All about Love: New Visions Book

Well, so, OK. Here's the thing. This book changed/is changing my life. It came to me at just the right second (by which I mean, I took it from the house where I was house-sitting at just the right second), and I have taken it straight to heart. hooks is in the business of life-changing, really, whether she's teaching us how to love in the face of a planet of lovelessness, or teaching us to find, confront, and exorcise the racism and sexism by which we invariably live. What got to me in "All About Love" was honesty. Telling the truth in order to pave the way for unadorned, loving interaction. WOO CHILD there was a lesson I haven't been ready to hear until right now, but shoot am I hearing it now.
To give two brief criticisms, because it wasn't actually perfect, and that's important: it's pretty god-heavy. If that's not your thing, take note. bell loves god. Also, it's pretty gender-essentialist. I agree, for example, that men are shamed out of revealing their needs and wants for love more than women are, but there is nary a mention of genderqueer identities. What happens if you are neither from Mars NOR Venus??

Here are my notes from this extraordinary book:

-it is much easier in our world to discuss the loss of love than the presence or, particularly, the search for love.

- love is comprised of, but not equal to: commitment, affection, recognition, respect, trust, communication.

-cathexis: the process of investment in a person wherein the other becomes important to us. often confused for love; as in "I can't leave her. We've been through too much together."

-love: the will to extend oneself to nurture our or another's spiritual growth.

-Love and abuse CANNOT COEXIST. we cling to notions of love that make abuse acceptable, in order to avoid acknowledging either that we must leave, or that we have been abused and DIDN'T leave, or that, horror of horrors, we have never yet received real love.

-dissimilation: taking on whatever appearance is needed to manipulate a situation. one of the barriers to truth-telling in love.

-prescribed patriatrchal masculinity requires active denial of the yearning for love. this is because patriarchy is the worst.

-secrecy vs privacy: power, dishonesty struggle vs. emotional space, autonomy

-a loving ethic could look like this: working for individuals you admire and respect; giving all to our relationships; seeing our lives and fates as tied to everyone else's on the planet

-live with love. make money, because you'll need it. but give all to love.

-there is no love specifically meant for romance. love is an ethic, a state of readiness and openness and willingness to struggle. commitment and behavior change to reflect specific situations, but love is the same all around.

-females are given more socially accepted space to search for and talk about love, but are not necessarily any better equipped than males to BE loving.

-love is an act of will, not a strong feeling. why else would you promise to love someone forever? you can't promise feeling. you can promise a readiness to work, to build love further every day.

-true love IS unconditional. this is not an excuse to fuck up.

-you cannot change someone, but you can both agree to be changed by the expeience of being together.

-instead of "falling in love," think of the mysterious 'spark' feeling as a sign blinking: "love could be here, if you're willing to take some risks and get your hands dirty..."