Your Cat's Just Not That Into You: "What part of Meow don't you understand?" Book

1. YOUR CAT’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU . . . IF SHE PRETENDS YOU DON’T EXIST

The “I Guess Her Mind is on Other Things” Excuse 2
The “When I’m Calling Yoooooooouuuuu” Excuse 4
Straight from the Kitty Litter 5
The “Maybe She Has Attention Deficit Disorder”Excuse 6
Advisory to Wilma 8
Ten Ways to Suck Up to Your Cat 9
The “Maybe She Doesn’t Know How to Show Her Gratitude?”Excuse 10
The “Maybe Our Tan Is Throwing Her Off” Excuse 12
The “She’s Just Daydreaming” Excuse 14
The “Maybe He Needs To Take It Slow” Excuse 16
The “Maybe She’s Just Not Such a Good Listener”Excuse 18
Test Your Cat I.Q. (Basic) 20

2. YOUR CAT’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU . . . IF SHE’S FAKING INTEREST IN YOU

The “But My Cat Thinks I’m Such a Good Catch(er)”Excuse 22
Advisory to Mona in Dallas 23
Red Flag Alert! 24
Advisory to P.T. in Tulsa 25
The “But She Really Is Talented” Excuse 26
Don’t Despair 27
The “But She Doesn’t Realize I’m Constipated” Excuse 28
Cat Adoption Checklist 30
The “Unable to Face Reality” Excuse 31
The “Is It Identity Theft?” Excuse 32
The “But My Plants Need Watering” Excuse 34

3. YOUR CAT’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU . . . IF SHE PHYSICALLY ABUSES YOU

Quiz: Know Thy Kitty 36
The “Maybe She’s Just Trying to Get Under My Skin”Excuse 37
Official Not-That-Into-You Word Jumble 38
For Cats Only:What Owners Want in a Cat 39
The “She Doesn’t Realize It’s for Her Own Good” Excuse 40
Your First Cat 42
The “She Must Prefer the Real Me” Excuse 43
The “My Cat’s Just Not That Into Me” Excuse 44
Advisory to Glenda in Little Rock 45
Red Flag Alert!—The Official Early Warning
Wrong Cat Detection Checklist 46

4. YOUR CAT’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU . . . IF NOTHING YOU DO PLEASES HER

How Predictable is Kitty? The Five Great Behavioral Equations 48
The “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along” Excuse 50
Advisory to Eleanor 51
The “Maybe the Atmosphere Wasn’t Right” Excuse 52
The “Do You Think Being a Parent Changed Her?” Excuse 54
Are You Your Cat’s Punk? 56
The “But Maybe She Needs More Time” Excuse 57
The “Should I Be Unselfish and Change My Life for Her?”Excuse 58
A Cat Lover’s Pledge 60
How Many Cats Per Person? 61
The “Maybe She Needs Her Own Space” Excuse 62
The “Maybe She Didn’t Recognize Me in My New Hawaiian Shirt” Excuse 64
Neediness Alert: Are You in Danger of Your Cat Being Into You? 65
Holidays Approaching? 66
Test Your Cat I.Q. (Advanced) 67

5. YOUR CAT’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU . . . IF HE’S EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE

The “She’d Love Me If She Knew the Real Me” Excuse 70
The “Maybe She Has a Dress Code” Excuse 71
The “Zing Went the Strings of My Heart” Excuse 72
Rejection Advisories to All Cat Owners 73
The “Maybe She Needs Some Time Alone” Excuse 74
Extra-Helpful Affection Advisory! 75
The “Maybe the Lighting Was Bad” Excuse 76
Two Super-Important Cat Tips 78
The “She’s Just Trying to Find Herself” Excuse 78
Quiz: Know Thy Kitty 80

6. YOUR CAT’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU . . . IF SHE TEASES YOU WITH OCCASIONAL MOMENTS OF PSEUDO-INTIMACY

The “You Think It’s Affection, Whereas Your Cat Merely Thinks You’re Delicious” Excuse 82
The “Can’t We Still Be Friends?” Excuse 84
Exactly How Not Into You Is Your Cat? 86
Advisory to Elizabeth 87
The “Should I Take The Hint and Shave My Legs?” Excuse 88
Quiz: Know Thy Kitty 89
Advisory to P.M.S. in Duluth 89
The “Maybe If I Had Designer Sheets?” Excuse 90
The Schnapps-Porsche Well-Adjusted Cat Owner Analysis 92

7. YOUR CAT’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU . . . IF SHE TOYS WITH YOUR SELF-ESTEEM

The “Animal Magnetism vs. Human Magnetism” Excuse 94
The “It’s All My Fault” Excuse 96
Straight from the Kitty Litter 97
Are You Powerless Over Your Cat?—Warning Signs That You’re Ready for the Cat Lovers Anonymous 12-Step Program 98
Quiz: Know Thy Kitty 99
Advisory to Olivia 99
The “I Thought He Was Trying to Shape Up for Bathing Suit Season” Excuse 100
Calorie Chart for Weight-Watching Cats 101
The “These Paws Are Made for Walkin’” Excuse 103
The “I Can’t Tell One Owner from the Other” Excuse 104
Is Your Cat Cheating on You? Pay Attention if 105
The “Maybe My Cat Has a Terrific Sense of Humor” Excuse 106

8. YOUR CAT’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU . . . IF SHE FLAUNTS HER NEW LOVE INTEREST IN FRONT OF YOU

A Peek into Kitty’s Brain 108
The “But Security Was Just Doing Its Job” Excuse 109
Advisory to “Brokenhearted in Sacramento” 110
The “But the Dog Started It” Excuse 111
The “Love, Your Magic Spell Is Everywhere” Excuse 112
Insecure Owner Advisory 113
The “Maybe I Should Do More for Her” Excuse 114
Kitty Statistic 115
Cat Oxymora Test 116

9. YOUR CAT’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU . . . IF SHE SHOWS NO RESPECT FOR YOU OR YOUR POSSESSIONS

The “Such a Considerate Kitty, She Doesn’t Want to Shred the Entire Drape” Excuse 118
The “It’s Just That I Love You So Much” Excuse 120
Reading Kitty’s Tail Positions 121
Advisory to Ronnie 121
The “Maybe She Needs Her Own Space Heater” Excuse 122
Quiz: Know Thy Kitty Terminology 123
The “In Her Previous Life She Must Have Been a Ballerina” Excuse 124
Tough Love Tip 125
Are You a Trophy Owner? 126

10. YOUR CAT’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU . . . IF SHE GOES OUT OF HER WAY TO MAKE YOU FEEL OR LOOK BAD

Straight from the Kitty Litter 128
Official Kitty Horoscope 129
The “But She Makes House Calls” Excuse 130
The Six Things—The One Thing. 131
Advisory to Ramona 132
The “But She’ll Be Traumatized for Life” Excuse 133
Advisory to “From a Great House in Easthampton to a Double-Wide in Arkansas” 134
Straight from the Kitty Litter 134
The “Hey, He’s a Cat; Therefore He’s Allowed to be Temperamental” Excuse 135
Therapy Class 101: Healing After Heartbreak 136
The “Maybe I’m Using the Wrong Finger” Excuse 137
The “Maybe She Hates to See Me Win” Excuse 138
Straight from the Kitty Litter 140
The “But She Seems So Light-Footed” Excuse 141
Quiz: Know Thy Kitty 142