Relationship Pain Book

Reading this book was such a strange experience. The author's basic premise - "Be good and you'll be happy; be happy and you'll be good" - seems like a generally sound idea. And in some of the particulars, I agree with her - don't be a self-absorbed twit, don't be nasty or a bully, go see some good art, listen to good music, go to church, help an abandoned child.

But other pieces of advice left me scratching my head: If you sleep with your best friend's boyfriend, don't beat yourself up about it. If you and your husband are struggling to conceive, try having a clandestine one night stand with a random, healthy, virile, young man, preferably one who looks a little like your husband. This is preferable to exposing your husband to the humiliation of fertility treatment. (????) Or it's fine to have a casual affair if you're husband's health problems are leaving you dissatisfied in that arena.

The author recognizes that one cause of women's unhappiness is the unfaithfulness of their husbands/boyfriends. So her cavalier advice about justifiable adultery for women under certain circumstances seems like a really bizarre and disturbing double standard.

Her overall message seems to be this: our behavior and emotions are influenced by a complicated mix of evolution, genes, hormones, environment, conflicting desires, guilt, society, our upbringing, our conscience, etc. And there's rarely one clear path that leads to unsullied happiness. Turn down the chocolate, and we resent foregoing the pleasure. Eat the chocolate, and we feel guilt over our expanding waistline. We have to accept that there are trade-offs to every choice, and just learn to live with that.

Although I was horrified by a lot of her advice, I will admit that I kind of enjoyed her writing style, especially when she wove her brief little character sketches and stories throughout the book. I understand she's mostly a novelist. I might pick up one of her works of fiction someday, and see if I like it any better. Maybe I'd give this book a 1 and a 1/2, if that were an option.