Secrets (Sweet Vallley High Series #2) Book

Disclaimer: I am not a teenager or preteen, but an adult. Supposedly. Everyone keeps telling me I am but I'm not sure I'm buying what they're selling. Therefore my views are based from that perspective rather than someone in the target age range. I inhaled these suckers when I was young, hale, and hearty, so in an apparent moment of weakness have decided to re-visit one of my favorite old series in a fondly-remembered, tongue-in-cheek, and mostly sarcastic approach. So since I couldn't manage to devise a rating system for SVH books, I came up with this little way to have some fun, which is in the review form you will (hopefully) read below. :)

Cover Models: Elizabeth and Jessica
Elizabeth looks utterly scandalized at what Jessica is gleefully saying to someone on the phone.

Page count: A whopping 118 pages

Special Event: A fall dance.

Number of times "a hundred and thirty-seven" was mentioned: Once, on page 87.

Mental Illness of the Week: It's a tie.
Jessica has psychotic episodes, two, three times, I don't know I lost count. Ronnie will eventually control, abuse, and kill his future wife. A very scary dude.

Jessica's Bitchyness scale: ***** (out of five)
I have the feeling this will be permanently stuck at five.

WTFery Meter: *** stars (out of five)

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Quotes & Snarky comments:

"Frankly," Jessica said, "I can't imagine what a cute guy like Ronnie sees in that little creep."

"Liz seems to like her pretty well, too," commented Cara, casting Jessica a sidelong glance.

"Liz!" Jessica snorted in disgust. "Listen, Cara, my sister has absolutely no taste when it comes to picking friends. It's positively embarrassing! I mean, what if some thought it was me hanging out with Enid?"
- page 24Since this book is all about Jessica destroying Enid's reputation, there are plenty more degrading comments concerning Elizabeth's best friend. I didn't even bother to write them all down. Too much work."Elizabeth was left to wonder why, if Jessica was doing her such a big favor, she was the one making all the sacrifices."
- page 75Because you choose to do that, Liz."She'd (Jessica) been acting strangely secretive these past few days, Elizabeth thought, wondering what she was up to. With Jessica, you never knew."
- page 87Wrong, with Jessica, you always know what she's up to: scheming to ruin someone's life and reputation so she can get her own way and end up on top."Enid," Elizabeth admonished, "there is a point at which you can be too forgiving."
- page 108This from the Queen of Doormats.Who could hate her enough to do such an awful thing to her?

Suddenly Jessica remembered about the funny way Elizabeth had been acting earlier that evening. She remembered Elizabeth saying that Winston would make some lucky girl a wonderful king. It had to be! Who else but her own twin would be jealous enough of her to want to stab her in the back? She'd always know Elizabeth was jealous. And why not? Jessica was a thousand times more popular, she told herself.
- page 112/113God, delusional much. Someone's got problems.

Final thoughts:
The books in the Sweet Valley High series may be short, but my brain hurts from the stupidity of it all. I think several of my brain cells surrendered their own lives whilst reading Sweet Valley High: Secrets. Let us pay our respects with a moment of silence.

Previous review: Double Love
Next review: Playing With Fire

Any suggestions on what else I could look for during future torture readings are always welcome.