Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism Book

	Introduction	13
	A Wacky Path for Politics	18
	Wrong! It Wasn't Humphrey	22
	Why Not Poke a Hole in a Candidate's Eyeball?	26
	Now It's Time to Say Thanks for the Chads That Don't Count	30
	Party Time, Texas-Style	34
	It's Party Time, As Philly Gets Phunky	39
	Party Politics	43
	"Rolling Roll Call" Makes Bad Idea Last Even Longer	47
	Encounter with Falwell Gets Surprisingly Intimate	51
	George W. Survives His GOP Convention Speech	55
	Real People, Real Issues, Full Nudity	59
	There's Glitz, Glamour, the Clintons--but Where's Al?	63
	Campaign Trail, Freeways, Finally Lead to a Vast Parking Lot	67
	Joe Goes Hollywood As Al Plans to Be "Riveting"	71
	Now It's Safe to Do Some Unconventional Thinking	75
	Call Security	80
	Frozen Lips, Barefoot Skaters--and Who Let All Those Dogs Out?	84
	For a Weird Cult, They're Pretty Friendly	88
	Competitive Ski Jumping Is a Weighty Issue	91
	Gosh! Heck! Utahans Angry About Skating	94
	Don't Trust Any Judge with Two First Names	98
	Buses and Mucus	101
	In a Battle of Wits with Kitchen Appliances, I'm Toast	106
	Camping at Wal-Mart Parking Lot Is Survival of Fittest	111
	War on Smoking Always Has Room for Another Lawyer	116
	Fill Out the Census and Win Your Own Bureaucracy	120
	Choice Between Death and Taxes Gets Easier and Easier	125
	Don't Forget to Consider Feng Shui--and Other Deck Tips	130
	Was It "Hi-ho" or "Hi-yo," or Did the Lone Ranger Have a Lisp?	134
	Who Was That Masked Social Security Recipient?	139
	He Didn't Just Buy a House--He Bought a Home Repair Industry	144
	How to Drive a Man Wild with Desire? Even a Stiff Breeze Works	148
	Your Child Deserves a Halloween Costume by Calvin Klein	153
	100 Years of Solitude, Waiting for Customer Service	158
	Don't Fear to Tread	163
	Terror on Flight 611--There's a Baby on Board, Ready to Shriek	168
	Humvee Satisfies a Man's Lust for Winches	172
	Dead or Alive, Turkeys Can Fowl Up Your Life	177
	By the Way, Those Turkey Snakes Have Giant Fangs, Too	182
	A GPS Helps a Guy Always Know Where His Couch Is	187
	Road to Romantic Ruin Paved with Chain Saws	192
	Nice Words About the IRS on the Way to Leavenworth	196
	Daddy's Little Girl a Republican Barbie	200
	Onward, Upward Go the Sherpa and Schlepper	204
	Considerate Guests Use the Gas Station Bathroom	208
	Ban Cellphones--Unless You're Attacked by a Giant Squid	213
	Quality! Craftsmanship! Service Contract!	218
	At 17 (Months), Her Music Tastes Match Dad's	222
	He's Got a Broom and He's Not Afraid to Use It	227
	There's No Denying Nature's Wake-up Call	231
	Grab Your Pajamas, It's World Series Time	235
	Burger King Puts Workers' Feet to the Fire--Literally	240
	A Truly Terrifying Act	244
	Owner's Manual Step No. 1	249
	Cap 'n' Gown? I'll Take the Burger 'n' Fries	254
	Fitting Into That Bikini Is Easy As (Eating) Pie	259
	Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing	263
	Get the (Birthday) Party Started	268
	It's Oscar Time--Prepare the Blow Darts	273
	Supersize Your Fries with This Column?	278
	North Dakota Wants Its Place in the Sun	283
	There's a Hoover Dam ... and Now, the Dave Sewage Lifter	288
	N.D.'s New Barry Building Takes Your Breath Away	293
	Steve's Schnapps Kept the Frost Off Dave's Bobber	298
	Send in Your Weasel Jokes (Unless You're Canadian)	303
	Penelope Cruz Is NOT Having Dave's Baby	308
	Learning to Love the Computer, Warts and All	312
	It's All About Cloning, Not Clowning	316
	Book-Tour Blues	320
	Just for Being Americans	326
	Hallowed Ground	330
	Conclusion	347