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Acknowledgments | XV | |
Introduction | xvii | |
1 | Children Are from Heaven | 1 |
Every Child Has His or Her Own Unique Problems | 2 | |
The Five Messages of Positive Parenting | 6 | |
A Vision of Possibilities | 18 | |
2 | What Makes the Five Messages Work | 21 |
The Pressure of Parenting | 22 | |
Reinventing Parenting | 23 | |
A Short History of Parenting | 25 | |
Violence in, Violence out | 27 | |
Why Children Become Unruly and Disruptive | 31 | |
A Global Shift in Consciousness | 34 | |
3 | New Skills to Create Cooperation | 38 |
Ask, but Don't Order or Demand | 38 | |
Use "Would You" And Not "Could You" | 39 | |
Give up Rhetorical Questions | 43 | |
Be Direct | 45 | |
Give up Explanations | 46 | |
Give up Giving Lectures | 48 | |
Don't Use Feelings to Manipulate | 49 | |
The Magic Word to Create Cooperation | 51 | |
A Short Review and Practice | 52 | |
What to Do When Children Resist | 54 | |
4 | New Skills to Minimize Resistance | 55 |
Four Skills to Minimize Resistance | 56 | |
The Four Temperaments | 57 | |
Sensitive Children Need Listening and Understanding | 58 | |
Active Children Need Preparation and Structure | 61 | |
Responsive Children Need Distraction and Direction | 66 | |
The Gift of Singing | 68 | |
Making Chores Fun | 69 | |
The Gift of Reading | 71 | |
Using Distraction to Redirect | 72 | |
Receptive Children Need Ritual and Rhythm | 75 | |
Loving Rituals | 78 | |
Practical Rituals | 81 | |
Giving Our Children What They Need | 82 | |
5 | New Skills for Improving Communication | 83 |
Why Children Resist | 84 | |
Taking Time to Listen | 86 | |
The Two Conditions | 88 | |
Hard-Love Parenting | 90 | |
Soft-Love Parenting | 94 | |
Learning to Delay Gratification | 98 | |
Meeting Your Children's Needs | 100 | |
6 | New Skills for Increasing Motivation | 102 |
A Short Update on Punishment | 103 | |
Why and When Punishment Worked | 104 | |
The Positive Side of Punishment | 106 | |
The Simple Proof | 108 | |
The Alternative to Punishment Is Reward | 110 | |
The Two Reasons a Child Misbehaves | 112 | |
Why Giving Rewards Works | 112 | |
Negative Acknowledgments | 114 | |
Catching Your Child Being Good or Doing the Right Thing | 117 | |
The Magic of Rewards | 119 | |
Why Children Resist Our Direction | 120 | |
Understanding Rewards | 122 | |
Rewards According to Temperaments | 125 | |
Sample Rewards | 126 | |
Always Have Something up Your Sleeve | 127 | |
A List of Rewards | 129 | |
Recurring Patterns | 131 | |
Rewarding Teenagers | 132 | |
Dealing with a Demanding Child in Public | 133 | |
Rewards Are Like Dessert | 134 | |
Learning from Natural Consequences | 135 | |
The Fear of Rewards | 138 | |
7 | New Skills for Asserting Leadership | 140 |
Learning How to Command | 141 | |
Don't Use Emotions to Command | 142 | |
It's Okay to Make Mistakes | 143 | |
When Emotions Are not Helpful | 144 | |
Yelling Doesn't Work | 145 | |
Make Your Commands Positive | 146 | |
Command but Don't Explain | 149 | |
Commanding Teenagers | 151 | |
Reasons and Resistance | 153 | |
A Better Way of Commanding | 155 | |
Increasing Cooperation | 156 | |
Choosing Your Battles | 157 | |
8 | New Skills for Maintaining Control | 159 |
The Need for Time Out | 160 | |
How Negative Feelings Get Released | 163 | |
The Ideal Time Out | 164 | |
Explaining Time Outs | 165 | |
Four Common Mistakes | 167 | |
Too Much Time Out | 167 | |
Not Enough Time Out | 168 | |
Expecting Your Child to Sit Quietly | 170 | |
Using Time Out as Punishment | 171 | |
Hugging Dad | 172 | |
Adjusting Your Will Versus Caving In | 173 | |
When to Give Time Out | 174 | |
Three Strikes and You Are Out | 175 | |
When Time Out Doesn't Work | 176 | |
What Makes the Five Skills Work | 177 | |
9 | It's Okay to Be Different | 180 |
Gender Differences | 182 | |
Different Needs for Trust and Caring | 183 | |
Continuing to Trust and Care | 185 | |
Boys Are from Mars, Girls Are from Venus | 188 | |
Mr. Fix-It | 190 | |
Mrs. Home Improvement | 192 | |
When Advice Is Good | 194 | |
Boys Forget and Girls Remember | 195 | |
Different Generations | 197 | |
The Culture of Violence | 198 | |
Different Temperaments | 200 | |
How Temperaments Transform | 201 | |
Afternoon Activities | 203 | |
Different Body Types | 204 | |
Different Intelligence | 206 | |
Academic Intelligence | 207 | |
Emotional Intelligence | 207 | |
Physical Intelligence | 208 | |
Creative Intelligence | 208 | |
Artistic Intelligence | 209 | |
Common Sense Intelligence | 210 | |
Intuitive Intelligence | 210 | |
Gifted Intelligence | 211 | |
Different Speeds of Learning | 213 | |
Good Here but Not Good There | 214 | |
Comparing Children | 215 | |
10 | It's Okay to Make Mistakes | 217 |
From Innocence to Responsibility | 218 | |
Whose Fault Is it Anyway? | 223 | |
Learning Responsibility | 224 | |
Hardwired to Self-Correct | 226 | |
Your Child's Learning Curve | 226 | |
Understanding Repetition | 228 | |
Learning from Mistakes | 229 | |
Learning to Make Amends | 231 | |
Don't Punish, Make Adjustments | 234 | |
How to React When Children Make a Mistake | 236 | |
Doing Your Best Is Good Enough | 242 | |
When it Is Not Okay to Make Mistakes | 246 | |
Hiding Mistakes and Not Telling the Truth | 247 | |
Children of Divorced Parents | 249 | |
Not Setting High Standards or Taking Risks | 250 | |
Justifying Mistakes or Blaming Others | 252 | |
Teens at Risk | 254 | |
Low Self-Esteem and Self-Punishment | 256 | |
Making it Okay to Make Mistakes | 259 | |
11 | It's Okay to Express Negative Emotions | 261 |
The Importance of Managing Feelings | 262 | |
Learning to Manage Feelings | 264 | |
Coping with Loss | 266 | |
Why Expressing Emotion Helps | 267 | |
The Power of Empathy | 269 | |
The Five Second Pause | 271 | |
When Children Resist Empathy | 274 | |
When Parents Express Negative Emotions | 275 | |
The Mistake of Sharing Feelings | 278 | |
Asking Children How They Feel | 280 | |
What You Suppress, Your Children Will Express | 281 | |
The Black Sheep of the Family | 284 | |
Making Negative Emotions Okay | 285 | |
12 | It's Okay to Want More | 286 |
The Fears About Desire | 287 | |
The Virtues of Gratitude | 289 | |
Permission to Negotiate | 291 | |
Learning to Say No | 292 | |
Ten Ways to Say No | 294 | |
Asking for More | 295 | |
Modeling How to Ask | 296 | |
The Power of Asking | 297 | |
Giving Too Much | 299 | |
Children Will Always Want More | 300 | |
Children of Divorced Parents | 301 | |
The Longing of the Human Spirit | 303 | |
13 | It's Okay to Say No, but Mom and Dad Are the Bosses | 304 |
How Parents Affect Their Children | 306 | |
Coping with Negative Emotions | 307 | |
The Development of Cognitive Abilities | 309 | |
Children's Need for Reassurance | 310 | |
Children Have a Different Memory | 312 | |
Coping with Increased Will | 312 | |
Balancing Freedom and Control | 314 | |
Two Problems of Losing Control | 316 | |
The Nine-Year Stages of Maturity | 317 | |
The Development of Responsibility | 319 | |
Understanding the Generation Line | 320 | |
Divorce and the Generation Line | 323 | |
Controlling Your Preteens and Teens | 324 | |
Using the Internet to Improve Communication | 326 | |
Getting Support from Other Parents | 328 | |
14 | Putting the Five Messages into Practice | 330 |
Mothers and Daughters | 331 | |
Fathers and Daughters | 331 | |
Mothers and Sons | 332 | |
Fathers and Sons | 333 | |
Teens Secretly Appreciate Limits | 334 | |
What to Do When Your Child Takes Drugs | 337 | |
Dealing with Disrespectful Language | 338 | |
Permission to Speak Freely | 340 | |
Making Decisions | 342 | |
The Cycles of Seven | 343 | |
Why Teens Rebel | 345 | |
Improving Communication with Teens | 346 | |
Respect Your Teen's Opinions | 348 | |
Sending Your Teen Away | 351 | |
Instead of "Don't" Use "I Want" | 352 | |
Asking Your Children What They Think | 353 | |
The Challenge of Parenting | 355 | |
The Gifts of Greatness | 356 |
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