The Breach Book

I read this book because David Goyer is adapting it to film. Reading this book reminded me of The Onion's accusations that Fast & Furious was written by a 5-year-old child, because that's the only logical explanation for the illogical sequences and stupendously trite tropes in that film, just as it is the only logical explanation for what happens in this book.

It has a main character who is a nobody with a troubled past, thrust into a huge government cover-up when he finds the President's wife, dead (WOW!!!!!). The character later receives a chapter-ending-cliffhanger private call from the President himself (WOW!!!!!!!!!!). The chapter literally ends with, "[who was on the phone?] Richard Garner. The President of the United States." This is how a chapter ends in a real book for adults.

Then there is a mysterious rip in space-time that is described as looking exactly as a rip in space-time has looked since the SciFi channel got a CGI department, all the way through those seen in Valve's Portal 2.

There are some mysterious devices whose purposes are so generic and uninteresting, and whose applications can be seen miles away (this gun heals! IT ISNT KNOWN TO REVIVE THE DYING - Will they use it on someone who is dying??? This thing duplicates matter! WE WILL NEVER USE IT ON A HUMAN BEING - Will they use it on a human being?????), that they really ought not have bothered.

There is a setpiece in the beginning of the third act that is so monumentally insane, that the zero repercussions that follow it are more disconcerting than the terrifying violence it invokes seemingly for the sake of thrilling the readers.

The characters seem to lack any deductive capabilities, finally coming to conclusions after dozens (and, in some cases, tens of thousands) of people die; conclusions that the reader reached as soon as the subject was broached, making the reader feel smarter than the all-knowing Whisper device the characters so desperately seek. One character retrieves a healing device while hemorrhaging blood from an escape attempt, only to hold the device and wonder what he'll do about the trail of blood he's about to leave. He then leaves a profuse blood trail and heals himself later.

I am glad I wrote this review. It was the best part of reading this book. Watch the movie. Maybe they'll cast Markie Mark in it and everyone is pissed at first but then they see it anyway and who cares. It can't be worse than this.