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Foreword Abraham Lincoln xi
What I Would Be Thinking If I Were Billy Joel Driving to a Holiday Party Where I Knew There Was Going to Be a Piano 1
One Day, I'm Going to Open a Scented Candle Shoppe 5
Maximus Beer 9
Why I've Decided to Go Blonde 13
A Series of Letters to a Squirrel 17
Join Our Club! 23
Hey, David Sedaris-Why Don't You Just Go Ahead and Suck It? 27
Erotic Fiction: The Elevator 31
A College Application Essay to Harvard That Might Have Been Written by a High School Senior Who Has Absolutely No Chance of Getting Accepted 33
Taco Party 37
Vampires-Good for the Economy? 41
Grasshopper 45
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Meeting People More Famous Than You 47
My Custom Van 51
A Meditation on Salami 57
Now We Will Join Forces, You and I 61
Mordeena 65
Using the Socratic Method to Determine What It Would Take for Me to Voluntarily Eat Dog Shit for the Rest of My Life 69
Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow 75
Announcing the Imminent Arrival of the Handlebar Mustache Certain People Said I'd Never Be Able to Grow 79
Erotic Fiction: The Beach 83
When I Finally Get Around to Building My Robot, This Is What It Will Be Like 87
A Description of Myself for a Dating Service If I Were a Chicken 93
A Series of Letters to the First Girl I Ever Fingered 97
How I Might Address My Players at Halftime If I Were a Self-Loathing High School Football Coach in a Game Where We Were Losing 49-3 103
How I Might Address My Players at Halftime If I Were a Self-Loathing High School Football Coach in a Game Where We Were Winning 49-3 107
Testing the Infinite Monkey Probability Theorem 111
Job Orientation 121
This Is How I Party 125
A Suicide Note 129
Stan the Oracle 133
Lewis Black Hates Candy Corn: A Rebuttal 137
I No Longer Love You, Magic Unicorn 143
Some DJ Names I've Been Considering 147
I Have an Indomitable Spirit 151
Incident at the Torpedo 153
Good Skiing Form 159
An Open Letter to the Hairstylist Who Somehow Convinced Me to Get a Perm When I Was in Sixth Grade 163
Instructions for the Cleaning Lady 167
How to Approach the Sensitive Question: Anal? 169
Do Not Buy Tundra from a Door-to-Door Salesman 173
Don't Tell me to Calm Down!!! 177
Erotic Fiction: The Mad Scientist 183
A Series of Letters to Celine Dion's Husband, Rene Angelil 187
Icky 195
A Few Words About My Jug Band 203
Chapter 19 of My Science Fiction Epic, The Pirates of Dagganon 6, Which I Am Only Able to Write Because of a Generous Grant from the Makers of Barq's Root Beer 209
My Top 50 New Year's Resolutions 215
In Conclusion: A First Draft of the Acceptance Speech I Plan to Give Upon Receiving Some Kind of Important Literary Prize for Writing This Book 221
Acknowledgments 225
| Price | Condition | Delivery | Seller | Action |
| $99.99 | Digital |
| WonderClub |
Frank Greces
reviewed My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays that Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face on July 03, 2012
My Custom Van
Michael Ian Black is a guy I know mostly from Sierra Mist commercials and his little quips on VH1's "I Love Pretty Much Everything" shows.
So why on earth did I buy his book? Remainder catalogue, baby.
Overall, this is a pretty good collection of comic essays. In fact, it's sharper and funnier than some I've read by more established (and wealthier) comedians. Just reading the table of contents was enough to provoke a smile. You probably don't even need to read the actual essays. The titles and a good imagination are enough to set you dreaming...
What Would I Be Thinking If I Were Billy Joel Driving to a Holiday Party Where I Knew There Was Going to Be a Piano
Using the Socratic Method to Determine What It Would Take for Me to Voluntarily Eat Dog Shit for the Rest of My Life
Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow
Yeah. That's one you don't hear everyday.
And if you do decide to read more than the titles, here's a little taste of what you can expect...
From I No Longer Love You, Magic Unicorn
Then there is the small matter of the rent. When we moved out of my parents' house, we agreed that you would pay a small portion of the rent. Obviously you are a unicorn and so you cannot be expected to hold down a job. On the other hand, you are magic, and so getting money should not be a problem for you. I can't help but notice that whenever the rent is due, you plead poverty, and yet you always seem to have enough money for new ribbons for your horn and bows for your tail.
From When I Finally Get Around to Building My Robot, This Is What It Will Be Like
I would like to emphasize that my robot is going to be a "man." Gender is important here because everybody knows that female robots are sex robots. While I have nothing against sex robots per se, I am not going to build one, because if I were going to have sex with something I built, that would be a little like incest, and for the most part, I am against incest. If I do decide to obtain a sex robot one day, I will wait to purchase it until they are both widely available and the stigma of owning one has worn off. Then I will purchase two.
From Instructions for the Cleaning Lady
Now I know there is a tremendous amount of pet dander everywhere. I apologize for that. You would think a fellow who doesn't own any pets wouldn't have this problem. All I can say is, sorry. Just vacuum up the cat hair and dispose of it. Please save all the dog hair.
Black has a certain whininess that should get on my nerves but somehow doesn't. In fact he kind of makes me want to whine right along with him. I'm pretty sure he was picked on in school. And he should probably have a hug.
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Add My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays that Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face, Get ready for the read of your life. Never before has a single book combined awesome vans, unicorns, Billy Joel, and erotic fiction in such a potent combination. A writing tour de force? Perhaps. A reading experience that will sear itself into your consci, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays that Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face to the inventory that you are selling on WonderClubX
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Add My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays that Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face, Get ready for the read of your life. Never before has a single book combined awesome vans, unicorns, Billy Joel, and erotic fiction in such a potent combination. A writing tour de force? Perhaps. A reading experience that will sear itself into your consci, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays that Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face to your collection on WonderClub |