What to Expect the First Year Book

Babies are definitely scary your first time. I mean there's this new little life that's counting on you get things right and if you screw it up they might die! No pressure though, right? Thank God our child came with instructions. Amazon claims that the book was published just like any other book but I swear it must have been hidden somewhere in the placenta. Because shortly after the birth of our baby, it appeared out of nowhere and it never left my wife's side until she finished it. The book was of course What to Expect the First Year and it really helped my wife out a lot. Generously, I allowed her the pleasure of reading through the 800 plus page baby bible. She sifted through it and passed along the important parts.

I remember one day I was going to make my baby girl a snack then my wife says, "You know not to give babies honey, right?", from way off in our living room, in a tone suggesting that it was ridiculous for her even to mention it. She was laying on the couch reading the baby bible and watching our baby doing her tummy time. Our baby girl was just old enough to eat a sandwich. Peanut butter and grape jelly was her favorite food for the week.

Standing in our kitchen pantry, wearing an expression as if I just bit into as lemon, I answered, "Pffftt... of course, who doesn't?", raising my voice to be heard across the distance while jerking my hand away from the bottle of honey I had been reaching for. "Why is that again anyway? I- I forget." Asking nervously but trying to play it off as nonchalant as possible.

"Because of a spore of a bacterium called clostridium botulinum that could kill them…," saying it as if she were stating a rather obvious and well known fact. Of course, now I felt as if I was a complete idiot. "...that is at least until they're about one years old."

"Oh, that's right!", came my reply, followed by a nervous laugh. Now staring at the honey, my face flushed and my nervous smile turned to a look of dread. 'Whoa, honey can kill a baby?' I thought.
My heart almost stopped as it dawned on me, 'I almost killed my child'. I made as if to grab at the honey again, as a compulsive urge suddenly overcame me to take all our honey out and throw it into the street. I stopped short as, in horror, I glanced at a hateful bag of Honey-Nut-Cheerios. I let out a gasp when I saw the Honey Roasted Peanuts on the shelf below. I almost screamed when I turned to see the Honey BBQ sauce flanking me at my left. I was surrounded by baby death!

With my heart racing, I grabbed the wheat bread and fled from the pantry. I shut the pantry door, leaning with my back to it as if the honey and its minions would try to force their way out. I felt as if my pantry should have a deadbolt on it to protect my child from the numerous dangers lurking from within. Catching my breath, I walked over to the fridge and fished out the strawberry jam. We had apparently just run out of her favorite grape jelly. As I regained my composure, I calmly began to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Shaking my head and letting out a sigh, I thought, 'What a terrible world we live in! So inhospitable to babies'.

Within seconds of laying out the bread and opening the jar of strawberry jam, my wife walked into the kitchen. Stopping abruptly in her tracks, she glared down at the sandwich I was preparing. Grabbing the butter knife, I scooped a hefty portion of jam on the knife, making ready for an application to the bread. Then my wife stared at me with an incredulous expression. Holding the knife above the bread, I froze as if she was holding a gun to my head and just pulled back the hammer. Gingerly, as if any sudden movement would make her flinch and fire a round at me, I slowly returned her gaze. As if to escape the dreadful glare of my wife, a portion of the gelatinous strawberry jam slid off the knife, falling on the counter with a plop and missing the bread. 'She knows...' I thought in surprise as my eyes slowly widened. 'Somehow she knows I almost poisoned our child with the vicious honey!' That was moment I envied the retreating jam.

With a guilty conscience and an expression looking as though I'd been caught cheating on her, I asked, "Umm... wha-wha-what's wrong, honey?" cringing at my choice of words.

"What do you think you're doing?" she asked sternly, throwing her hands up in front of her, palms up, to emphasize the word 'doing'.

"Didn't you ask me to make our baby a sandwich? I mean a-a-a snack..?"

At this, she put her hands down and rested them on her hips while gaping at me, wide-eyed, as if she was shocked to be observing the world's dumbest person. Leaning forward slightly, she let out a frustrated sigh and said, "Don't you know you can't give her strawberries? She might develop a rash or maybe even go into anaphylactic shock!" At the word 'shock,' her right hand leapt from her hip and flew out in front of her and, to further stress her point, abruptly jerked her head slightly to the right.

In response, I looked down at the evil strawberry jam covering the knife I held and dropped it on the counter, as if it become electrified by my wife's eyes. I could almost swear that I heard an evil suppressed laugh escape from deep within the jar. The label on the jar suddenly took on an ominous look to me by appearing to sneer at me sardonically. Even more nefarious dietary monsters were lurking in our very own kitchen! It was almost too much to believe! As if honey didn't have enough minions in its army, unbeknownst to me, it had many seasoned generals in its ranks too. I began to feel claustrophobic as if there was an army of devilish food closing in on me from all sides.

"And, by the way...", my wife began again, "that bread HAS HONEY IN IT!"

Epilogue:
True story... well sort of. It didn't happen exactly that way, this is funnier. Real life inspired this. I do actually remember learning about honey and strawberries being problematic when she was only about three months old. I recall the feeling of horror at the discovery that I could have unwittingly killed her on several occasions, and I felt that she was lucky to still be alive. For the sake of accuracy, the bacteria in honey clostridium botulinum is actually quite rare in commercial honey these days and strawberries, while somewhat commonly causes rashes in some infants, is not usually life threatening and anaphylaxis is also rare. This is not all the book has to offer either, it's much more involved and goes way beyond diet. Thanks for reading!