Leaving Home: The Art of Separating From Your Difficult Family Book

The writing is actually often awkward, poorly, or not even, edited. For example, it's at least fifth grade grammar to know when to use "a" vs. "an"; sometimes the punctuation is wrong, and sentence structure poor. Yeah, not great from a writerly aspect, but great, great, great in terms of explaining and showing how emotionally and/or physically abused children are damaged by their damaged parents. I think this is an excellent work for students of psychology and for therapists to read. And, certainly, great for adults who want to heal from damages caused by damaged parents. That is, if it sinks in; if you aren't so damaged that you cannot digest, absorb, and understand what Celani explains. This is certainly a possibility. It's called "denial". Boy, denial is a powerful defense. It sustains damage(s). Anyway, it's only chance and bad, or good, luck that we have the parents we have. So, if your parents suck, no need for "Why me?" or "What did I do?" or "What am I doing wrong?" These feelings developed when you were very young, a developing, helpless child (I guess from the moment you are born and slowly develop consciousness of being). Guilt and need go deep, very deep, way down to our unconscious level. Understanding this is the key to knowing how damaged parents continue to control you and undermine your personal and psychological growth. Some parents are worse than others; some adult children have the courage to see their parents for what they are, some don't. That's really what it takes, courage. Some parents are so damaged, it's better to have no contact at all. Other times, the adult child will be fine if she/he has limited contact. It's very difficult, horrible, to be constantly criticized (bitched at), cruelly demeaned, ridiculed, blamed, or raged at, let alone physically abused. But don't take it personal, because, really, it isn't. Your parent(s) is/are damaged and it's that damage talking and acting out. Some people are so horrible to be around, even when they are very old, feeble and helpless, that no one can stand them, not adult children nor paid caretakers. That's sad for the damaged person, really sad. Except, they are incapable of understanding this. These people don't feel because they are so damaged. They are shells on automatic pilot. It's you who hurts, not them. All they need and want is to control, so why allow them to control you with guilt? As for anyone who wants to heal, all the self-help books, workshops, latest craze in self-healing is useless if one remains isolated. Self-help groups (on-going) and/or individual therapy offer(s) support, with the goal to strengthen you so you can seek out and replace displaced loyalty and attachment to failed parents. You have to form attachment(s) to healthier people. A damaged person has to integrate the separate selves which develop when raised by seriously dysfunctional and damaged parents: the wounded self and the hopeful self. The wounded self rages and wants revenge; the hopeful self is blind to the dysfunctions and remains loyal and attached. Joining special interest groups is advised, making connections outside your own self, connecting with the outside world. Maybe you like hiking, or photography, or gardening, or music, or discussing literature, biking, bowling, whatever. The healthier you are, the healthier choices you will make, and the more connected to the world you will feel (and be). I guess even introverts sometimes need to be around other people. (I'm introvert, myself.) I found this book empowering.