America, But Better: The Canada Party Manifesto Book

Outline:
Table of Contents Foreword from the English Empire Introduction
1. America and Canada: Continental BFFs
• MAP: How America Sees Canada
• MAP: How Canada Sees America
• Marrying Our Governments (After Verifying They Are Different Genders, of Course)
• Canadian Fashion: Our "Wear What You Kill" Policy
• Obesity: Big Thoughts on Big People
• The U.S. Constitution, Annotated
• Thoughts on Relieving America's Sexual Tension
• The Lucas Plan: Fixing America with CGI
• Combining Our Cities: Welcome to Van Francisco, Dirty Hippie Capitol of the World!
• Understanding Hockey, from the Country That Gave You Football and Basketball (True Story)
• Star Track: We Gave You Shatner, You Gave Us Bacula. Do the Math.

2. It's a Small World (Unless You're, Like, an Amoeba or Something)
• American Exceptionalism, or How to Make Other Countries Feel Bad About Their Bodies
• Killing with Kindness, Torturing with Tenderness
• Weaponizing Politeness: Fight Like a Canadian!
• The United Nations and Other Global Oxymorons
• Showing Nature Who's Boss
• Repelling Immigrants from Your Southern Border (We Have Experience)
• How to Dodge the Draft Without Bringing Your Neighbors Into It
• A Simple Solution for Integrating Our Indigenous Peoples (Just Kidding -We Have No Idea)
• Un-American Idol: How Reality Shows Can Stop Illegal Immigration

3. The Irony of Being Ironic in a Post-Ironic Age
• Making English the Official Language for Native English Speakers
• DisneyCorps: Why We Should Turn FOX News over to Michael Bay
• Living in Fear: Lessons from Godly Folk
• Gun Control: How to Aim Properly
• Cults of Personality, or Cults of the Lack Thereof
• Rewriting U.S. Law (Citizens United: What Else Can Be People?)
• The Internet: Why Are We Trying to Regulate Porn?
• The Metric System: Exactly Ten Times More Awesome than Imperial Units
• How to Say You're Sorry Without Looking Like a Total Pussy

4. Treating Experts Like Mammals: An Ideological Throwdown!
• Science vs Religion (Spoiler: Science Wins in Overtime!)
• Grampa Lost His Shins in the Big One: Our Statute of Limitations on Living Off Other Peoples' Sacrifices.
• Consuming Our Future: Some Tasty, Post-Apocalypse Recipes
• It's Not Easy Being Greenpeace
• What To Do With "The Gays"
• Health Care: A 10-Part Dental Plan for Hockey Players
• Weed. Sweet, Sweet Weed.
• Crime and Punishment, and Then Crime Again
• Combining Our Icons (Introducing the Eagle Beaver!)
• Notes on the American Dream, from the Country You Kick in Your Sleep

5. Appendices
• Tear-out application forms for elected officials
• Mad-libs (How different media outlets get their news)

6. Sidebars
• Campaign promises sprinkled throughout the book
• Timeline of U.S. Canadian history
• U.S.-Canada comparison chart
• Quizzes at the end of each chapter