A Civil Tongue Book

Forni defines civility as the art of cultivating respectful relationships with the purpose of being good community members and good neighbors. This is a charming and kindhearted book about why life is better when we are thoughtful and respectful with each other. Forni treats kindness and consideration in relationships as art forms that can be learned, taught, and honed; he digs through the ritual of etiquette to find their philosophic foundations. His "25 Rules" include advice like: pay attention to people, think the best of others, be inclusive, speak kindly, respect others. He is an elegant writer and an intelligent man, so the book is better than the average self help book. I especially like his insistence that it is not only possible but also ideal to be civil AND assertive at the same time; that we need a healthy balance of self expression and kindness in our lives, and that the best response to rudeness or cruelty is a dignified, steady, self-respecting "No, thank you."

So I would recommend this book to anybody, with one caveat: when Forni moves from the abstract to the concrete, his prescription for etiquette becomes the quaint and myopic musings of an old middle class white guy from Italy. He has a blind spot for the fact that his abstract advice (respect the opinions of others, respect cultural diversity, don't speak ill of others) directly clashes with his distress when others have cultural norms different than his own. For example, one of his rules is "Avoid Person Questions." He writes, "The stranger you just met doesn't need to know whether your pregnancy was planned or the amount of your pay raise. This kind of information presumes a close relationship. One way to respect others is by being discreet about our own personal matters." This is very good advice -- if you are talking to uptight white middle class men. But it is not always the cultural norm.

Compare Forni's rules of etiquette with this paragraph from the excellent essay "Across the Great Divide: Crossing Classes and Clashing Cultures" by Barbara Jensen in the anthology "What's Class Got to Do With It? American Society in the Twenty-First Century" (ed. Michael Zweig).

"Working class women often talk with each other about intimate problems, even if they do not know each other well -- this behavior includes the other person, makes her feel "like one of us." In the middle class, being polite and reserved is a way to show respect for others and one's self (on which there is a premium), and sharing confidences with someone you hardly know might be considered rude or at least declasse. In turn, this emotional reserve often seems a coldness to working class people -- a way of letting someone know you don't want them around or simply being rude. There are different meanings for the same behaviors."

This is certainly my experience, so what I try to do is to pay attention to the social and cultural cues of the person I am with and adapt my communication style to them, so that we can more easily establish rapport. Yesterday, for example, I met an older African American woman, who shared her personal story with me and then immediately apologized for having done so -- I said that no apology was necessary, and responded by sharing some of my own personal experiences that I thought might resonate with her. This exchanged pleased her; I had met HER standards of what civility means, which is to build relationships and community on shared story telling, and in doing so signaled to her that I was not going to expect her to adapt to my cultural standards, but instead respect hers.

I think that what is key in building a cross-class, multicultural community, is to have open and respectful dialogue about what it means to be civil, kind, and respectful. When we take our own standards for granted, they are invisible and inarticulate, and then it is very hard to maintain true civility. If we are thoughtful about always staying grounded in the foundations of civility, then we can let go of old forms that don't work and create new forms that celebrate and nurture diversity.