Not Ruining Your Entire Life,
Just Parts of It
200
MY PERSONAL LIFE:
Welcome to the World of Too Much Information
216
YOUR PERSONAL LIFE:
If You’re Even Allowed to Have One
228
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH:
Together Forever (at Least That’s What It Feels Like)
240

OKAY, YOU CAN GO HOME NOW
253

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS