Aquinas' Summa Book

This book, and the experience of reading it, is one for which the star system of Goodreads is ill-suited; these four stars designate that I found the book of limited and great value.

Aelred defines spiritual friendship (only one of many possible good Christian relationships, though the best) as a friendship that unites reason and affection. A spiritual friend is at once someone who is objectively very good for us and someone toward whom our heart greatly warms. Other kinds of relationships do not feature those two characteristics in deep and equal proportion. Aelred says that, as long as the spiritual friendship disobeys no laws (those limits set down by reason), there is no limit to its possible affection, and consequently to its payoff in this world and the next, whereby the intimacy with a person here foreshadows and leads to intimacy with God. The intimacy is something like union into one soul; it is eternal.

As a monk writing to and about monks, his model of friendship depends on sameness, not difference. You look for a spiritual friend who shares as many of your best qualities as possible, you know how to love your friend because you are discerning enough to love that which is best about yourself, and you two gradually become more like one person (even acting alike). The emotional fervour he describes is often relegated by our culture into eroticism, but he never takes that path, nor ever apparently considers it. He does pick up the “one person” (though not “one flesh”) stuff from the Bible, as if friendship is kind of like heart marriage, but one gets the impression that erotic expression of the affective part of this friendship would be beside the point, would slow it down on its headlong rush toward spirit.

I find Aelred’s concept of spiritual friendship inspiring and plausible. I do get the feeling that spiritual friendship comes naturally to Aelred. He’s very good at definition and description because he’s experienced what he’s talking about and wants us to know that it is A Thing. And so it is. But because it comes so naturally to him, he’s a bit less effective in discussing the practical intricacies of what just comes to him on instinct. He talks a lot about picking and developing the right friend, and about what to do if your friend flakes off, but not as much about handling your own failures and limitations, because it doesn’t seem like the sort-of-sainted “Bernard of the North” had many of those to struggle with. Someone needs to write a sequel about how to pop the hood on a spiritual friendship and tune up the mechanism. “Spiritual Friendship: Best Practices,” something like that.