How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking about It Book

Devoured this book as quickly as possible in my eagerness to find out what the authors had to say about how to fix everything. It was the "without talking" part that got me--of course, I want to talk about everything all the time, but that's really hard. It's also nearly infeasible in the reality of my current relationship. The idea that I could fix the relationship myself without complaining or struggling any more--or even having to bother the other person!--sounds really enticing, if a little too good to be true. The authors make a very good case, though. Everything they say certainly feels true and seems to make sense.

The basic idea here is that women are driven by fear, mainly fear of being abandoned/alone; and men are driven by shame, mainly shame of perceived failure, including failure to protect us and make us happy. The bad news is women's natural anxiety makes men feel like they're failing as protectors, so they feel shame, so they pull away in order to get away from that feeling, so we feel abandoned, so they feel even more like they're failing, etc.--vicious cycle. But, according to the authors, what both men and women really want is to feel connected to our partners. Guys really do care very much and want that very much. They just go about it in a totally different way than we do, or our way drives them away by overstimulating them and/or triggering shame. So, instead of trying to get closer by talking about things, we should focus on feeling close and not try to talk about things until we've accomplished that. Also, whenever we feel afraid or guys feel ashamed, that's a big clue to know that the other person is feeling the other thing, so we all need to be nice to each other. If you focus on having compassion for how the other person is feeling, you can feel better quickly and everything eases almost automatically.

The biggest way to do that is to "step into the puddle"--take the time to empathize with your partner and meet him/her where they are. Don't try to fix or change it, just be with it. To do this for a guy, accept his silence, make a physical gesture of unity, and be ready to do something he's good at.

Also, note that there are three ways to move relative to someone: approach, avoid, or attack. People sense which one of these you're doing, regardless of what words, tone of voice, or other dressings you put on top. To strengthen your relationship, maximize the times when you're approaching and minimize the times you're avoiding or attacking.

Choose to feel close to the other person as much as you can, focus on what you love and appreciate about him/her, hug 6x/day for 6 seconds apiece, and make a commitment to showing your love in a specific way every day.

A few points that make it all click for me:
- We can sense each other's fear/shame even when we don't talk about it. That's why trying to act non-needy doesn't work.
- Guys are very easily startled and overstimulated. They shut down and stonewall because they're flooded and can't handle any more, not because they hate us or something.
- It's normal for women to be afraid of isolation--that's how we're wired biologically, and society reinforces it.
- It's normal for men to be really attached to their routines and feel content as long as their mate is somewhere around. Routines save them from having to think about everything all the time, leaving precious brain resources for getting work done and stuff like that. And they feel most secure in the relationship when the woman is around but not necessarily interacting. They just want to relax and not have to be any particular way.
- According to this book, women provide the meaning for what men do. It's empty without us. I wouldn't be convinced of this, but I remember also reading it in He: Understanding Masculine Psychology
- When men feel something, they have to do something. It's physically uncomfortable for them not to. That's why it's so much easier to talk while walking or driving--it gives him something to do and spares him from looking directly at each other the whole time.


…


It's been a month now since I read this book, and although it didn't help fix my relationship, it did provide me with one gem: the advice to look for any tiny way to make the situation a little bit better (IMPROVE), and then use the energy from feeling a little bit better to make another tiny improvement, which will make you feel a little better yet, and so on. I've been super depressed for months now, and that advice has been really helpful in trying to pull myself out of it.


Highlights:
Women want to talk about the relationship because they're upset and want to feel better. Men don't want to talk because talking won't make them feel better. In fact, it will make them feel worse! So whether she forces him to talk or not, they both end up feeling disappointed and disconnected. This loneliness of disconnection lies at the heart of every argument or cold silence, fueling your disappointment or resentment. It also leads to the distance that can ultimately tear your relationship apart. location 70

The real reason the woman wants to talk about it'beneath the resentment and frustration'is that disconnection makes her feel anxious and, on a deeper level, isolated and afraid. The real reason the man doesn't want to talk about the relationship is that her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. On a deeper level, he feels ashamed. His shame is too great to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame. When they try to alleviate their feelings of vulnerability in opposite ways'by talking and not talking'all they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache. location 76

Believe it or not, research and clinical experience show that the majority of men, including those who ignore or take their partners for granted, want a closer and deeper emotional connection just as much as women do. For the most part, men regard their partners as their best friends, closest confidantes, and the most important people in their lives. And despite stereotypes about roving eyes and midlife crises, most men are satisfied with their partners' appearances. In fact, the majority do not want the women in their lives to change in any significant way. location 88

Marlene's shame can be summed up this way: "If I fail, no one will help, love, or comfort me." But Mark is likely to feel: "If I fail, I won't be able to help, love, or comfort myself and I won't be worthy of your help, love, or comfort." location 278

Despairing men tend to use suicide to escape failure at work, which stimulates the deeper shame of inadequacy as a provider and protector, while desperate women try to escape isolation. A woman might think of suicide if she feels that no one loves her; a man will do it if he feels that he deserves no one's love, because he's a failure. location 316

Men feel happier and more secure at home when their wives are there with them. And the reason they feel this way is that their wives provide the meaning of life. The man's routine works when she's there. location 774

Men don't realize that a woman's fear of isolation and deprivation can be triggered by leaving her out of any number of important aspects of his life. location 1062

Read You Don't Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One. location 1222

Chemistry plus exclusivity equals an affair. If you are spending time alone with someone you are attracted to for the sole purpose of getting to know this person or because it is enjoyable, you are playing with fire. Privacy allows for intimate conversation and activities that otherwise would be limited. One tip-off that you are starting down the slippery slope is a desire not to let your spouse know how much you think about this fascinating individual. location 1292

The chemical bath your brain enjoys during infatuation is a powerful regulator of fear and shame. Under normal circumstances, Nicole's fear and Donald's shame would have inhibited their attraction to each other. But once they allowed their emotions to attune to each other under the cover of privacy, the inhibitory power of their fear and shame vanished. This sharp reduction of the influence of fear and shame is why, when infatuated, you feel so confident and proud while doing things that you might otherwise find fear-invoking or shameful. location 1300

Your commitment to your relationship requires that you not let your partner ignore you. location 1358

The easiest way to keep true to your core values is to invoke what we call the four core value inspirations: IMPROVE APPRECIATE CONNECT PROTECT location 1426

When you are upset, angry, or resentful, try to focus less on what your partner is doing and ask yourself these questions: Am I acting like the person I most want to be? If not, what can I do to act like that person? Answer: Improve (make it a little better), appreciate, connect, or protect. Am I being the partner I want to be? If not, what can I do to be that kind of partner? Answer: Improve (make it a little better), appreciate, connect, or protect. location 1505

The good news is that your own fear or shame is the most reliable signal that your partner is also feeling vulnerable and that he or she is in need of compassion just as much as you are. location 1515

Before you start to deal with the content around the hurt'what specifically is triggering the fear or shame'you must find a nonverbal way to connect and show that you value each other. location 1528

Here's the first step in overcoming resentment. Write down the following statements and read them out loud. (We ask you to write them down because they get into your unconscious more quickly that way, and we ask you to read them aloud because you are more committed to them if you do, particularly if you read them aloud in front of another person.) My emotional well-being is important to me. My emotional well-being is more important than everything I resent. My emotional well-being is more important than anyone else's bad behavior. My relationship is more important than everything I resent and worthy of appreciation, time, energy, effort, and sacrifice. location 1614

The natural compassion that couples have for each other gives way to a defensive resentment as they begin to expect the other to let them down or hurt them in some way. They get trapped in a rigid, monocular vision that makes the beloved seem like an opponent rather than a partner. location 1950

She needs an internal mechanism of raising her self-value when it drops precipitously, such as thinking of the most important things about her as a person, feeling the love she has for the important people in her life, feeling her spiritual connection, imagining something she thinks is beautiful in nature, her favorite art or music, sense of friendship and community, and compassionate things she has done. When she can do that, her negotiations with her husband will be about a behavior request, not her value as a person, and the emotional intensity will vanish. location 1985

Healthy emotional attunement requires you to manage your own fear, dread, insensitivity, and the negative judgments that go with them. If you're a woman, it requires that you tune in to your man's dread of shame. If you do this, something magical will happen. As you focus on his dread of shame rather your own resentment, you will lower your own fear and increase the likelihood of connection. Likewise, men must tune in to their partner's anxiety. Guys, if you focus on her fear rather than your urge to withdraw, you will lower your discomfort and increase the likelihood of connection. location 2224

The bottom line is: Be there with your partner's feelings. Don't ignore them, try to "fix it," or try to talk about it or drag him or her out of it. Many times, stepping into the puddle with the man in your life involves simply noticing his discomfort and honoring his space with silence and support. location 2251

In general the formula for stepping into the puddle with a male is: Make some physical gesture that you're there with him. Be available to do something that he's good at. This replaces his sense of failure with a sense of competence and mastery. location 2281

You have a much better chance of connecting (reducing your anxiety and soothing his shame) by activating his protectiveness, and you have the best chance of doing that by exposing your own shame. Try something like: "Sometimes I really feel like a failure. People don't respect me, and I'm not all I could be as a lover." location 2349

Your partner responds almost exclusively to your motivations and hardly ever to your goals and intentions. When reacting to your avoid or attack mode your partner, children, and people in general are unlikely even to notice your goals and intentions and even less likely to care about them. People respond to the emotional tone of your motivation'what it feels like on the receiving end. Avoid and attack feel devaluing. That's why your attempts to clarify your goals and intentions will always fail, unless you change your motivation to approach, to wanting to understand and appreciate his or her perspective rather than influence, control, or manipulate it. location 2457

The Power Love Formula
- Fix your partner firmly in your heart during four crucial times of the day.
- Hug your partner six times a day for six seconds.
- Hold positive thoughts about your relationship.
- Make a contract to hand out love with compassion and generosity. location 2749

To remind yourself of the emotional lifeline connecting you and your partner, write the following sentence on a piece of paper and carry it with you wherever you go. Make a second copy and give it to your partner. MY LIFELINE TO YOU These are the ways I am deeply connected to you. (Examples: My life has more meaning because of you. We have a rich history together. When I am troubled, you are the one who comforts me.) If you imagine yourself constantly connected by an invisible lifeline, your whole emotional demeanor around your partner will change for the better. location 2822

Even with the best intentions and relationship skills in the world, you will not completely avoid triggering your partner's shame or fear. Fortunately, there is a way to quickly recover and reconnect when this happens and the inevitable disconnection occurs. The added bonus of reconnecting in the manner we suggest is that it greatly reduces the probability that you will do it again. We call the process the three R's: RECOGNITION REMORSE REPAIR location 2836