Siblings without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together so You Can Live Too Book

An easy to read book that is filled with valuable practical advice from workshops. Sometimes it sounds as if the prescriptions are too obvious and easy. However they are hard to implement consistently and correct previous behavioral habits.

Can't talk about the implementation yet but the book is easy too read, illustrated with fun cartoons and is consistently praised by parents.

As an only child who now has a son and a daughter I found it interesting to understand more about siblings relationships and how to try to be a good parent for both.

The book is written to be followed like a parenting workshop.

BROTHERS AND SISTERS NEED TO HAVE THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT EACH OTHER ACKNOWLEDGED
Child: I'm gonna kill him! He took my new skates.
With words that identify the feeling "You sound furious!"
or With wishes "You wish he'd ask before using your things."
or With symbolic or creative activity "How would you feel about making a 'Private Property' sign and hanging it on your closet door?"

CHILDREN NEED TO HAVE THEIR HURTFUL ACTIONS STOPPED
"Hold it! People are not for hurting!"

AND SHOWN HOW TO DISCHARGE ANGRY FEELINGS ACCEPTABLY
"Tell him with words how angry you are. Tell him, 'I don't want my skates used without my permission!'"


RESIST THE URGE TO COMPARE
Instead of comparing one child unfavorably to another, ("Why can't you hang up your clothes like your brother?") speak to the child only about the behavior that displeases you.
Describe what you see "I see a brand new jacket on the floor."
or Describe what you feel "That bothers me."
or Describe what needs to be done "This jacket belongs in the closet."
Instead of comparing one child favorably to another. ("You're so much neater than your brother") speak only about the behavior that pleases you. Describe what you see "I see you hung up your jacket."
or Describe what you feel "I appreciate that. I like seeing our hallway looking neat."


CHILDREN DON'T NEED TO BE TREATED EQUALLY. THEY NEED TO BE TREATED UNIQUELY.
Instead of giving equal amounts "Here, now you have just as many grapes as your sister." Give according to individual need "Do you want a few grapes, or a big bunch?"
Instead of showing equal love "I love you the same as your sister." Show the child he or she is loved uniquely "You are the only 'you' in the whole wide world. No one could ever take your place."
Instead of giving equal time "After I've spent ten minutes with your sister, I'll spend ten minutes with you." Give time according to need "I know I'm spending a lot of time going over your sister's composition. It's important to her. As soon as I'm finished, I want to hear what's important to you."


LET NO ONE LOCK A CHILD INTO A ROLE
Not his parents Instead of: Johnny, did you hide your brother's ball? Why are you always so mean? Parent: Your brother wants his ball back.
Not the child himself Johnny: I know I'm mean. Parent: You're also capable of being kind.
Not his brothers or sisters Sister: Johnny, you're mean! Daddy, he won't lend me his scotch tape. Parent: Try asking him differently. You may be surprised at how generous he can be.
If Johnny Attacks his Brother, Attend to the Brother Without Attacking Johnny Parent: That must hurt. Let me rub it. Johnny needs to learn how to express his feelings with words, not fists!


CHILDREN WITH PROBLEMS DO NOT NEED TO BE VIEWED AS PROBLEM CHILDREN.
They do need: Acceptance of their frustration: "This isn't easy. It can be frustrating."
Appreciation for what they have accomplished, however imperfect: "You got a lot closer that time."
Help in focusing on solutions: "This is tough. What do you do in a case like this?"


HOW TO HANDLE THE FIGHTING

Level I: Normal Bickering.
1. Ignore it. Think about your next vacation.
2. Tell yourself the children are having an important experience in conflict resolution.

Level II: Situation Heating up. Adult Intervention Might Be Helpful
1. Acknowledge their anger. "You two sound mad at each other!"
2. Reflect each child's point of view. "So Sara, you want to keep on holding the puppy, because he's just settled down in your arms. And you Billy, feel you're entitled to a turn too."
3. Describe the problem with respect. "That's a tough one: Two children and only one puppy."
4. Express confidence in the children's ability to find their own solution. "I have confidence that you two can work out a solution that's fair to each of you . . . and fair to the puppy."
5. Leave the room.

Level III: Situation Possibly Dangerous.
1. Inquire: "Is this a play fight or a real fight?" (Play fights are permitted. Real fights are not.)
2. Let the children know: "Play fighting by mutual consent only." (If it's not fun for both, it's got to stop.)
3. Respect your feelings: "You may be playing, but it's too rough for me. You need to find another activity."

Level IV: Situation Definitely Dangerous! Adult Intervention Necessary.
1. Describe what you see. "I see two very angry children who are about to hurt each other."
2. Separate the children. "It's not safe to be together. We must have a cooling-off period. Quick, you to your room, and you to yours!"

WHEN THE CHILDREN CAN'T WORK OUT A PROBLEM BY THEMSELVES
1. Call a meeting of the antagonists. Explain the purpose and the ground rules.
2. Write down each child's feelings and concerns, and read them aloud.
3. Allow time for rebuttal.
4. Invite everyone to come up with solutions. Write down all ideas without evaluating.
5. Decide upon the solutions you all can live with.
6. Follow-up.

A Quick Reminder . . . HOW TO GIVE SUPPORT TO THE CHILD WHO ASKS FOR IT WITHOUT TAKING SIDES
Jimmy: Daddy, I can't finish my map for school. Make her give me the crayons! Amy: No. I have to color my flower.
1. State each child's case. "Let me get this straight. Jimmy, you need the crayons to finish your homework. And Amy, you want to finish coloring."
2. State the value or rule. "Homework assignments get top priority."
3. Leave the doorway open for the possibility of negotiation. "But Jimmy, if you want to work something out with your sister, that's up to you."
4. Leave.