White Dog Book

- Manny, excuse me for dropping in on you like this, but I've got an offer you really need to listen to.

- Not interested.

- Don't you even want to know what it is first?

- No.

- You're sure?

- I'm sure. Who are you anyway?

- Ah, just call me Meph.

- Meph?

- Meph. It's short for--

- Meph. So what do you want?

- Well, your immortal soul. Basically.

- And what will I get in return?

- Anything you like. You name it.

- Anything?

- You heard what I said. Money, women, whatever.

- Not buying.

- Okay, not money or women. What do you want then?

- I know this might sound crazy--

- Manny, I've heard everything. You can't surprise me. Shoot.

- I - I want to make a difference. I want to create a better world.

- Well, why didn't you say so at once? That's pretty common. How would you like to do it?

- Ah--

- I notice you spend a lot of time hanging out on Goodreads telling people what they ought to think. That's working out?

- I have a few thousand followers.

- I can give you a million more.

- Not enough.

- Ten million.

- Still not enough. Goodreads just isn't serious.

- Twitter?

- Not Twitter either.

- Okay, how would you like to do it?

- I'd, ah, I'd like to be a successful author.

- Successful author. No problem. You'll be on the New York Times bestseller list before you know it.

- But I want the critics to like my books too!

- Critical success. Mm-hm. You could win the Man Booker perhaps?

- Too downmarket.

- The Nobel?

- Irrevocably tarnished.

- The Goncourt? That's still kind of classy.

- Okay, I'll take the Goncourt...

- Done.

- ... twice.

- But the rules say you can only win it once.

- You told me anything I wanted.

- Yeah, yeah. No problem. We'll work something out. So, are we finished?

- No way! We're just getting started. Look, I've changed my mind about the money and women. I mean, it's not so much that I want them for themselves, but people take you more seriously when you're rich and--

- It's okay. You don't need to explain. So, you'll be rich. Easy. How about the women?

- I'd like to be married to an A-list movie star.

- Any particular kind?

- Well, smart of course. And, ah, it's not that I'm ageist or lookist or anything, but I'd like her to be about twenty-five years younger than me. It's just that I want people to--

- I keep telling you, you really don't need to explain.

- Uh, yes. Of course. So, er, someone like Reese Witherspoon. If she's available.

- Mm-hm. Reese Witherspoon, check availability. Fine. Is that it?

- Ah, well, yes... no, wait! It won't work. It's already too late. The world is too fucked up. I'd really need to have done this fifty years ago.

- No problem. Fifty years ago. So, shall we say 1968?

- What? That's possible?

- Time travel is one of our specialities.

- I need contacts too.

- Any particular kind of contacts?

- I want a broad range. Top-level politicians of course. Intellectuals, show-business, goes without saying. But also underground organisers.

- How about guys in the Black Power movement? Just a suggestion.

- I like it! If only that had come out better, everything could have been different.

- I'm glad we're finding common ground here. We take pride in giving our clients exactly what they want, no more, no less.

- Look, this is just a random thought, but if I'm going back to 1968 I'd like to stop Bobby Kennedy from being assassinated.

- And how would you do that?

- All I need to do is give him a clear warning. He'd listen.

- Mm-hm, warning to Bobby Kennedy. Check.

- This is all on the level, right? Some people--

- Manny, don't believe them. I always tell the truth. As Dustin Hoffman says in Hook, it's much more fun. Now, let me see: best-selling author, Prix Goncourt twice, money, married to smart, sexy young movie star, time travel to 1968, contacts with high-level politicians, intellectuals, Hollywood and Black Power organisers, warning to Bobby Kennedy. Anything else?

- Heck, if it's 1968, why not give me a distinguished war record too?

- Battle of Britain fighter pilot?

- Perfect!

- Done?

- Done.

- Great. Now just sign here. I recommend using a pin rather than a knife.

- Uh--

- Look, are we agreed or not? If there's anything else you want, just name it.

- Uh, we're agreed. Okay. Right, there you are.

- In triplicate, if you don't mind.

- Okay, okay. Two... three... finished.

- It's been a pleasure. So, in a moment I'm going to snap my fingers, and when you wake up it'll be 1968 and you'll be Romain Gary.

- Who?

- Bwa-ha-ha-ha. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...